r/ComfortLevelPod

Hello Everyone,

I need advice to figure out how to get my husband to understand my frustration.

My husband “31 M” and I “28 F” have been married for 6 years. Since our first year of marriage I have been trying to communicate to my husband that I want him to help more with the housework.

Over the past six years he has improved in many ways. He does wash his own laundry if I don’t get to it first, he picks up around the house, and we clean pretty well together if we have visitors coming over.

That being said there are still several chores that I basically have to BEG him to help with and even then he doesn’t. He never folds his clothes, he never washes the sheets or folds towels. He never cleans the kitchen and NEVER washes dishes.

I’ve been cooking for us for 6 years and always doing the dishes as well. This seems extremely unfair to me. We both work full time, and I actually work a few more house each week than he does. I manage our finances, handle all of our paperwork, administrative work and make all calls necessary about bills or to the bank.

We don’t have kids but it’s safe to say I carry 99% of the mental load. He goes to work, and comes home.

I am totally fed up with always having to cook AND wash dishes and it honestly hurts me that he has no problem letting me do that with no help when he knows I work more than 45 hrs every week managing a successful coffee shop.

To get to the point I told him recently if he won’t help with the dishes and cooking I won’t be doing either anymore and he will have to figure out what he’s gonna to eat each day. Every man for himself.

I thought this would convince him to help, but he told me it’s fine if I don’t want to cook and he will just eat sandwiches. I told him that some dishes will still get dirty even if I don’t cook and he shouldn’t expect me to wash them if he’s not willing to. He told me he will just use disposable dishes and won’t wash any dishes.

This honestly enraged me. How can he be so opposed to washing dishes that he would eat only sandwiches for the rest of his life and spend on disposable dishes forever? We are adults!! Adults have to wash some fucking dishes even if they don’t want to!! How can I get this into his head? I’ve tried everything to explain to him how important this is to me and he just doesn’t care.

I feel hurt and honestly disgusted. I don’t deserve this and I don’t want to spend my life with a partner who isn’t willing to pull his weight or see how much I’ve given every day to make our life better.

TL;DR
My husband refuses to wash dishes even after I’ve begged him for help for 6 years. I carry the majority of the housework and mental load even though I work 45 hrs a week.

I (36/F) have been with my partner (34/M) for nearly 4 years and have been living together for over 3 years.
For the most part, our relationship has been pretty turbulent. Honestly, it’s really a mismatch of perspectives but he also has pretty misogynistic views.
One of our biggest fights are over my body count. It is higher than his by a lot. It’s not like it’s astronomical. (12 people over the span of 10+ years). He was with his high school girlfriend for over 10 years, had a short relationship with another person before he met me.
He’s been constantly trying to shame me for it for years when I don’t really feel that way about it. It kinda has built this narrative that I’m a “loose” woman who’s only out to sleep with more and more people. To a point where every interaction I have with a man, even if it is platonic is viewed as me trying to get with someone. It’s really frustrating because I can’t really have a conversation with anyone.
To give you a bit more context, in the 3.5 years we’ve lived together, this man has been unemployed for about 2 years and I’ve had to carry us financially. We live in a very expensive city, in an expensive part of town. We’ve been stretched pretty tight financially for at least 1.5 years. I work a full time job and I do a majority of our household chores and cooking all our meals. He does laundry twice a week, and wakes up only after 11 am every day.
We have pets and I clean up after them too. They’re usually a little noisy in the mornings and by that I mean they’re chasing each other around the house and one of the cats mews at the bedroom door and I shoo him away immediately. He claims to be a light sleeper and I’ve changed my entire routine to accommodate his poor sleep habits. I feel so frustrated every single day because it really feels like I’m doing everything for us while he just sits around and does nothing for most of the day. Then gets mad when I’m working late or am tired at the end of the day and I’m not up to step out for a walk or want to just sit on the couch and watch tv.

I’ve changed so much of myself to make this person feel comfortable and secure. I’m usually pretty introverted but get quite chatty when I’ve had a few drinks and honestly the conversations are completely innocent and inconsequential. Think places you’ve visited, work, pets, family, etc.

Recently, my partner had the flu. Like most men I’ve encountered they’re really really horrible at being sick. While I’m pretty understanding with all the fussy behaviour, this man gets so angry when he’s sick. Honestly, he’s angry most of the time and has a pretty short fuse. Blows up over the smallest things and I’m constantly trying to manage him.

TW: there have been a few instances where he has been violent with me in addition to some pretty intense name calling - like really really vile shit.

Over the weekend, while he had started to feel better, we went over to a friends house to hangout. He couldn’t drink because he was still on medication but I did. During the course of the night, a few more people showed up. A person we’ve met a few times took the empty seat next to me and we were having a conversation. It was a long conversation that lasted about an hour. Pretty innocuous really. We were talking about family traditions at Christmas. At some point I got up and was dancing with my friends. But it was all so innocent and wholesome really.

He was bored because he was sober and I honestly didn’t pay too much attention to him that night. I was pissed with the lack of gratitude and the nitpicking over all the things I was doing wrong while I was trying to care for him during the week. It’s just so disheartening to have someone question your empathy while I’m just trying to help them.

Even the same day, he forgot to take his medication the night before and blew up on me for not reminding me.

While I was having a conversation with a guy at my friends house, at some point it was about getting sick. I had a few drinks in me at this point and just casually mentioned that my partner is a little bit of a bitch the past week because he was sick. We brushed past that pretty quickly and we continued on with our conversation.

He started to get more uncomfortable as the night went on because everyone else was getting drunk and having a good time. At around 2AM, he asked if we could leave and I said okay. On the car ride home, he wanted to talk about why he was uncomfortable and I was honestly passing out at that point and I knew if I spoke, I would say things I couldn’t take back. So I kept quiet and said I had nothing to say right now. We got home, I went to bed and woke up to a wall of text ( a common practice where it’s a complete character assassination and some pretty intense gaslighting and I’m called a whore multiple times) I honestly don’t really have it in me to look past his verbal assault and see the hurt under it. So I usually take my time before I can come apologise for it.

At some point, he told me all he needs is some softness from me. I told him I can’t be soft with him when all he’s treating me and speaking to me the way he does. Honestly, this man is constantly lecturing me about how I should behave with men. And his excuse is “it’s not like I raped you” as if that’s the standard when I tell him that his words hurt me.

God, now that I’m writing this out, there’s so much toxic awful shit that he’s said to me over the past three years and what I’ve shared here is just the tip of the iceberg. This man has used every traumatic thing I’ve told him from my past and used it as a punch line when we’re fighting. It’s just awful.

I found out the day after the post from Jacqueline that the funeral already happened. Jacqueline, Jack, Jill, and I weren't invited. I deleted Fiona and Hal (Fiona has access to it) off Facebook after I found out and I didn't have Marguerite on Facebook. I deleted Fiona off my kids as well. I haven't blocked either yet. I just hope they will choose not to contact me.

Today I posted on Facebook letting the rest of the family I have on there know he passed. Fiona didn't give me the courtesy of inviting me/us to the funeral. I'm not giving her the courtesy of not telling his family.

Edit: I'm also writing a letter to my bio father and plan to burn it.

I (31 F) and my friend (31 F) have known each other since high school. We didn’t start off very close but over the past 4 years we have become best friends. When we met, her parents were very strict and religious which came with no dating. But of course with her now being an adult, she can make her own decisions and has freedom. I feel this context matters.

With saying this, I feel she is very male centered. I don’t think she’s fully a pick me. She’s never embarrassed herself or friends for a guys attention or ditched friends for a man but she still shows questionable behavior that over the years has become more annoying to deal with. Some examples:
- Flirting with a man on numerous occasions after claiming she wasn’t interested because he had kids and bc of his job. Never told him she wasn’t interested and even hung out with him multiple times. She then complained he got upset with her when she posted something that insinuated she was dating someone else. In her mind he’d got too comfortable and crossed a boundary however I feel like she led him on a bit
- I have been abstinent for 5 years due to past relationship trauma. She will often say she is starting her journey and we are doing this together but then will quickly turn around and sleep with a man. I want to make it clear here that I’m not shaming her having sex. It’s the promises and “we are in this together” that makes me feel uncomfortable and like she is mocking something I take very seriously
- Despite her admittedly not being over her ex and constantly checking his socials to see if he is dating someone, she continues to get in relationships. Will call me on their old anniversaries crying. Will compare relationships to theirs. Will crash out for days if there is an inkling of proof he has a girlfriend
- Admittedly keeps men around she knows like her if she feels they are valuable. She stayed friends with a man for months bc she was planning a birthday trip and he had connections in the city we were going to. Activity rolled her eyes and got annoyed when he texted her or called but kept up the act to get the benefits later. Now she doesn’t talk to him
- Will rush into a relationship then claim they love bombed her when they don’t work out when she was moving fast as well

Those are some examples but really triggered this question for me is her new relationship. They have known each other for 6 months (3 dating, 3 official) and it’s been hard to be around her. I talk to her about twice a week and almost every conversation she brings up something he did to upset her. Couples argue but the annoying thing is her dropping all her wants/needs for this man
- She wanted a God fearing man: He doesn’t believe in God
- She wants an emotionally intelligent man: He constantly says things that hurt her feelings. Not mean things necessarily but very clearly speaks without thinking about impact
- We planned to finally move to the same city (that fell through due to finances) but she started dating him knowing he didn’t want to move out of their city or do long distance. Basically if money wasn’t an issue, she would have canceled our plans anyway to stay with him. She accidentally let this slip during a conversation

She also makes fun of a friend of ours for moving quickly in relationships but in the first month of knowing her boyfriend, they were talking about marriage. Three weeks in, he asked her about meeting his family. After knowing him for a month she considered inviting him to her masters graduation, which due to ticket limits would have bumped another close friend from coming. She’s making very big life/career decisions around their relationship. She also does not talk about this man very nicely. I’ve never met him but the things she says when she is mad hit below the belt. Things I’d only think to say about people if I no longer wanted them around.

Am I looking into these things too hard? Should her relationships even bother me? Is this a reason to potentially end a friendship? A part of me feels like this has to do with her dating life starting in her 20s and maybe me outgrowing some behaviors first bc I experienced them earlier. Hence me being annoyed. I’m not fully sure but I struggle to be her friend when a man is in her life.

Am I being judgmental here? Please be honest with this because that’s what I’m really trying to gauge. Are these valid concerns/complaints? When talking to my mom, she claimed I was judging her. I don’t think I am but I could be totally wrong. For me it’s the repeated behavior with no lessons learned or changes made. A cry followed by a “I can’t keep doing this” and then a month later we are back in one of the above situations. The older we’ve gotten, the harder it is to interact with. Am I overreacting?