u/Inside-Drawer20

I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 3 years, and we’ve lived together for 2.5. We met through our mutual friend “Jake,” who is basically like an older brother to me and my boyfriend’s best friend.
When we started dating, neither of us was in love yet. He had never had a girlfriend or sexual experience, while I’d dated before. Because I knew he’d probably be curious about sex with other women, I initially told him I’d be okay with one one-night stand. About a year into the relationship, I changed my mind and told him I wasn’t comfortable with him sleeping with other women anymore. He agreed and said he wasn’t the type to sleep around. I later found out he’d still been secretly texting other women, which I didn’t discover until this June.
Last year, he quit his job and went months without income. I became the sole provider and didn’t resent him because he’d previously helped me when I desperately needed to make a school payment. Eventually, he found another job.
In December, something traumatic happened to me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, especially my boyfriend, because I was afraid he’d blame me rather than comfort me. While he was away for a few months, I became close with a friend from school, “Jim.” He was actually the first person I felt comfortable telling about what happened. He listened without judging me, and I started feeling emotionally safe with him.
Eventually, I developed some feelings for Jim—not because I wanted him physically or wanted to leave my boyfriend, but because he naturally gave me the emotional attention I’d been asking my boyfriend for. I was completely honest with my boyfriend about this. I told him I didn’t want Jim; I wanted him to treat me the way Jim did. Jim also knew about my relationship and respected my decision to stay, so we agreed to limit contact.
Eventually, I told my boyfriend about the traumatic situation too, and, unfortunately, he blamed me just as I’d feared.
When my boyfriend returned, he became increasingly suspicious and accused me of cheating with Jim. I repeatedly told him I hadn’t. He said he couldn’t know that for sure and essentially treated me like I was guilty based on assumptions.
Then I discovered he was cheating on me.
I’ll call the coworker “Lisa.”
I’d met Lisa before. My boyfriend was driving my fully paid-off car, which is registered and insured in my name. He had always made it difficult for me to ask him for rides or have him pick me up. Yet when Lisa called him late at night to take her to work or pick her up and take her home, he immediately rushed to help her.
One night, while I was staying at Jake’s house after an argument, my boyfriend called me and I heard Lisa in the background. Later, she rode in the front seat of my car when he and his friends were going to a river. She looked at me strangely, almost as though I were the outsider.
He told me Lisa had a boyfriend and that there was nothing sexual between them, so I tried to trust him.
Then one night, he was several hours late coming home from work. I couldn’t reach him, and because he was driving my car, I was genuinely worried. I contacted his friends, who said he’d dropped them off and should be heading home. Eventually he came home and said his phone had died.
Later, he told me he’d found out Lisa was cheating on her boyfriend. I asked him hypothetically whether he’d ever sleep with her. He said, “If I tell you this, you can’t get upset.”
He admitted he’d already slept with her.
Multiple times.
He slept with her during the river trip, the same night I was sitting at home worried sick about him, and again after I explicitly told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. He promised he’d stop.
He didn’t.
He slept with her again in my car.
I eventually checked his phone and discovered they were still sleeping together. Lisa knew he had a girlfriend. I confronted both of them, and she told me I didn’t deserve what was happening and could do better.
I knew that too, but I’d recently lost my job, our finances were intertwined, and he owed me around $2,000 that I needed for bills. I couldn’t simply walk away financially.
Eventually, he agreed to stop talking to Lisa. Things improved for a few weeks, but he continued saying the relationship felt like “too much” and that he needed space.
Then I checked his phone again.
He was talking to another woman and planning to meet her for sex. When she questioned why he was talking to her while having a girlfriend, he told her I had cheated on him while he was away, and that was why he was talking to other women.
That upset me more than the planned sex.
At this point, I’d already emotionally given up on him cheating. What made me furious was that he was lying about me and damaging my character to justify his behavior.
I contacted the woman and told her I’d never cheated on him and that she didn’t know the full story.
He became furious that I’d contacted her and gone through his phone. He told me that if I hadn’t searched his phone, I wouldn’t have known, and that sometimes I should “mind my own business.” He also told me that some of my feelings were “bullshit.”
Something in me finally broke.
I still love him deeply, but I also have a strong dislike for him now. I don’t trust him, and I don’t feel emotionally safe with him. I’m realizing that I can spend my entire life trying to communicate, reassure him, cook, clean, support him, and fight for this relationship and still never feel secure.
The problem is that I’m currently financially dependent on him. I lost my job and haven’t been able to find another yet. He is currently my main source of financial stability, just as I was once his when he was unemployed.
I’m considering secretly selling my own car, using the money to pay bills and support myself while I find another job, and then leaving the relationship once I’m financially stable.
I’m not telling him about my plan because I don’t know how he’ll react, and I don’t want to leave myself without financial security.
So, AITA for secretly planning to sell my own car and use the money to get financially independent enough to leave my boyfriend?