A personal experience of healing without going NC
Hi all. I wanted to share my experience in case it can help or inspire somebody. I understand every limerent is unique and this may not be of any help to most of you, but I still think it's valuable information. I'm in my 40s, male, happily married with no kids. I experienced limerence for the first time in my 20s and it was quite traumatic but back then she went studying abroad and disappeared from my life which made healing really easy. Around 18 months ago I started developing feelings for a very good friend. She's absolutely gorgeous, super fun to be around and emotionally unavailable.
I soon started feeling a very deep obsession and displaying classic limerence symptoms: intrusive thoughts, jealous of everybody around her, constant rumination and conversations with her in my head. As soon as I noticed this, I opened up about my feelings, mainly because I was not sure what she felt about me and I really needed to find out. The idea of an affair never crossed my mind and in any case she was very clear right away that she didn't want anything, but we continued being very good friends (best friends I would dare to say). I would see her 2,3,4 times a week almost every week. We would often hang out on our own and I feel this would send mixed signals that fueled the limerence. I would text her every single day of the week, which is something I don't do with anyone and tbh something I would not appreciate of any of my other friends. She seemed ok with it, although her communication pattern was very inconsistent, sometimes leaving messages in unread for long hours.
This went on for 18 months and it was an absolute nightmare. My productivity at work plummeted. I would constantly go for smoking breaks to continue the thread of imaginary dialogue with her. My relationship with my wife worsened as it was very obvious to her that I was absent. It's not that I didn't love her it's that my body was next to her but my mind was often elsewhere. I was constantly reaching out to my LO, trying to get her attention, finding validation on the fact that she was eager to see me and hang out with me in exclusivity. I am completely sure she did it out of legitimate friendship and not trying to manipulate me or to take advantage of me. Every second I spent with her I felt such an intense joy that it's hard to describe to people that never experienced it. I was completely addicted.
She never had a stable relationship but would sometimes (very seldom) make out with someone in a party. Whenever I would witness this I would be emotionally devastated for several days but I'd be very good at pretending I was fine. Sometimes she would even tell me about someone she likes or someone she had a hook up with but I could sense she was hesitant of over-sharing with me. Maybe to avoid hurting me.
I was reading everywhere that I should go NC. I could not bring myself to do that. I really love her as a friend and my urge to see her all the time made me bring her into my other group of friends, which happen to love her as well and she is now a very important member of the pack. I was also considering therapy but it was hard to do so without telling my wife what was going on, and I really didn't want my SO to feel hurt or betrayed even though I never cheated.
One day my LO told me that she was seeing someone (a guy I've met but barely know) as in a more serious lasting relationship. When she told me this I panicked... this never happened before and I was expecting my mind to descend into absolute grief. What happened next was completely unexpected. Her opening about her new relationship triggered something in my head that made my obsession stop immediately. It took me several days to process what was happening, and I couldn't believe that it suddenly stopped. I'm still in awe of this as I was truly desperate and not finding any way out. It seems obvious now that when she communicated this so directly and unambiguously it killed the uncertainty and broke the spell.
Now... not only I feel extremely happy to be free of the mental slavery, but I am still close friends with her and very grateful that I can continue enjoying her company. I also think that managing to let go of such a powerful addiction has changed me somehow. I feel I've gained confidence to deal with my emotions and cravings. I've spent so long self reflecting and trying to understand why I was feeling in such a way, that once liberated I feel that all that mind muscle I developed during those 18 months helps me navigate other issues in my life that require emotional intelligence.
I know that some people may have to resort to NC but my advice would be... If you really appreciate the connection with your LO try to work on your self worth first before killing the relationship. In my personal experience, in order to heal without NC, the two main things to work on are:
- Eliminate ALL ambiguity or uncertainty from your relationship with the LO. I don't mean only uncertainty about reciprocation, avoid uncertainty about ANYTHING related to your LO. This could be as subtle as a text message left in unread. This would make me go into a long rumination about why she's not answering, what is she doing?, with whom?, etc.... which would make things really bad. Of course I don't mean you should be a stalker or trying to find out everything your LO is doing, but if you trust each other, ask your LO to please be as open as possible with you. I think it's better to know if they're with someone for SURE, even if painful, rather than having doubts about it and letting your imagination fill the information gaps.
- This is the most important. Work on your own self esteem. This is easier said than done but I truly believe it's the key. Find hobbies (I started drawing), hit the gym, travel, maybe focus on your professional career, keep yourself busy. Whatever it takes to empower you and to make you feel that you're fucking awesome on your own, without depending on the acceptance and validation of a third party. It takes time and I think the process is kind of seamless so it may look like nothing is changing. You won't wake up one morning and suddenly acknowledge your worth... it's slow and inconspicuous, but it will eventually bring results.
Wrapping thoughts: Every crisis is an opportunity for growth and experiencing limerence is also one. NC might be the only option for some, but pushing through and working on yourself, if successful, will make you a better human being once you're out of the woods. I still think of her sometimes but not anymore in an obsessive way. We're still very good friends and even though I don't really like her boyfriend (I have rational reasons for this) it doesn't hurt anymore.