I've been in seven relationships and have neither had nor wanted sex yet. I'm starting to question myself.
I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt safe enough in a relationship to want to have sex. I am poor. I definitely know from experience that many people will leave me eventually to find someone else to settle down with. Apart from that, I don't understand. Some of my relationships have lasted years but I never felt close enough to someone to want to have sex. I'm almost 30 now and I'm starting to wonder why I'm like this. I mean I've dated plenty of women at this point, so I've had plenty of opportunities with women to have loving sexual relationships, but I rejected all of those opportunities. Maybe part of it is due to fears of being abandoned some day, fears of impermanence/being left, but I never even felt any desire to have sex with them.
It's not like I was suppressing anything, the desire and want for sex just wasn't there. In some cases the women explicitly confessed they weren't sure if they were interested in me long-term or were considering other options, in other cases there were hints dropped, and in other cases I was just able to tell things didn't have a good chance of working out.
I feel like I might have a high libido and I would be very interested in sex under the right circumstances. But I can say I've never, ever had or desired sex (or any type of sexual touch) with anyone in my entire life before. I've told partners before that I want to have sex with them but it was just to make them feel good. Never ended up letting it happen. I simply felt really uncomfortable at every opportunity I had because of the natures of the relationships.
I know I am not asexual because I remember feeling brief moments of sexual attraction, but tbh I usually even struggled to let myself feel that, even if the woman I was dating was pretty. I didn't feel comfortable with it, the thought of sex made me anxious. I think I do want to have loving sex some day but who knows when I will ever let that happen, it'd have to be someone who was ride or die with me. My youth is over. I feel so lonely. But on the other hand, I know that it's not lack of sex that bothers me, what really bothers me is that I've never found a relationship that I felt true faith and confidence in. Usually because the other person does not reassure me and make me feel emotionally secure enough. For the few who did, the relationship's future was impossible for practical reasons. I don't think things will change until I get a good job.
(and yes, obviously, refusing to have sex is probably part of why many of my exes left me)