I’m currently doing a PhD while raising four children, and I’m completely overwhelmed. I feel burned out, isolated, and constantly stretched beyond capacity.
The PhD itself isn’t the main issue, it’s everything else around it. I carry the full mental and physical load of the household: appointments, school logistics, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, bathing, organising everything. It feels like there’s no margin left.
My husband’s contribution is limited to driving the kids to school and sometimes collecting them. Beyond that, the responsibility falls entirely on me. At the same time, he regularly tells me I’m not giving him enough attention, which honestly just adds to the stress.
What’s making this harder is that he still maintains multiple hobbies and regular time out, he plays football weekly and goes out several times a day to smoke shisha, while I don’t have space for anything comparable. At the same time, he tells me I’m not giving him enough attention, which adds another layer of pressure.
I’m running on empty and starting to feel resentful, which I don’t want — but I also don’t know how to sustain this.
For other mothers who have done (or are doing) a PhD:
What did your partner actually do that made a meaningful difference?
How did you divide responsibilities in a realistic way?
Did you have to explicitly renegotiate expectations, and if so, how?
I’m not looking for vague advice, I really need practical examples of what support looked like in real life.
Thanks in advance.