I haven’t for as long as I can remember
I’ve tried so many things
Games
Women
Drugs
Sports
Clubs
I never get addicted to anything no matter how hard I try
I even went an entire year drinking sniffing coke and shagging women everyday and it did nothing
I dropped it all after a year and it was like it never happened I didn’t miss it
No withdrawal
Nothing
Everything I do even if I’m good at it the feeling of nothingness just consumes me
I tried dating for a while but I’d always break up with them after a year
Never feeling anything afterwards like they never existed
But I’ve never dropped that mask that mask of care, charisma, passion, emotion
But tbh it doesn’t really matter people can still tell that there’s something different about me
My entire life everyone around me have always been afraid of me it gets tiring
I don’t know what to do with my life everything just feels the same how am I supposed to pick a direction to go towards
What would even be the point
Sometimes I feel like just dropping the mask for good
But every time those thoughts crawl in I just think about the missed opportunities that come from a lack of charisma and appearances people seem to care so much about
Nowadays I’ve given up now I just exist
In between jobs rn its not bin easy but tbh I’m not surprised I’ve never tried in school and I’ve not really got anything significant on my cv
I sold drugs at one point for quite a few years got really good at it too but I stopped dunno why just stopped
Stopped friends
Girls
Drugs
I barely talk to family
All I really do now is mercilessly dissect my mental state, personality and everything that’s happened in my life
I’ve slowly started feeling different since I’ve started doing that
Like instead of blind emptiness it’s now clear emptiness
Sometimes I want to be able to say the same things others say like I wish I was a sweet innocent kid again but when I was a kid I’d hook up with people and we would carve our names into each others bodies and fuck
I feel stupid for sharing on here but I think that’s a good thing idk but tbh sharing how you truly feel has never been a good thing not in my experience but fuck it