r/ComfortLevelPod

For context my husband (M31) and I (F26) have a pretty good relationship we just are very different he’s an introvert and I’m an extrovert. He prefers to stay at home play video games or be in places with not a lot of people, and I on the other hand love going out to raves and partying being around people making new friends, being home all weekend is hard for me.

Now moved away from home so I don’t have many friends in my area and a few of my friends don’t share the same interests. Now I feel stuck I don’t have any to do things with I feel like my marriage has become boring, he rarely leaves the house. And I constantly think to myself is this really it is this real the life i imagined spending weekends in my 20s at home.

And he has tried going to 4 or 5 parties and it’s not for him he doesn’t like it, so I can’t force him to go but he doesn’t want me going alone because of my safety which is valid. But I feel like I’m losing my mind idk where to find friends because I’m not in my home country and I don’t speak the language. And I used to go out and party all the time, and I’m not a crazy drug party person in that way I just love dancing and being in the energy and vibes around a music I used to go sober a lot just to be in the music. And I’m missing that. I’m missing the energy I used to have being able to go out and have adventures and I feel like I have lost that and it’s making me resentful of my husband because he isn’t this way which isn’t fair. I fully accept I’m the asshole just hate this feeling

Hi Comforters!

Before I start, yes… I’m apparently an idiot and accidentally deleted my original post while trying to update it, so now I’m reposting the original with the update because I finally have a major update and would love some opinions, advice or even reassurance again. 😭

Original post (edited slightly):

I (28F) am a huge animal lover and over the years I’ve basically become the neighborhood cat lady. I rescue strays, feed them, build shelters for them, and trap/fix as many as I can. One stray cat in particular, kept having litters before I could finally trap her to get her fixed. She used to literally bring me her kittens one by one like she knew I’d take care of them.

I ended up keeping two of her kittens and rehoming the others very carefully (interviews, meet-ups before adoption and regular check-ins) because I’m extremely protective over where they end up. This eventually leads to my brother-in-law, “Jim” (26M).

Jim has always had a weird competitive relationship with my husband “John” (29M). If my husband gets into something, Jim suddenly wants the same thing too and needs to do it better or more extreme.

So when my husband adopted 2 cat years ago, Jim immediately wanted one too and begged me for the next kitten I rescued. I was hesitant because Jim honestly isn’t known for being responsible, but my husband promised he’d help him learn and make sure the cat was cared for. Eventually, I rescued a kitten we’ll call “Tom,” and Jim adopted him.

Fast forward a few years and things slowly became concerning. My husband and I noticed Jim wasn’t properly caring for Tom. Food bowls would be empty, litter boxes filthy, water bowls stale or empty, and Tom spent most of his time attached to my husband instead because he was the one actually caring for him half the time. I live in a different country so eventually after John and I got married, John moved to come live and begin his life with me. So Jim adopted a SECOND kitten despite us telling him it was a bad idea, but he explained since John is taking his cats, Tom will need a friend and there wasn't much we could do to change his mind.

Predictably, it didn’t go well.

Jim suddenly changed careers and started working away from home most of the week. The new kitten started having accidents and behavioral issues from lack of attention, and Jim eventually gave that kitten away to another family member (who adopted him instead of foster because they got attached). Not long after that, my husband and I offered to temporarily take Tom because Jim was barely home anymore. Even Jim’s fiancée admitted she felt bad because she lived an hour away and could only stop in quickly during the week to refill food and water and even that was tough since she worked full time and has a toddler.

The spoken/text agreement was Jim was going to let us keep Tom temporarily for a year and said he’d contribute monthly toward his care. When we first got Tom back, he was terrified and nervous. I believe since he was alone the majority of the time, and already being a skittish cat, the time alone he spent amplified that. He hid under our couch for weeks, panicked and scratched anyone who tried to touch, and was incredibly anxious.

Now he’s a completely different cat. He sleeps curled up between my husband and I every night, follows us around the house crying if he can’t find us, cuddles with our other cats, and has finally started to become affectionate and confident.

The problem is now that Tom is thriving, my husband and I were starting to have doubts about giving him back. It was too soon at this point to bring this up, and Jim can be a combative person at times, so bringing these feelings up would cause war, so we agreed to wait a little while before bringing any of this up.

The first time Jim visited after we’d had Tom for a while, Tom literally wanted nothing to do with him. He bolted under the couch terrified, and Jim got frustrated enough that I had to tell him to stop trying to force him out by moving the couch he was under. The whole visit lasted maybe 15-20mins before Jim casually announced he got a puppy to bring with him on his job.

At that point I finally brought up the idea of us permanently keeping Tom because I genuinely don’t believe uprooting him again would be fair to him and I was also slightly upset at the fact that he got another pet.

Unsurprisingly, Jim immediately said no.

Since then, every time we see him, he makes comments like “when I get Tom back.”

Meanwhile, he still barely asks about him unless were together in a family setting, he doesn't text or call, and when we send pictures he never responds. He has yet to contribute financially.

At this point, my husband and I genuinely believe this stopped being about the cat a long time ago and has more to do with Jim’s competitiveness toward my husband. I’ve started planning to transfer all of his vet care into my name officially and get him microchipped because, in all the years Jim had him, Tom was never even properly kept up with medically a part from his initial kitten check-up and getting him fixed (I was later informed by my husband he went to a cheap place that only charged $70 so I'm not even sure he has his paperwork.)

At this point, It feels like Jim just doesn’t want us to “win.” But at the same time, I know technically Tom was originally “his” cat, and part of me still feels guilty.

So I need outside opinions.

AITA for refusing to give my brother-in-law his cat back?

UPDATE (6mo later):

Hi again, Comforters!

It’s been about 6 months since I last posted regarding this mess. In my last post and with all the help I got from you guys, I mentioned that my husband and I booked a vet appointment for Tom. I’m happy (and honestly relieved) to confirm that we followed through with it right after I made this post.

Over the last few months, I really hunkered down and did my research. In my area, cats aren’t officially “registered” under ownership like dogs are. Ownership is usually shown through things like vet records, microchipping, and proof of care/payment. I contacted a vet friend who confirmed all of this for me, and shortly after my original post, we got Tom microchipped under our names. We also got him fully caught up on his booster shots and yearly check-up since my BIL hadn’t followed through on any of that.

Since then, my husband and I made the calculated decision to keep our mouths shut regarding Tom around Jim and his family. Part of us hoped that maybe, with time, emotions would settle and Jim would eventually realize that ripping Tom away from the environment and home he’s comfortable in wouldn’t actually be in the cat’s best interest.

It’s now been almost a full year, which was supposedly the original timeline for us “fostering” Tom. During that entire time, we received no money or contributions toward Tom’s care, no calls or messages checking on him, and no real involvement in his life at all. I’ve been documenting all of this.

Well… a few weeks ago, shit finally hit the fan.

I mentioned in my original post that Jim changed careers and is gone throughout the week now, while his fiancée lives an hour away with her child. Up until recently, I genuinely thought she was a very kind and reasonable person. When we first brought up potentially keeping Tom, she told me she had never owned cats before and that she would talk to Jim about everything. Keep that in mind for later.

A few weeks ago, we all went camping together with my FIL, his partner, and Jim’s family. At one point while setting up the campground, Jim’s fiancée casually asked how the cats were doing (Jim wasn't around). My husband kept the answer short and polite and just said they were all doing well. She then mentioned that Jim had talked about wanting another cat once they buy a house next year. My husband asked, “Does this mean Jim is okay with us keeping Tom?” And she responded with something along the lines of, “That’s a conversation for Jim.”

I have really bad social anxiety, and unfortunately one of the things I do when nervous is overshare or talk too much trying to smooth situations over. At that moment, I thought maybe we needed to casually start the conversation and get the ball rolling, especially with the “less reactive” partner. So I awkwardly slipped out something like, “Well, we definitely do need to sit down and talk about all of this eventually because we did decide to get Tom microchipped.”

Honestly, I don’t even know why I said it. I think part of me just thought this conversation was inevitable eventually and maybe starting it casually would help. I thought the conversation ended there.

It didn’t.

Later that night, we were all sitting around the bonfire. My husband got up to go to the bathroom, and almost immediately after he left, Jim and his fiancée came over to where I was sitting across from my FIL and his girlfriend.

I won’t lie, I had a bit of a buzz going and was all bundled up because it was freezing outside, so at first I honestly couldn’t even process what Jim was mumbling to me. Then it slowly started clicking that he was talking about taking Tom back once they buy a house next year.

The second I realized where the conversation was going, my anxiety completely kicked in. I instantly went into freeze mode.

My husband, who’s usually the person who helps ground me and speak confidently in situations like this wasn’t there, and suddenly everyone was staring at me waiting for an answer. At first, all I could manage to say was, “We can talk about it when the time comes.”

But that wasn’t enough for Jim.

He immediately got frustrated and responded, “Well, the agreement between John and I was one year.”

At that point, I told him that I wasn’t comfortable discussing any of this without my husband there. He kept trying to push the conversation, until my husband eventually came back. Jim acted like none of it had happened.

The rest of the camping trip felt incredibly uncomfortable for me after that. The entire time, my brain kept spiraling. Am I doing the right thing? Am I being selfish? Would I be upset if I were him?

But then I think about Tom.

I think about how terrified he was when we first got him back. How my husband told me he had to spend hours coaxing him out from under the couch just to bring him home. How nervous and shut down he was. And then I look at him now. He cuddles with his siblings. He cries to be picked up and held. He sleeps next to me every single night with his little paw always needing to be touching me. He no longer runs and hides when my mom and friends visit. He’s finally learning to trust people.

Tom went from surviving to genuinely thriving.

And that’s what keeps bringing me back to the same conclusion over and over again: I have to do what’s best for the animal that can’t advocate for himself.

On the drive home, I told my husband everything that happened at the bonfire, and he was furious. Furious that I got cornered alone. Furious about how the entire situation was handled. Furious about years of tension and unhealthy dynamics with his brother.

When we got home, my husband decided he was done avoiding the conversation and texted Jim a very long message. The overall point was that he did not appreciate me being cornered at the campsite, that we do not believe returning Tom is in the cat’s best interest, and that moving Tom into a brand-new house with a dog, a young child, and potentially another baby in the near future (they want to immediately start trying after the wedding) would be incredibly stressful for him and selfish on Jim's part. Tom has a history of anxiety and fear aggression when overwhelmed and that can lead to him scratching and hiding. If anything, I don't want to put Tom in a position where he could hurt a child, someone else or even himself.

He also told Jim that we no longer felt comfortable being part of their wedding party. We had been asked to be part of the wedding party when they first started planning the wedding, and while I won’t lie and say I was thrilled about it because it’s a huge responsibility, I still wanted to support them and I didn’t want things to implode like this.

Between the constant planning, parties, expenses, and the overall energy surrounding the wedding lately, both Jim and his fiancée have honestly been giving major “bridezilla” energy at times, but I was still trying to show up and be supportive because they’re family. But my husband admitted that financially and emotionally, he had already been questioning being involved for a long time and this situation just pushed him over the edge. He also wanted to give them enough of a heads-up so this wont disrupt their plans a ton. The wedding is still months away towards the end of this year. I chose to support my husband and realistically, it wouldn't make sense for me to be apart of the big day without my husband.

After the text was sent, Jim completely lost it. There were nonstop texts and calls until eventually my husband answered. I chose not to be in the room for the beginning (which I now regret). Jim can be very reactive and I was already under a lot of stress by this point. I did choose to go listen after awhile and I was surprised to not hear Jim on the line, but his fiancée. Apparently, she grabbed the phone telling my husband that since Jim cannot communicate effectively she was going to speak for him.

My husband said it sounded like she ripped the phone from Jim, she came off as panicked and confrontational. At one point she even brought up studying pre-law. They also tried claiming that what happened at the campsite wasn’t an ambush and was just a misunderstanding.

When the lack of financial support was brought up, Jim argued that we “never asked for the money,” which honestly shocked me considering it was part of the original agreement. What also rubbed me the wrong way was how quickly the conversation shifted toward money. Once care expenses were mentioned, they suddenly offered reimbursement and started acting like we were holding Tom hostage for financial gain, which honestly felt insulting.

What really rubbed me the wrong way though was that while this conversation was actively happening, Jim’s fiancée was simultaneously updating the bridesmaids group chat I was in to announce that I had “dropped out” and that a new chat would be made. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but as another woman it honestly gave me mean girl energy. If the roles were reversed, I feel like most people would’ve quietly made another group chat instead of publicly announcing it like that while everything was actively blowing up.

Eventually, my husband softened and noticeably seemed to back down a bit (which he later admitted was partially intentional to try and de-escalate things), she immediately shifted back into humble mode. She started saying that once they buy a house next year, they would like to eventually take Tom back, but also claimed they “wouldn’t rip him away from his home” if that’s truly what was best for him. The conversation ended with we will make a date to talk further in person.

A few days later, after things cooled down slightly, I decided to text Jim’s fiancée privately to apologize for backing out of the wedding. Regardless of everything happening, I still felt she deserved an explanation from me personally because I genuinely thought we were building some kind of friendship.

Her response honestly hurt.

She basically told me she wanted to keep communication short and respectful (I don't believe it was), did not want further contact with me, and that the men had three weeks to arrange a discussion regarding the cat situation. I chose not to respond after that.

It also honestly gave me the impression that she didn’t want to waste time building a relationship with me until she knew what “side” things were going to land on. Almost like, if things didn’t go the way they wanted with Tom, then there was no point in continuing to be nice to me or putting effort into a friendship anymore.

As of right now, I’m thinking emotionally, legally, and with extremely high anxiety all at once.

If they aren’t even planning on getting a house until next year, that means Tom will have spent even more time bonded to us, our cats, and this environment. Pulling him away from everything and everyone he knows after all this time honestly doesn’t feel like it would be in his best interest.

Legally, I also feel like the original spoken agreement has already been broken. The agreement was supposedly one year and $40 a month toward his care. Not only have we never received any money (“because we didn’t ask,” apparently), but there’s also been almost no communication regarding Tom’s well-being this entire time.

At this point, we have vet records in our names, his microchip registered under our names, pictures, proof of care, and I’m even looking into pulling purchase histories for things like food, litter, toys, etc. through the pet stores we shop at. I'll also start saving them from this point. Since Jim's fiancée pulled out the "pre law" card, I feel like I need to build my case as strong as I can.

I’ve done way too much research at this point... including a probably unhealthy amount of Judge Judy clips (not saying this is research lol) and from everything I’ve seen, situations like this start leaning into abandonment when someone leaves an animal for that long without financially contributing or actively being involved in its care. At this point, part of me genuinely wonders if they even realistically have any legal standing. I’m obviously not a lawyer, so maybe I’m completely wrong, but from everything I’ve researched, it feels less like a temporary fostering situation at this point and more like abandonment.

But at the same time, I don’t know.

Part of me still feels guilty because technically Tom originally started as “Jim’s cat.”

Now Jim is asking my husband to plan some kind of sit-down conversation. It’s been a few weeks since all of this happened, and honestly the longer my husband has had time to sit with everything, the more distant he’s become from the idea of even trying to repair things. He’s also not someone who rushes to respond to conflict, especially with how busy and stressful our lives already are right now.

At this point, part of me honestly feels like my husband doesn’t owe him a meeting anymore. And if my husband truly is okay with letting this relationship go after everything that’s happened, I think a part of me would honestly feel relieved too.

John has made it very clear that he does not want to give Tom back, and from what he tells me, he doesn’t even know if he wants a relationship with Jim anymore after all of this, even if it damages the rest of the family relationships too because everyone usually sides with Jim. And with us being in a different country, this option realistically gives us the ability to make our own choices here.

I don’t know. I genuinely just want to do what’s best for Tom, but this entire situation has emotionally exhausted me.

Thank you if you've made it this far, I know I may get the "this is word vomit comments" but I genuinely needed to get this out.

I am a 34F with a 35M husband of 13 years, two precious girls whom i homeschool after I sold an extremely successful business i built myself. Husband and I now jointly own multiple businesses together, one of which I bought out half ownership from his last business partners. I will label them Business A, B, C and D.

Business A my husband started roght after we got married and its kind of the axis that started all the others. I can't get into specifics cause it's a niche industry. About 6 or 7 years ago my mother (60F) asked my husband if they could start Business B. Which would piggyback off A, but result in way more income for everyone. My husband asked my opinion and while I agreed the money and the business were great ideas, I warned him getting into business with my mother was not a good idea. My mother is a control freak, corporate to the max and quite frankly mean, which in this industry is not a good idea cause it is still very much run on the handshake good Ole boy system and she wasn't a good fit for the long hours, the type of customer service and vendor relationships it requires. My husband is perfect for it and has done well within it already. I even can work within but something I have to leave up to him cause alot of these men think women need to be pleasant. They don't mind them in charge but they definitely write women off if they don't play ball thier way.

Much against my warnings they went into business. While I can't say it hasn't been successful (it has, as much as my mother has tried to ruin it many times and my husband had to swoop in and save it), it has been a nightmare and after all ​this time my mother still believes she built the whole thing, not realizing it all would come crashing down without my husband.

About 4 years ago they decided to open Business C, with my dad and husband as partners. Yet again cornering another peice of this industry. I again, warned my husband that my mother would end up running it as my dad was not a good fit. Shocker, he wasn't. He was terrible. My mother ended up not only running it, but almost ruining it too.

3 years ago, they all 3 bought land together and leased it to a seperate entity.

Okay, theres the build up. So, lets take a small step back from the business standpoint and talk about why i have cut off contact with my own parents.

to say i grew up in a verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically ab**** household is putting it lightly. And the kicker, it was only toward me. I have a younger sister (32F) who never recieved the ab*** i did. Not saying she was perfect, she got in her little normal growing up troubles but not once ​​was she ever sl****d, not once was she thrown down stairs, never once was she told her own mother wished she didn't exist. My mother was the main aggressor, with my father just watching.

It would be a novel to list it all, but I got through it. I came out with my own problems I brought into my marriage but my husband and I fought hard together with therapy, communication and love to get me to a place where not only could I trust him, but I would never treat my kids that way.

I mentioned I owned a business years ago. I loved it, but I was ready for the next thing with my kids so I sold it. But during the many years I owned it I received nothing but unsolicited, nasty, demeaning and unwarranted "advice" from both my parents. I couldn't even tell them how my day was without one or the other, mostly my dad, launching into me telling me I was failing and I was going to loose everything cause I was a lousy business owner and worse employer. It even came to a head for a while where it didn't speak to him.

This whole time, my whole life, my parents are funding my sister. I was told my whole life as soon as I was done with undergrad I was own my own, married or not, they weren't giving me another cent. I was fine with that and did what I needed to do. And I haven't taken a single damn dime from them since the day I turned 22 and I got married 2 weeks before that. They threw me a cheap wedding at a venue I hated, with a guest list that wasn't mine, in a town I didn't even live in anymore and neither did my spouse cause it was cheaper for them. I said whatever, and left.

Since that day, they funded my sisters masters program, paid for her living, gave her the wedding of her dreams, helped her move states, paid some of her bills, paid for some of her travel back and forth, paid for appliances in her new house when they ALL decided to move near me and then paid for her attorney when she had to leave her shifty alcoholic husband. On top of that they've paid back her student loan and paid off credit cards.

I mentioned many times how unfair this was. While I didn't need or want thier money, it was extremely wrong of them. My mother didn't care and has continued to say things like my sister is her favorite, and even told a friend of mine she was more her daughter than I was.

Through all of this I held in there. So I could have parents at Christmas, so my kids could have grandparents, so my husband work life would be easier. But I finally had it. First of this year I bought out thier half of Business C. Less than 2 months later they call and tell ​they are going to out everything they own in a Trust. I asked why, they didn't have enough or really anything of immense value enough to do that and they just said it's what my mother's parents did, and they wanted to do it. I asked how they were going to set it up. They said my sister and I were the trustees of thier main assets but that the land they bought with my husband would go to my girls. I told them no. I didn't want that. They could have my girls inherit the main assets for all I care, but I would like the land to go to me. My husband and I have way later down the road future plans and if something happens with the market or we decide to do something different in our old age, we need to be able to make a quick decision with the land without the hindrance of my children being involved.

I told them both, in no uncertain terms that I didn't care about money, I didn't want a legal problem with my own children later. (We already deal with enough from his family but that's a whole nother can of fu**** up worms). That I've never asked them for one thing ever, that this would mean alot to me and it would hurt my feelings if they left it to my kids.

Surprise! They did it anyway. I told them both I hoped they were happy with thier choices but i was done, I was out. My husband tried to reason with me but they said, "we already gave her a business, shes gotten enough." ​​​​

Excuse me?! I BOUGHT that business. No one GAVE me anything. And I HAD to buy it because my father (remember, the one who always told me I was a bad business owner and he could do it better) couldn't hack it and was failing miserably.

It's been 4 months, my mother is still trying to butt her way into Business C and act likes he owns it. I haven't spoken to either in almost 4 months. My sister is trying to stay out of it because she loves me but she knows she will get drug in as a reason for my anger and hurt.

For clarification: I do not hate my sister. I don't always agree with her choices, but I love her and her children. I don't begrudge her directly for all the unfairness I have been shown.

My husband has been begging me to try. I've told him multiple times, if they out the land as going to me when they pass, I will let them see my children but I will probably be forever out of thier life. I don't want this hard on him, but actually putting him in this position has made him see even more how much of a bully my mother was to me all those years. He was never blind to it, but its wearing on him.

So, am I the A-Hole? ​

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I am questioning my decision after talking with others about it. I dated "Greg" for about 5 months. We got along really well. We have similar interests and Greg is very funny. The one recurring issue with him was his driving. 

To give the full story, I did not get my driver's license until I turned 22. I had a lot of anxiety around driving after I was in a pretty bad accident as a child. I have my license now and driving isn't an issue for me unless I am in large cities, which can still trigger my anxiety. I haven't been in a wreck since I began driving, and I've never been pulled over. 

Greg loves driving and is the type who can never be a passenger in someone else's car. He has to drive himself. Which would be fine except he kind of drives like a maniac. He is the type to speed, follow way too close, slam on brakes, make very quick lane shifts and turns. He will also yell and flip off people who he feels have wronged him on the road. Being a passenger in his car made me feel nervous. When we first started dating I guess he reeled it in a bit, but as the months went on he fell back into full speed racer mode. 

I talked to him about this a few times. He was quick to point out that he always uses his turn signal and has never been in an accident that he caused. I pointed out that just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't in the future. He said I would be uncomfortable in anyone's car because of the accident I was in, but that isn't true. I've ridden in other people's cars plenty before and never had an issue. 

The last straw was when I was in his car and he was yet again following another car way too close. There was only one lane and a stop sign up ahead, so it made no sense to be so close to their vehicle. The couple in the car in front of us pulled over on the side of the road. Greg flipped them off and said "What the fuck is their problem?!" 

I told him it was because he was driving like an asshole and clearly freaked them out! He told me that he wasn't an asshole, he's just efficient, and the only reason I had a problem was because I am a bad driver myself. 

He dropped me off at my apartment later and I had this moment of realizing he would never change how he drives. I would constantly be worried about finding out he finally got in a wreck. I could never take a nap on a road trip without wondering when I was going to get woken up by being flung into my seat belt because he decided it was "efficient" to slam on the brakes. I called him later that night and broke it off. Greg has been sad and apologetic since the break up, but to his credit he hasn't tried to push me on anything.

My best friend understood my reasoning and supports me. My family has reacted differently. My brother says that all guys drive that way, and I'm never going to get married if I break up with people for stupid reasons. My dad didn't agree with my brother, but he didn't disagree either. He said that maybe what my brother said was something to consider. 

So, was I wrong to break up with Greg? Do all guys really drive like lunatics? 

Soooo I’m getting hot and heavy with a guy I’m dating at his house and in the middle of sex he calls me his babymom’s nickname. In. The. Middle. Of. Sex. He tried playing it off saying “i didn’t call you that” (our names are NO WHERE near similar). Right after i confronted him about it. He said “my bad I had just been around her all day, she can’t even do what you do to me!” As if that matters. I was horrified, AND stuck there the whole night because I didn’t drive my car. The man didn’t even roll over, hug me, kiss up, literally nothing. Didn’t even say good morning when we woke up. Now I’m in my head about it, and I can’t stop thinking about how I could possibly be everything a man wants and also be nothing at all because he’s thinking about the last girl while in the middle of sex with the woman he claims to want to impregnate and create a family with is insane to me. Now he’s acting like I’m the problem for being upset, posted a PSA saying he doesn’t give a f*ck, has not texted me back as if I’m the one that fucked up here????? We just can’t come back from that.

Edit: to add, we both have children from previous relationships. None of our kids are babies/infants. I’m 26 and he’s 27.

I think I may have experienced some kind of premonition today.

My 28F husband 28M and I both work from home. His grandfather has been in the hospital for the past few months, but today around 11 AM, I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling that something terrible had happened.

I started shaking. Out of nowhere, I felt this intense certainty that his grandfather was going to die and that his mother was grieving. It hit me so hard that I walked into my husband’s office to check on him.

I asked him if he was okay and whether he had heard from his family. He said everything was fine and that he hadn’t gotten any news. Then he asked why I looked so weird.

I told him I had a really bad feeling about his grandfather and his mom. My husband got annoyed and said I was interrupting his work and freaking him out with my “weird stories.” I just told him to take care of himself today and maybe check in with his mother.

Two hours later, his grandfather died.
I don’t know what to think or do about this. It’s not the first time I get a feeling, (I ‘’predicted’’ 2 illnesses and 1 death), but I don’t ‘’know’’ every time someone dies around me…

This morning (9:30 am) I ordered an uber to church. It’s about a thirty minute drive from where I currently live. Instead of doing my makeup at home, I just showered and decided I’d do my makeup in the car to save time and avoid being late.

I start my makeup in the car, and the driver asks me if I’m going to do my makeup the entire way to our destination. I said yes, then reassure him that I have wet wipes to make sure I’m not getting anything dirty, avoid using powders, and have previous experience doing my makeup on planes/trains/other Uber rides without spills/messes . I also reassured him that he was free to drive at whatever speed he wanted, to not slow down on my accord, as my makeup is fairly simple and doesn’t require much steadiness.

(Simple makeup = a tinted SPF, mascara, tinted brow gel, cream blush, and cream highlighter. It normally takes me 10-15 minutes to do can be defined by most as “clean girl makeup”.)

Anyways, the driver then scolds me stating that I should’ve asked for permission before doing my makeup in his car because that’s the polite thing to do, my makeup has chemicals that “stink”, I should’ve just woken up earlier to do my makeup at home, and I don’t “need” to put on makeup “so early” in the morning.

I was immediately uncomfortable and told him I would stop my makeup but then he backtracked saying “no, no it’s fine now I’m just letting you know for next time, I won’t drop you off here”. (Here= side of the highway that he was slowing down on while he lectured me…)

Anyways, I finished my makeup pretty quickly after that and just put on my headphones the remainder of the ride. He was watching me in the rear view mirror but didn’t say anything until we arrived to the general vicinity of my destination.

(Once we were in the general vicinity of my destination, he dropped me off because he didn’t want to “waste his time” driving me to the actual location so he let me out into the rain on the side of a street.)

The whole thing was just very weird and in all of my years of Ubers/Lyfts I’ve never had this happen before. So drivers, please enlighten me, am I supposed to ask to do my makeup when getting in an uber? Am I crazy for thinking that I could just do my makeup in the car?

TLDR: Uber driver scolded me for doing my makeup in his car without permission.

I female 44 has been married to my husband male 54 for 2 years. We got into an argument tonight over an ex asking me to write a business letter for him and having a 5 minute conversation with my son's father.

For context, my ex and I are not close, nor do we keep in contact really, we barely spoken to each other over the years. A couple days ago, he contacted me for some help with writing a business letter for a side hustle he has. I'm a business woman and have been even while he and I were together. Because I'm transparent, I mentioned that my ex asked me to write a letter to my husband. I didn't agree that I would write the letter, only that I was asked. He said nothing, and I left it as that and kinda forgot about it.

Fast forward to this morning. My son's father came by to pick him up as it was his time to care for our son for the next 2 weeks, per our agreement. No custody court, just our co parenting agreement. My son's dad works for the government and I started chatting with him for about 5 minutes in reference to a job opportunity that I was interested in and if he knows who I can speak to about it. No whisper, didn't talk long just a quick conversation. He told me that he would get back to me with the details of who I needed to speak to.

Hubby said nothing all day about either situation. Later on this evening, as I was about to go to sleep, hubby started to have an attitude about both situations. He said he felt disrespected in both cases. I was lost for words, because he hadn't mentioned anything all day. He started to storm out and I asked him to have a conversation with me about what happened. He proceeded to yell about how he felt disrespected and I explained to him what happened in both situations. He said that I'm not acknowledging why he's upset and stormed out. I didn't bother to go behind him or respond to any of his messages since he left. AITA?

Hi everyone, I am not sure if anyone was looking for an update to my post about a month ago but I have one, and I don't think it's a good one tbh.

As it turns out, my partners parents are strictly of the LDS Faith and while I wanted to give them grace and the benefit of the doubt, this is a lesson that I shouldn't be surprised when people don't change.

My partner's father made it very clear that he does not and will never view our relationship as valid because it isn't and it's a sin in God's eyes. Their mother was no better, being passive aggressive while agreeing with the father.

We are heartbroken but unsurprised. We had both hoped for change, but now we know the truth and can hold steady knowing that moving forward, my partner has decided to go full no-contact with their parents and I fully support them.

Thank you all for your opinions and words, and I'm really sorry this wasn't a better update. But it is what it is and we can close this door and move forward.

I (29F) got married recently, and before the wedding my matron of honor, Erinn, planned a surprise bachelorette weekend for me. She started organizing everything around six months in advance and reached out to my friends in September for a March trip. At first she was just checking who was interested and which weekends worked best.

Eventually a date was chosen, and Erinn sent everyone the details and estimated costs, which was about 5 months in advance. Based on the number of girls who committed, everyone’s share came out to $180 each. That included an Airbnb, a hot tub, food, drinks, snacks all at the house, and a private wine trolley with transportation. The only things not included were travel costs and any extra purchases while out at different wineries.

Erinn only asked that everyone pay by mid-February, about a month before the trip.

My friend Mackenzie was actually the first person to commit. She privately asked Erinn if she could split her payment into three monthly payments of $60. Erinn agreed and said that was completely fine.

I also knew none of this at the time because my bachelorette party was a surprise.

Now, I knew Mackenzie had some financial issues and had gone through bankruptcy the year before, but I never judged her for it. It wasn’t my business. She still regularly went out to restaurants and activities in the city, so I assumed she was doing okay.

Fast forward to six weeks before the party, Erinn asked everyone for T-shirt sizes for matching pajamas since we were having a pajama party the first night. Mackenzie responded with her size. Two weeks later, so around a month before the trip, Erinn paid the remaining Airbnb balance and started buying supplies. Around that time, Mackenzie and I were texting and I asked if she was excited because I was getting excited for whatever Erinn had planned.

Mackenzie replied:

“What weekend is your bachelorette party again?”

This felt odd.

But I reminded her of the dates, and I didn’t hear from her the rest of the day. I told Erinn, who also thought it was weird because the dates had been in a group chat for months, and she literally just gave her t-shirt size two week priors.

That’s when Erinn told me Mackenzie hadn’t paid a single dollar.

The next day I received a giant text from Mackenzie saying she was so sorry, but she couldn’t come anymore because she and her boyfriend were going to Myrtle Beach with his family for his brother’s baseball tournament, claiming the dates had changed and everything got mixed up.

But she specifically said she would still pay her share of $180 because she understood she was backing out late.

I was a bit disappointed, mostly because it felt like she chose Myrtle Beach over a commitment she made months earlier, but I understand life happens. I told her I understood and asked her to coordinate payment with Erinn because things had already been booked and paid for.

I thought that was the end of it.

Then my friend Ellie, who is also friends with Mackenzie, asked when I found out she wasn’t coming.

Turns out, Mackenzie knew a month earlier because she had gone out to dinner with Ellie and asked whether she should go to Myrtle Beach or my bachelorette party.

Ellie told her she should talk to us immediately and reminded her she’d committed months earlier.

So now I knew Mackenzie hadn’t “just found out.” She had known for a month and said nothing.

At that point Erinn had already fronted all the money and was $180 short.

I texted Mackenzie and politely asked if she could please pay by Friday if possible because Erinn had already paid everything.

She agreed and said Friday was payday.

Friday came and went.

No payment.

Instead, Mackenzie texted Erinn saying she couldn’t pay because she had gone bankrupt and money was tight.

Erinn felt awkward and basically said it’s okay because what else do you even say after getting a text like that from someone you literally have never met?

When I found this out, I reached out to Mackenzie and said I understood money was tight, but explained that the issue wasn’t really affordability at that point, it was that Erinn had already paid for everything and was now short money she is owed.

I even told her if she couldn’t pay all of it, she could make smaller payments.

Mackenzie replied saying her situation wasn't like “everyone else’s,” accused me of not acknowledging what she was going through, and said friends shouldn’t do this.

Then she Venmoed Erinn…

Five dollars.

With the caption:

“This is all I can contribute right now.”

I genuinely felt like it was a middle finger.

I still thanked her and again told her I understood money was tight, but reminded her that she wasn’t missing the trip because of finances, she was missing it because she chose Myrtle Beach instead.

She only reacted with a thumbs up.

Then I found out through Ellie that the very next day Mackenzie was going out to eat at a Mexican restaurant with friends.

Again, people can spend money however they want, but it was frustrating hearing she couldn’t contribute anything more while Erinn was stuck holding the bill.

After that, things got worse.

Then during my bachelorette weekend, Ellie showed me Mackenzie’s Instagram stories from Margaritaville in Myrtle Beach. Everything looked expensive, and more than $180.

And apparently I had been removed as a follower.

At that point I just let it go. The friendship was over. But the drama somehow kept going.

Later, I found out Mackenzie had been telling mutual acquaintances a completely different version of events: that we never gave her dates, she thought the $180 was total instead of per person, that we guilted her, that we told her not to worry about paying, and even admitted the $5 payment was meant as a middle finger.

Meanwhile she still owed Erinn $175.

Then, after my wedding, Mackenzie reached out to Ellie and asked if she was mad at her because they haven’t talked in a while. So Ellie confronted her separately saying she was disappointed in how she handled the situation, and Mackenzie again sent multiple long texts changing details and contradicting earlier stories while repeatedly insisting she was a person of “integrity.” 

Mackenzie seems to forget that we all have screenshots of everything, so she keeps digging herself further into a hole by lying and not just taking accountability.

To this day she never paid anything beyond the original $5. 

Now, we’re all blocked by her on social media, but rumor has it she apparently still posts vague status updates about people refusing accountability.

I honestly just laugh because all of this happened over $180 and could have been avoided if she had simply:

• Not committed if she couldn’t afford it
• Told us the truth earlier
• Followed through on what she promised

So… am I the asshole for holding a friend accountable after she shorted my matron of honor $180?

EDIT: For everyone asking, of course we paid Erinn!! My husband and I were going to pay her the amount she was owed, but Erinn and the other girls said no, and the other girls paid Erinn. I don’t know the exact amount Erinn ended up getting, but I do know she got paid more than what she was owed, so we’ll just call that interest.

AND, no, Mackenzie and her boyfriend did NOT attend the wedding. My now husband wanted to rescind their invitation, because there was no way she was about to come and eat a steak dinner and enjoy an open bar. However, we never needed to rescind the invite because they declined anyways.

Please let me know if I am wrong or overreacting here.
My husband and I had a baby five months ago. Seven months ago, he got a labor job, and six months ago, I moved in with him. After giving birth, I chose to move across the country to a different state just to be with him because I missed him too much. Shortly after, he got promoted to an office position within the same company.
Since our baby was born, I have been doing 100% of the childcare. He will occasionally help make a bottle or wash one here and there, but the baby is entirely my responsibility. I believe she has colic because she cries constantly, especially at night. For the first three months, I slept on the couch just so the crying wouldn't wake him up. Because we only had one car at the time, and the baby would scream the entire time we drove, I couldn't go anywhere except for grocery runs. He took the car to work every day.
At his new job, he made friends with a group of coworkers. In my opinion, they aren't the best crowd. The main guy in the group actually got angry and treated my husband terribly when he found out my husband made more money than him, essentially saying he didn’t deserve the promotion. Yet, somehow, they are now "best friends."

My husband works from 5:00 AM to 5:00 PM and usually gets home around 5:30 PM. When he gets home, he showers, eats, does his own laundry, or works on his truck. This routine takes about two hours, or he’ll run to the store. By 8:30 PM, he goes to sleep. He always tells me he wishes he had more time to hang out with us, but that he's just too tired.
Eventually, I decided to move back to my home state. I thought it would be easier because I’d have my own car, and I wouldn't have to catch a flight every time the baby had a doctor's appointment.
Since I moved back, he has been going to this coworker's house 2 to 3 times a week, since the guy lives right near the job site. I’m not mad that he’s socializing; I am mad because every time he goes over there, he stays up until 1:00 AM or 3:00 AM.
He would never do that for me. He wouldn't even stay up to help me with the baby. He stays over there drinking beers, chatting, and playing Magic: The Gathering. When I confront him, he tells me he stays out late because he is "too depressed to go home."

I feel incredibly hurt. Why is it that when he is with me, he claims he can't function without a strict sleep schedule, but he can suddenly stay up all night with them? He has done this before with past friends, too.
Recently, I asked to FaceTime him because I missed him. The time before that, we got into a fight because he stayed out too late. I feel like he is just happier without us and prefers this lifestyle over helping me. I texted him, "I just want a fun day and to be able to sleep," and he completely ignored it. No reply.
I feel like I am not enough. What hurts the most is that this past week, he went over there three days in a row and stayed up late every time. When we do FaceTime, he looks completely checked out—like he’s only doing it because I forced him to. Why doesn't he get excited to see me or his daughter?

I feel exactly like a single mother. I originally never wanted to have kids because I watched my sister be a single mother while trapped in a marriage. I was terrified of ending up in the exact same position. I really thought he was different. I told him all of my fears before we had a baby, and yet, here I am.
To make matters harder, I started working a work-from-home job a month ago. Our baby is incredibly clingy right now; she cries the moment I put her down and refuses to let anyone else hold her. I work a 9-to-5 while taking care of a high-needs baby all day long. I never get a single second off. If the baby has a bad day, it turns into a horrific week for me. This feels like hell.
Everyone else in my life is too busy with their own lives to help. I don't know if this is just my hormones talking, but I feel completely trapped.
When we argued about this, he threatened to quit his job. I told him not to be stupid because this promotion is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Now I feel like it's my fault, and I've shot myself in the foot because he was supposed to come home at the end of May, but now he is staying there until August. Because of that, I feel like I no longer have the right to complain—but I am just so furious that he chooses to give all his time and energy to his coworkers instead of his family.

Around 3 years ago, I met a guy. I’m a citizen here, and he was an international student. We fell in love fast and moved into a shared house together after just one month. Honestly, I was already looking to move out of my parents' place, so it seemed convenient. ​Because I had a decent job and lived frugally (taking the bus, saving $12k a year), the financial burden fell on me. I paid for all the groceries and often covered his rent. Early on, a girl named "Cindy" kept texting him. He claimed he owed her money that he’d sent home to his family, so I lent him $500 to pay her back. Looking back, Cindy was likely an ex he had already milked for cash. She got smart at $500; I wasn't so lucky. ​Since he couldn't find a job, he suggested getting a car to do Uber. I was dumb, deeply in love, and co-signed the loan. Things were okay for 8 months, but he kept taking $200 here and there to "send home." Then, he needed $8k for his college tuition to keep his visa status. I paid it directly from my bank to the college, so I have undeniable proof. In total, he drained over $10k of my savings. ​Once he felt secure, he heavily pressured me to marry him for immigration stability. My parents saw right through his manipulation, flatly said no, and began sending me on casual dates with guys they approved of. To keep the peace at home, I went on a few strict first dates—never a second, and nothing happened. But he used this as his perfect exit strategy. ​He suddenly introduced a new friend, "Shiela," claiming she was just an old school friend. One December evening, he blindsided me, packed his bags, and left to live with her, blaming my first dates. When I later contacted Shiela, she revealed they weren't school friends at all. He had lied to her, claiming I was mentally and emotionally abusive so she would take him in. When I brought up my money, she said I am never getting that back.

​Here is the kicker: he ended up marrying Shiela.

​It has been 2 years since then. He blocked me everywhere. I went through hell, but I prayed, fought, and successfully got my name off his car loan. However, I never saw a single penny of my $10k. Even after contacting his father.

​Today, I’ve completely moved on. I am happily married to an incredibly loving, supportive spouse. But when I read Reddit stories about people getting justice against scammers, a knot forms in my stomach. I let him off so easily. He used me, drained my savings, lied to everyone, and walked away scot-free to get his residency by trapping someone else. ​I still have all the evidence: the bank transfers to his college, the loan paperwork, and the timeline. I am highly tempted to report him to Immigration agency for marriage/immigration fraud, as his entire pattern is exploiting women for status. Also has worked illegally while a student. ​WIBTA if I reported him to IRCC after two years, or should I just let the past stay in the past and focus on my happy marriage?

Am I asking for too much in my relationship, or are we incompatible?
I(31F) have been dating my boyfriend(30M) for about five months, and I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m expecting too much or whether we’re fundamentally incompatible. For context he’s in a stressful medical position . 
There are many things I love about him. He is stable and kind in many ways. Day-to-day, things can feel completely normal and comfortable.
However, there are recurring issues that leave me feeling sad and emotionally disconnected.
My main needs in a relationship are:
Regular communication and check-ins

Quality time together

Shared experiences (museums, concerts, beach trips, meeting friends, etc.)

Affection and thoughtful gestures (including occasional gifts or flowers)

He is much more independent and needs a lot of alone time. He enjoys gaming, spending time by himself, and generally prefers less frequent communication. He also gets overwhelmed in public and often doesn’t enjoy the kinds of activities I love.
I’ve started to feel like our relationship revolves more around his preferences. We tend to watch TV when he wants, go out when he wants, and do things he enjoys. When it comes to activities I care about, I often feel like I either have to do them alone or that I’m dragging him along.
Recently, I was very excited to attend an orchestra performance together (something I had never done before). I had asked him days in advance. Checked in more than once. Told him I’m happy to go with someone else. And he said no. He’s happy to go. But the day of, he said he got overwhelmed at the door cause he was late and requested me to turn around and leave.  That hurt me deeply and made me feel like my feelings and experiences were not being prioritised. So naturally, I blew up and called him selfish. Yes it was 2 days before his interview, but I checked in if it was ok and he did this. I was fuming and walked away on the streets  he kept chasing me and I told him to leave me alone loudly. After which he did leave. I then screamed at him at home. All in all, he said I gave him anxiety before his interview and because of me his interview didn’t go well. 
Another issue was when he went away for an important interview. He barely communicated with me during that time. I felt hurt because he updates his family constantly, but I felt like an afterthought. His perspective is that interviews are extremely stressful and he wants to be left alone during those periods and he needed space. He didn’t tell me this before he went away.  I got one text in 2 days of him being away. 
After I sent him a long message explaining how I’ve been feeling, he told me that I was partly the reason he didn’t perform well in his interview and said that during interviews he wants to be left alone. He also said that if I can’t respect that, I should leave.
I understand and respect his need for space during high-stress times, but the wording felt cold and hurtful.
To be fair, I know I’m not perfect either. I have threatened to break up during arguments, which I realise damages trust and creates instability. I’m actively trying to work on this.
At this point, I feel like:
We love each other.

We both have valid needs.

But I often feel sad and emotionally unfulfilled.

Temporary improvements happen after I talk to him but over time it just slips back into the same routine and end up feeling the same way again.

Am I asking for too much, or does this sound like a compatibility issue?
Can this work? I just feel like there’s no effort being put in. And he’s like effort takes time. But lately I’ve just been feeling sad. 

This is hard for me to write because it’s emotionally charged, but enough time has passed that I genuinely want outside perspectives. Even years later, I still feel disturbed when I think about some of these experiences.

I’m a mixed-race woman (half Black, half white) living in the U.S. I only really processed a lot of the racism I experienced as a child once I became an adult. Growing up, I was outgoing, social and generally well-liked, so I learned how to survive uncomfortable situations without always stopping to process them emotionally in the moment. Looking back, though, there were definitely racist experiences that affected me more than I realized at the time.

I grew up in a predominantly white area, so by the time I met my husband’s family, I already knew how to navigate subtle racial tension and political blind spots. My husband’s family is conservative/Republican, and there were always moments where they seemed dismissive about racism existing, but I never took it personally because I still felt accepted by them overall.

My mother-in-law was always somewhat cold and judgmental with everyone, not just me, so I didn’t immediately interpret her behavior as racial. Nobody objected to my husband and I being together. In fact, sometimes I got the sense that being mixed-race almost elevated the family image socially in their eyes, like it felt “modern” or “interesting” to them in a way that bothered me a little, but I ignored it because they seemed outwardly supportive.

Things changed after my husband and I left the religion we were all part of.

The very first time I went to my mother-in-law’s house alone after my husband told the family we were no longer religious, the atmosphere felt completely different. Tense and awkward.

One of the first things she brought up was the cotton plants she had decorated her shelves with. She asked me, “Do you think these are racist?” but before I could even answer, she immediately started defending why they weren’t racist and giving political explanations about it. It didn’t feel like a genuine question. It felt pointed. The way she looked at me while saying it made me deeply uncomfortable.

Later, while looking through old photos, she randomly mentioned that she “had a Black bridesmaid once.” I asked if they were still friends and she said no. Then there was just this strange silence and staring that felt loaded somehow. I know that sounds vague, but the energy of the interaction felt extremely uncomfortable.

There were other incidents over the years too.

At one point I went to Savannah, Georgia with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. During that trip, I noticed dynamics that made me uncomfortable but I couldn’t fully articulate at the time. I drove the four-hour trip while caring for two babies. At the beach, I carried the babies and most of the supplies through the sand while they walked ahead without helping. At hotels and restaurants, I often felt like I was unconsciously treated more like support staff than family. At the time, I wondered if they were just being inconsiderate or “prissy,” but looking back, some of it felt more layered than that.

There were also repeated moments where conversations about race became uncomfortable in ways that felt dismissive.

Once, while visiting Canada, someone called me the N-word. When I came home and told my in-laws about it, they just stared at me silently and didn’t really respond. That silence honestly upset me more than if they had awkwardly said the wrong thing.

Another time, while I was experimenting with freeform locs during a very normal phase of exploring my Black identity and hair, a southern family member touched my hair and laughed at it during its awkward growing stage. My mother-in-law laughed too. That hurt deeply. Not just because of the hair itself, but because I had chosen to spend holidays and family time with them while already struggling with issues in my own family. I felt vulnerable and genuinely accepted by them, so moments like that felt humiliating.

Any time my husband later tried to explain that certain comments or behaviors toward me felt racially insensitive, my mother-in-law would completely dismiss it or scoff at the idea that racism still exists in meaningful ways.

The thing that confuses me is that none of this was ever explicit enough for me to “prove.” That’s what has bothered me for years. It feels like plausible deniability. Nothing direct enough to point at cleanly, but enough repeated moments that my body and intuition kept reacting to it.

One moment that really stuck with me was when I publicly shared some childhood experiences with racism online. After I posted about it, my mother-in-law abruptly stopped interacting with me online entirely and never acknowledged anything I said again. It felt like once I was no longer part of their religion, and once I openly spoke about race, her tolerance for me disappeared.

I eventually cut ties with that side of the family and my husband and I are genuinely much happier now. I’ve been no-contact with them for a few years. I’ve also had other people privately tell me they believe she is racist, which honestly validated some of my feelings.

But I still think about this sometimes because it’s psychologically confusing when someone never says anything outright hateful, yet repeatedly leaves you feeling diminished, othered or emotionally unsafe.

I guess I’m asking: Am I overreading these situations, or does this sound like subtle/covert racism to other people too especially to other Black or mixed-race people?

My coworker (47M)" Scott" and I are both managers at the same company. He’s known for being pretty useless and is generally disliked by most of the staff. That’s not the reason I’m considering giving my VP of Operations an ultimatum even though others have brought this up multiple times.

"Scott" told me today that he’s been secretly dating one of our floor workers (24F) for the last 5 months. She’s newer to the team and only works part time. She’s honestly an amazing young woman with her whole life ahead of her. She already has a great career right out of school and mostly just works with us part time for fun and extra income ( We are a niche retailer).

The issue isn’t just that he’s her superior. It’s also that, in my opinion, he’s fundamentally a loser. He lives with his parents after years of alcoholism and has never really gotten his life together. Hes also displayed temper issues and is constantly discussing his past about dating young woman he managed in restaurants.

I’m considering going to my boss and basically saying it’s either Scott or me. I don’t really care how they handle it on paper, but I can’t keep working with him after hearing this.

The problem is that we don’t technically have a policy against this kind of relationship and if I left the company right now they would struggle (not because I think highly of myself but because I'm leading a rollout on a new system). Genuinely I love my job and most of my coworkers and I are close, it be very hard to leave. Ive never provided an ultimatum before and think most times they are bad ideas, however, I don’t think I can work another day alongside a manager I view as both predatory and incompetent. Personally I have had this siduation happen to me (Have a manager 20 years older interested in me) and it was traumatizing after I reflected on it with my frontal lobe developed.

AIOR for giving my boss that ultimatum?

Heads up this is a bit long and complex. For protection of the people involved I’ll use fake names.
I 29 F recently rejoined the online dating world. I had no intent of meeting anyone, just strictly for entertainment. I ended up connecting with a guy… let’s call him Kyle 31. A little background Kyle is 31, has a son that he has pretty much full time, and allegedly works multiple jobs. We started talking on Snapchat in February, vague conversations. It eventually lead to him asking me on a date on a Thursday. I agreed to the said date. Thursday comes around and he doesn’t message me so I carried on with my night. I didn’t take it personal because I know he has his son and life happens. Fast forward he messages me and reschedules. He lives 2 hours from me.. Kyle drove 2 hours to pick me up and we went to a bowling alley 30 minutes from me. I had a great time things went well at the beginning. Things got hot and heavy and I disclosed to him that I have HSV-1 GH which I got last year. He was obviously taken back by it which is expected I wasn’t offended. I’ve been in these situations and usually I’m ghosted. He insisted he wasn’t going to ghost, and didn’t. He brought me home and we continued to talk. He wanted to see me at the last minute a few days later but I needed time to process everything myself. A week later he wanted to get a hotel room and take me out the next day. He didn’t plan it well. He got to my house to pick me up late which was fine because I had to help with family stuff anyway. When he got to my house he had no hotel booked and nothing planned. He started calling around looking for one… it was 11:00 PM. He wanted a smoking room so he could smoke *grass* I reminded him that I have asthma and can’t deal with a smoking room. I finally find one 30 minutes north he called and booked it but complained that it was $100. Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned but this was his idea and I wasn’t paying for a thing. We start driving there and he asked me what I want for dinner. Since it was as late I told him Applebees is good. He asked me if I was going to pay.. I said no? It was his idea why would I pay… and on top of that he allegedly works multiple jobs and lives with his mother. He pays for the takeout and we get to the hotel. After eating I changed into a cute outfit. I also want to add I showed him the stuff I ordered us to use and asked if he was ok with it.. he was excited and said yes. Once I get into my cute outfit I got anxious. I haven’t slept with anyone since my traumatic outbreak of HSV-1 last year. We ended up just passing out and I was relieved. In the morning things got hot and heavy but nothing crazy. I got ready for the day: I must add that one of his jobs is instacart and that’s fine but he went out and did an order while I got ready came back showed and we left. He ends up doing another order WITH ME IN THE CAR. Anyway we make it to the city and we went to a museum that I suggested. He instantly complained that he paid almost $100 for us to get in and that it wasn’t worth the money. Fast forward he refused to pay the parking garage fee of $18 so I did. Next he did ANOTHER ORDER in the city which took almost 2 hours. We finally get back to my house and on the way he said he wanted to meet my family. So he did. It seemed like it went well. He left and called me shortly after. We continue talking the next few days. I decided to get a rental vehicle for the week because I currently don’t have a car and I also do DoorDash and multiple delivery apps. He asked me to come 2 hours away and see him. He knows I’m a full time student and I work maybe 20/30 hours a week so obviously I’m not Bill Gates. When I got there I saw him and did a few deliveries while exploring the area. The night ends and he ends up making me book and pay for the hotel room for the night. **I didn’t want to stay at his mom’s house I haven’t met her or Kyle’s son and he wasn’t ready for that either**. He ends up getting a griddle at the store and cooking me steak. While we were at the store he mentioned some kind of toy that his son had wanted.. it was $20 so I said let me buy for him. We go to the next store to get the steak.. I find out later he stole one of the steaks.. THEY WERE $7 EACH!! I do not like people that steal. Anyway steak was good we pass out wake up and start the day. He went to go pick his son up and bring him to school and I worked for a bit. Late afternoon he calls me with his son in the car but I was in his AirPod.. started degrading and complaining about the mother of his child IN FRONT OF HIS SON…. MAJOR TURNOFF. All because he went there to pick up his son’s medicine and she had a man there.. so I said if you’re done with being with her why do you care. He got real quiet. He also lied about when they broke up originally he told me 2 years but it was really a year. I also am one of those social media diggers so I saw that his ex girlfriend took a vacation last April so I asked him when the last time he took a vacation was and he said last April I go oh with your ex girlfriend? He said no with his son.. interesting because they were at the same spot. He also kept ignoring my Facebook friend request so I asked him what he didn’t want me to see and he said nothing. Anyway fast forward it’s late and dark and I can’t see well at night. We get to the hotel and GUESS WHO PAID AGAIN… ME! I end up changing because he wanted to go get dinner at the Chinese food buffet and so did I. Mind you my cousin just got done telling me buffets are cheap and never let a man take me to one. While I’m getting ready he was rushing me and I guess I got an attitude he stood up and got in my face RED FLAG. Anyway we get to the buffet and he’s complaining about the price… it’s $25 per person lol for working multiple jobs and paying no bills he sure cares a lot about money. As we’re sitting there I notice his finger nails FULL OF DIRT. Then I realize he’s in the same outfit… clearly didn’t go home and shower at the start of the day like he said he was. Finally we get back to the room. At this point I’m turned off and want to leave but I already paid and again can’t see well at night. He didn’t shower. He took his sweatshirt off with no shirt underneath. We got into bed next to me and I went to sleep right away. I woke up a little before 4:00 pm and all I smell is cheap grass with tobacco and ARMPIT BO. He went outside for an hour to smoke. We both went back to sleep for a few hours and he leaves to get his mom to work and pick his son up. He son didn’t have school so he was going to figure out what he wanted to do which was great because I was going home anyway lol. He called me because I told him I checked out of the hotel. Apparently he wanted to take his son swimming in the hotel pool? Weird because I didn’t know and haven’t met his son because we BOTH weren’t ready. Anyway I was scrolling through social media and he share stuff about wanting a girl he could buy flowers for lol because he never bought me flowers. He also posted that he has a job offer in the south and will be moving. So I call him. He said he has an interview Monday. I asked if his son was going with him.. no it’s not my business but I wanted to see the type of man his is because as stated he has him almost 7 days a week and he doesn’t like going to his mom’s house. He said he was leaving his son here. So I end talking to him shortly after and I tell him I think we should be friend because he seems like he’s still getting over his ex and plans to move south anyway. He got a little upset and said he’s not stuck on his ex. It gets quiet and he tells me it’s a deal breaker that I have HSV-1 GH. Which would be an acceptable response if It wasn’t when he was kissing me and laying up on me though lol I take antivirals daily and also added L-Lysine to help reduce my risk of passing it to about 1%.. anyway so now he’s trying to flirt with me again and wants to spend more time with me. So I’m confused… AITAH?!!!

AITA for still going to my MIL’s 70th birthday after my FIL refused to attend because of me?

I (mid 30s F) have been with my husband for years and we have a daughter together. I’m relatively close with most of his family and until recently I was especially close with his step sister “Vanessa” (mid 30’s) and her dad/my FIL. Vanessa and I were genuinely best friends. Like soul sister level close.

About 6 months ago there was an awkward incident at a party involving Vanessa’s long-term crush “Ben.” (Also mid 30’s) To be absolutely clear: nothing romantic happened. We were saying goodbye, both went for the cheek kiss, and accidentally landed on each other’s mouths for literally a split second. Closed mouth, immediately laughed off, my husband was standing next to us and saw and didn’t care at all due to it being a non event.

Apparently Vanessa did care.

At the time we had an argument about it, but I genuinely thought we’d moved on. I apologised for upsetting her, explained there was no intent behind it, bought her a thoughtful gift the next time I saw her, etc.

Then out of nowhere after I saw her again she sent a long message saying she was upset with me because I had told her my MIL knew about the disagreement from FIL and made a comment which supposedly meant she couldn’t trust her own father. For context, her dad has lived with this woman for TWENTY YEARS he obviously told her we had had an argument especially given how close we were. He didn’t exactly leak state secrets.

Vanessa has a long history of permanently cutting women off over perceived betrayals, so while I was devastated, I eventually accepted it despite grieving the relationship.

The issue now is my FIL.

Before all this, he and I got on brilliantly. He was the first person in my husband’s family who fully accepted me and we genuinely adored each other. We’d sit drinking and laughing for hours. He was my person in that family besides my husband.

Since the fallout, he’s completely iced me out. Won’t answer messages, avoids seeing us, etc. Hurtful, but whatever, he’s her dad he’s always going to take his daughter’s side.

BUT NOW…

My MIL is turning 70 and we’ve found out my FIL is refusing to attend her birthday party because I’m going.

I genuinely cannot believe this is real life.

This whole thing stemmed from an accidental mis-kiss SIX MONTHS AGO that my husband literally witnessed and did not care about. Yet now a grown man in his 70s is refusing to attend his partner’s milestone birthday because I’ll be there.

I initially considered skipping Christmas and future family events to “keep the peace” but now I’m thinking absolutely not. Why should I exile myself from my husband’s family because two people are behaving like this?

For context:
- I have never shouted at anyone
- I have never insulted Vanessa
- I thoroughly apologised for upsetting her even though I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong
- I have continued being polite
- My husband and several other people who were at the party think this has been blown wildly out of proportion

My husband is furious because he feels his stepdad is punishing the entire family but especially his mother over something ridiculous.

So… AITA if I continue turning up to family events and basically leave my FIL to either deal with it or sulk upstairs?

I (F21) am feeling a bit stuck and need an outside perspective on this situation. I received a car from my mom at 19 as a congratulations/birthday gift for making it through my first year of college. I couldn’t have a car on campus so my mom let her boyfriend used it while I was in school. He did not take care of it in the slightest. There was a busted window he refused to fix, a broken side view mirror, he had never cleaned it, and never did maintenance.
Last June, I crashed the car and was completely at fault for it. And with the combination of my issues and his issues, the car is was drivable but practically totaled and unsafe to drive.

My mom’s car was in the shop at the time so she bought a temporary car for 3k and eventually I bought it from her for 2k. However, the first day I got the car, fresh out the shop, the engine blew and became completely unusable. I drove it for a total of 10 minutes before it blew, so I was now out of 2,000 dollars that I needed for rent and school expenses.

I’ve also given my mom just over 3k including the car expenses because I received large refunds checks from school and don’t mind helping her out, including paying her car note when she wasn’t able to for about 500 dollars.

Now to what has recently happened. Recently, my mom bought a Ford to fix up, with the plan of selling it to me for $2700. When I came back from school I got a car opportunity from a family friend that I decided to check out.
My mom was upset I was looking at the car because “she already had a car for me,” I told her im not the biggest fan of ford so I just want to check out this car and see if it’s worth it. She claimed she was upset because the mileage was too high. But she was taking it as a personal insult, even though I told her multiple time nothing is set in stone and I’m just considering all options. She took me looking at other cars as a done deal and called me stupid, dumb, irresponsible, and other chastising comments for even looking.

Eventually I decided the other car wasn’t worth it anymore and told her I’d rather take the ford until I can save up and buy a new car. Once again, she told me that car was mines, I could buy it from her and over the summer I wouldn’t have to pay as long as I took my brother for driving practice and let him use it. That was reasonable to me as I mainly need it to get to and from work.

Once I told her I decided against the car and I’ll take her deal on the ford, she said that it doesn’t matter because I’m not using the car. I told her I’m going to pay for the car when I get the money and do what she asked of me and she says, “No no, go back to your Avalon. You wanted it so bad even after I told it was a bad idea, so go get that car.”I was genuinely stunned but not surprised but how petty and childish she was being.

She said that she was tired of paying a car note so she was going to sell her car back to the dealership for about 10-15k and would use the ford instead. I asked her what about everything she’s been shouting about for the past few days and she said she changed her mind. I asked her if she could at least let me drive the car until she sells her other car and she is refusing and just keeps saying to go get that Avalon I wanted so bad. So I asked her if she could instead loan me 5k after she sells her car to get a used car and I’ll pay her back the amount she ask for. She refuses to do any of that and told me to instead drive my totaled car if I really need a car. I have massive driving anxiety and that car is a complete safety hazard. (a window is busted it and duct taped over,a side mirror is completely broken, the seatbelts don’t work and the fender is completely totaled).

I feel like I’m being punished for even thinking about doing something that she didn’t want me to, but moreover, I feel like she’s doing this simply out of selfishness of wanting the car instead. I know I’m at fault for my old cars issue and I’m wondering if I’m just acting spoiled for expecting her to help me. I know I’m 21 now and maybe I’m acting childish but expecting her to help me out when I’m at fault for my car being totaled in the first place. But, I’m also frustrated that she’s acting this way over something I was simply considering. I I hate relying on her because she does this stuff all the time; completely screwing over plans we have if it means something more beneficial happens to her or I simply make her upset. To get her to help me I have to constantly bargain with her.

She doesn’t have to worry about paying for my school because I’m completely covered my scholarships and aid. I pay all my rent and utilities on my own and I don’t ask her for money unless I truly need it. That 2k massively screwed me over and I can’t get that back. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

TLDR: I’ve given my mom over $3k this year to help her with bills, including $2k for a car that died 10 minutes after I bought it. She offered to sell me her Ford, but when I decided to to look at another car before committing, she got insulted, called me "stupid," and snatched the deal away. Now she’s keeping the Ford for herself and telling me to drive a totaled car with no seatbelts as punishment. AITA?

So this is about my friend 19F and 19M. My friend Dashia has been letting her boyfriend Quincy come over to her house to spend some days together. Quincy told Dashia he had experience with his past relationship without condoms. He tried to convince her to go unprotected like he did before, after he did not know how to put on a condom. Dashia refused and asked him to get tested. He did and then tried to convince her to go unprotected (which I thought was coercion) she did refuse. They end up getting to do the do and he tries to put on the condom he gets performance anxiety (as in gummy worm). Whilst watching tv he confesses that he is actually a virgin and it is because he could not find the vaginal canal in his last relationship and she broke up with him after. So in those situation is it wrong for her to break up with him because he lied. I did get permission to post this.

*all names changed to protect privacy*

First off please forgive me for my terrible grammar and whatever else. Anyway,

So my friend from school, Valery (F55) and I (F27), go to school together for advanced skin care. I like her as a person but she kinda has Boomer tendencies that drive me crazy, and it's also just kinda weird for me to have a friend a lot older than me but she's funny and we make each other laugh and have lunch together sometimes, but she's not someone I would naturally gravitate towards. Recently she invited me to her memorial day pool party and that day we have an extra day off from school too, so she knows I'm not doing anything because I've told her when I start my job during the week. But I don't know if I'd be comfortable being around her family and stuff? I'm not really sure who's going but she said one of her son's is going, and her fiancé who she hates of course will be there because its his house, but like what, do I just go and hang out with a bunch of old men n shit and her other older lady friends? Won't they be looking at me like ???? And ill look at them back like ?????? Is this weird or am I overthinking this?

I think I would be less hesitant maybe if I also just enjoyed talking to her more often? Just because there's conversations that we have where I leave feeling invalidated or frustrated because of those boomer tendencies 🙄

I don't think anyone else from class is going or anything either so I'm not sure what to do. And if i don't, how do I say no? 😅 I don't know her that well or how she'll react so yeah. I kind of just want to be honest and say it's not really my thing and I'd feel like the odd one out, and also I'm genuinely not comfy being in a swim suit around people I don't know. I also burn in the sun, 20 minutes and I'm cooked chat. Literally. And yes sun screen (always use your sunscreen 🫵), but for me, being cooked in the sun isn't a very sick experience either way.

I ain't meant for the social life it seems.

Anyway what should I do? Would I be an asshole?