Hi, I'm a 17yo F, graduating in 2 month (sorry for my bad english)
I think people picture me as someone really confident, with lots of friends, always positive, outgoing, and in some way atypical.
But since last year, I feel like I can't seem to be myself around people anymore. I just feel so empty, as if I don't even have a conciousness, my own personality, all of my past experiences. All of my identity is just gone.
It used to be so easy, since middle school I have always been so confident with everyone.
Now I can be myself around either really close friends that I can't see that much, either complete strangers.
With big groups, where I don't know anyone, I can speak fast and loud, get to know everyone, create bonds, have fun, make people laugh... I feel like myself, like I don't need to fake anything, I feel funny and always have something to say.
but whenever I'm surrounded with people from my school, I just seem to turn quiet, I just can't make jokes, I have trouble finding where to stand, who to talk to... I'm always scared of not being interesting enough. Not being smart enough.
As I have good grades and a solid academic level, once in a while people try to start debates with me, questioning an opinion that I may have, but I have trouble confronting my ideas to others. Even though I used to love every kind of interactions.
I feel like everything just became a performance.
Whenever I am alone, my brain won't stop justifing the fact that I am awkward around people because deep within I don't have the intellectual capabilities or moral qualities to fit in a group. That whenever I am meeting new faces the illusion that they may like me is working because they don't see yet how empty I am.
With the people that have known me since the begining of high school, it is just impossible to be myself, as I would just be exposed and embarassed.
Because I am to weird, or too worried about stressefull events. But I know for a fact that everyone have their own problems, and it does not restrict them from having a solid group, solid frienships of people matching with each other.
Any advice on how I can go back to my natural state, my real personality ?