u/Inner-Instruction584

I’m struggling a lot with emotional regulation in relationships and would really appreciate some advice or shared experiences.

I tend to rely very heavily on one person at a time for emotional stability, and when that connection feels threatened, I become extremely anxious and unstable. When I feel like someone is pulling away, I find it very hard to cope and can end up seeking reassurance in ways that aren’t healthy.

For context, I’m currently in a relationship with someone who is very calm, kind, and non-judgmental, but not very emotionally expressive. I’ve been feeling quite emotionally unmet, and we’ve had arguments about me asking for more effort and reassurance. At one point, he even considered breaking up, which really destabilised me.

Around the same time, someone online started showing me a lot of attention. Even though I could see red flags and knew it wasn’t a good situation, the level of care and validation made it really hard to detach. I didn’t form an actual relationship with him, but I did become emotionally attached and started relying on that attention to regulate how I felt.

My partner became aware of this and was understandably upset. He explicitly asked me to cut off contact and set that as a boundary. I agreed, but I didn’t fully follow through. I asked that we make changes in the relationship so my emotional needs are met but I wasn't convinced. He's done this a lot in past and I feel like he doesn't wanna do it anymore. I knew things wouldn't change in that regard. Even after that, I’ve struggled to completely let go of the connection. I’m not really engaging directly, but I still find myself checking for signs of him and sometimes posting things that feel like indirect communication when I feel like he’s pulling away.

Because of this, I feel a lot of guilt and shame, especially as I see it as a form of emotional cheating. I also feel scared that my partner is going to break up with me because of this, especially since I’ve already broken his trust before and he has clearly set boundaries that I didn’t fully follow.

I don’t want to hurt him or lose the relationship, but in the moment, the need for emotional stability feels stronger than my ability to maintain boundaries.

I also find it difficult to rely on multiple sources of support. Friendships often feel less engaging or less immediately regulating compared to intense one-on-one connections, so I end up putting all my emotional needs onto one person, which then creates a lot of pressure and instability.

I feel like a terrible person and I don’t know what to do.

There have been a few times in the past where I’ve hurt my partner. For example, when we were on a break, I almost let a guy buy me a drink, and there were times I messaged people I shouldn’t have when I was upset with him.

My partner is naturally very calm and laid-back, and I’m the opposite. Recently we’ve had a lot of arguments because I’ve been asking him to put more effort into the relationship. He used to be my main source of emotional stability, and when things felt off between us, I became very unstable. At one point, he even considered breaking up with me because of the arguments. That completely terrified me—I broke down, and after that I decided to suppress my needs just to keep the relationship going.

Over the holidays, a guy from TikTok started following me and showed a lot of interest. Looking back, I think he lovebombed me. He has a lot of red flags and seems quite dramatic, but he also came across as very caring. He even said he wanted a girlfriend with BPD because he wanted to “help.” After my partner said he might break up with me, I fell apart emotionally and realised how much I rely on someone else to stay stable. I didn’t want to feel that way again, so I think I started leaning on this new person emotionally.

The online guy was very persistent—he made songs about me and constantly showed attention and affection. At first, it was one-sided. He would read into my reposts and assume I was communicating with him, even when I wasn’t replying. But over time, because I felt so emotionally deprived in my relationship, I got attached. I only ever messaged him to tell him to stop being so intense or to say I was in a relationship, and I blocked him multiple times. Sometimes he even scared me. But at the same time, I felt drawn to him because he made me feel seen.

Eventually, I started checking his account more and more, and he became my main emotional focus. I began reposting ambiguous things when I felt like he was pulling away. Then he told me he couldn’t just be friends because he liked me. That’s where I messed up—I told him it would be hard to see him go. I admitted this to my boyfriend because I felt guilty, and he was really upset and didn’t speak to me for days.

I knew the online guy wasn’t good for me, but he made me feel stable. When my boyfriend pulled away after I told him, it pushed me even more toward the online guy. I started reposting things again—indirectly keeping that connection going.

When I saw my boyfriend again in person, he told me to block the guy and not contact him again. He set a clear boundary—and I broke it. The online guy made another account (he’s made several), and I didn’t block that one. He messaged me, and I responded once, just saying “I’m scared” when he asked about a surgery. I should have blocked him immediately. Instead, I’ve kept the connection going indirectly by reposting things when I feel like he’s pulling away. I’m not properly engaging, but I’m also not letting it end.

I feel stuck. I know I can’t be with the online guy—he has clear red flags, and I think he would hurt me. But I also don’t feel like I can rely on my boyfriend for emotional support, because when I express my needs, it seems to push him away. Our relationship was already fragile before this started.

My boyfriend is a genuinely good person—kind, accepting, and not manipulative. I feel lucky to have him. But I’ve hurt him, and I’ve broken his trust. At the same time, I feel like I can’t cope without emotional support from someone, and being alone feels unbearable.

I don’t know what to do. I feel intense guilt being around my boyfriend, knowing what I’ve done. I want to stop this and have the strength to cut off the online guy completely, but I’m struggling.

I’m scared that if I tell my boyfriend everything, he’ll break up with me—and I don’t know how I would handle that. But I also don’t want to keep hurting him.

I just feel lost and overwhelmed and don’t know how to fix this. Help.

Update: I told my bf and he wasn't really bothered 😭