r/ComfortLevelPod

I apologize for the long post.

I (29 F) bought a condo last June. What should have been the most exciting time in my life turned into something incredibly stressful and I am still dealing with a lot of guilt and feel as though my parents resent me for what I did.

For context, my parents have always been financially insecure and irresponsible for as long as I can remember. When I was 19 or 20 I moved back home after breaking up with a partner that I lives with at the time. Since then, I have been contributing rent, paying for my own food and any and every other expense I had. My dad later admitted to me that he did not want me to move back home but only allowed me to because my mom made him.

My relationship with my parents has always been rocky, especially with my mom. When we got into fights they would always pull the leverage card of "if you don't like it, leave" and "this is not your home and you don't get to have things your way". I never felt comfortable at home and always spent time in my room and rarely came out unless it was to make food, which even then I hated doing.

For additional context, my parents would complain about me making noise in the kitchen when trying to cook as the living room was beside and they were ALWAYS watching tv, I couldn't do laundry unless it was after 7PM (hydro rates) or when my mom wanted to do laundry, I was not allowed to have friends over as it was not my place and anytime I wanted to express frustration or being uncomfortable with something it has always been met with "if you don't like it, leave". Living in their home was terrible for my mental health.

I have always worked really hard. Most of my working life (since I was 14) I was either in school and working or working two jobs. I have worked hard to be where I am, and have never really had financial help from my parents, which I don't resent them for and have never expected anything. The thing that frustrates me is that they are ALWAYS complaining about money but actively making choices that hurt their situation. For example, my dad finally paid off his truck which was a bit rusted but had no mechanical issues. Instead of driving a paid off truck, he and my mom decided he needed a new truck. They also take little vacation trips that they cannot afford. They went shopping in the states (we live in Ontario, Canada) with one of their couple friends and when they came back were askinge to lend them some grocery money. Those are just examples. Whenever I voiced concerns it always turned around to be "none of my business".

Now going back to last year. I had been saving money for a down payment on a condo. Housing in Canada is extremely expensive, and TBH I didn't ever think I would be able to buy anything by myself until I saw a listing last year and thought it might be something doable. Long story short, I bought the condo and DID NOT tell my parents until papers were signed as I thought they would try to talk me out of it for their own benefit. When I told them, they did tell me they were proud of me and that they were shocked. After the news settled a bit, my dad said "damn, if I would have known you were making that kind of money, I would have charged you more rent" and kind of laughed it off.

I feel like an asshole because I KNOW they relied on my rent to pay their bills. The timing of this listing also came at a terrible time as my mom's work was on strike.

Fast forward to when my parents see my home for the first time. My mom's first comment was that my windows look old, and my dad asked what happened to my floor. Yes, my condo is old, but it's mine and I'm proud that I was able to give myself stability. My dad even asked me for money the first week I had moved out, when I obviously had taken on a large financial burden.

Now, present day, I feel like I am not a priority to my family. My sister is married, and they had their first baby, first grandchild and niece to me who I absolutely adore and I know they see her and her family a loy. I know a large portion of it, is the baby, but I feel like they forget about me, or maybe it's ingenyionsal. It feels as though I don't see my family unless I initiate a gathering and when I do see them, it's either at their homes (they live in a different city about 40 minutes away) or when they do come my way, they don't stay long and the visits are awkward.

I feel like my parents have some resentment towards me for leaving them high and dry during a vulnerable time in their lives, and resent me for owning property which unfortunately they were never able to do for themselves.

My friends all tell me that my parents are adults and it's not my job to take care of them, they have dealt with money their whole lives and if they don't want to change, it's not my responsibility to subsidise their life. I feel terrible because I know they are struggling and I am their child so I feel like maybe I shouldn't have bought my home.

AITA? I am an anxious person, yes I want honest opinions but please be kind.

My husband (28) and I (31) went to a dance class on Saturday night. It was our first time there, and as first-timers we each received a token for one free drink after class. Earlier that evening, my husband told me he didn’t even want the free drink but whatever since he already gave them his information.

The class went great. Afterward, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw him standing at the bar. I asked what he was getting, and he said he wasn’t getting anything, he was giving his free drink token to a woman standing next to him. He then told the bartender to let her have whatever drink she wanted using the token.

My mood immediately changed, and I was bothered by it and went cold for the next 24 hours.

When I finally brought it up, he explained what happened. According to him, the instructor announced that the drinks were on him (instructor) at the end of the night and a guy at the bar asked my husband to confirm with the bartender that indeed a free drink was offered. Since we were leaving, my husband asked the guy nearby if he wanted the token. The guy said he had already used his own but pointed out that there was a woman who didn’t have one and said she should get it instead. My husband said okay. He also said the bartender told him he couldn’t simply hand over the token, so he had to stay there and redeem it.

I asked why he felt the need to play “Captain Save-the-day. I also asked, “What if I wanted the extra drink?” He said he knew I didn’t want another drink, but if I had wanted one, he would’ve happily bought me one himself.

He insists he never asked the woman her name, never flirted with her, and had no conversation beyond giving her the token. He says he was just trying not to let a free drink go to waste.

From my perspective, though, it rubbed me the wrong way that instead of just letting the token expire or throwing it away, he went out of his way to make sure another woman benefited from it. It wasn’t really about the value of the drink, it was the gesture that bothered me. I even told him he could’ve given it to her and just go about his business and the claimed that would’ve still been a problem if I asked what he got and he told me that he gave it to a woman.

My husband has been very calm about the situation and seemed unbothered.

So, AITA for being upset about this, or did I overreact?

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for 4 years and I am thousands of pounds in debt trying to support him.

Some context about my boyfriend: He has had a lot of struggles with his mental health, much of it stemming from long term abuse as a child. Since we’ve been together he started to talk about what happened and has been processing this trauma. He has also been addicted to weed since long before I knew him and while I can see it deffo helps when he’s in crisis mode, he can’t go a day; let alone a few hrs without smoking. He’s struggled to maintain a job, in the first few years of us dating he had a pattern of working somewhere for around 3 months, then suddenly he’ll decide he hates it and can’t go back and will just not turn up again. Then he’s unemployed again until the next time, with no reference and out of money. After his last turn at that, I suggested he commit to taking the time out of work and instead do therapy and work through everything, which may help him regulate his emotions and make holding a job easier (at the time he was living with his family, I rented with my friend). I have been financially supporting him prior to this and since, I work a good job so I am able to support both of us, as long as we’re both smart with money. It’s now been almost 2 years since his last job and he’s struggling to get back into work.

We recently moved into a house (I bought it, mortgage is in my name), I pay all the bills etc. He gets money from the gov, along with pip to help him along. Some of which goes to getting things like food for the dog and bits for the house. We agreed that he’d do work on the house as his main contribution and so eventually we can slip it. But we can’t afford to do any work on the house because he keeps gambling away all the extra money. Last night he woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep so gambled the £200 left we had for doing the work on the house / buying food to live on.

I work full time, I am also the main cook and cleaner of the house (which makes me feel like I’m letting down feminism lmao).

Talking about money with him always results in him shutting down. When he told me about the gambling before this most recent time it was £300 (we’d put aside for the house) and he said how stupid he was etc. This time he admitted it and I suggested he deactivate all gambling accounts, remove the apps and unsubscribe from the emails so nothing prompts him. He said “yeah”. I said I could help if he needed. He said nothing so I clarified that I understood it can be hard removing something your addicted to so I am happy to support if he needs. He snapped at me for telling him what to do multiple times when he’s already agreed. He’s now left the room, I doubt anything will be deleted.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve had to sign up to uber eats delivery driving to try and make extra money because we are in lots of debt. I used to add up how much I’d given to him in the first two years but I gave up, the ballpark is around £10,000 over the last 4 years. I know he is applying for work and that its hard for anyone atm to get a job, let alone with such a gappy CV.

It’s hard because i know the trauma he’s trying to work through and I see the dynamic with his family, especially his parents, which has just taught him such bad communication skills and defensive behaviour.

I’m at the point where I’m screaming inside “JUST DO SOMETHING!!”. Do the delivery driving, work at a shop, mop at a hospital. Stop wasting any bit of money we get. I’m now taking on a full time job, part time job as well as being primary carer to him and the house. He has stopped going to therapy now and so I am again his only outlet (he doesn’t have friends).

I’m exhausted, I don’t think having a go at him will benefit anything. I am trying to find the right way to talk about this stuff that doesn’t make him shut down or cry from guilt. I keep saying that a change in behaviour means everything, and I’m not angry at him. I’m just really tired of the situation. I can’t talk to my friends and family because they already know that he doesn’t work and I pay for everything and question why he can’t work, I don’t want to add to that narrative that he’s a freeloader because he’s not. I appreciate this doesn’t paint him in the best light, but he is genuinely an incredible kind and smart person, he’s just lost his confidence, lost his way and is still processing his trauma.

Any suggestions for how I can support him to get back on his feet in a long term way?

Hii readers! Even though I have accepted the situation and outcome. It would be nice to see where everyone’s view point is and how they may have handled the situation.

I’m a 26-year-old single female. I had two friends—we will call them G and Chexmix. (Both females btw)
Some back story on who these two are. Chexmix was someone I met maybe 2 years ago. And she was becoming a close friend. Someone I chilled with regularly. She’s fun, low-maintenance, and someone I always had good vibes with, so I had zero reason to doubt her judgment.
G I’ve known for maybe 9/10 years. G is someone who always seems to be in the middle of self-made mess, but claims she wants to do better. I wanted to believe she was genuine about turning things around, so I opened my doors to her.
I was already pretty hesitant (Not that it has anything to do with me… but in my house it would have everything to do with me). When it comes to my peace it is non negotiable.
I mind my business and enjoy my quiet life. I didn’t want that being interrupted.
I felt like as a friend, I could possibly help as she seemed ready for change and I was just giving my friend the benefit of doubt.

Anyways these 2 friends don’t know each other. I introduced them (first mistake). I figured that 2 of my “ closer “friends that I do hang with and chill with often can come together and WE ALL can get along and chill together idk. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I never mix friends fyi .. If I do it just depends on the individuals sometimes
Anyways
We go out… and we have a goodnight and we end up back at my house and everything is good, everything is sweet. At this point we are all in the living room. I have an air mattress blown up for them and I even have my futon laid out. I end up falling asleep on my bean bag chair in the corner…. Last I remember is them sitting on 2 complete ends of the futon doing their own separate thing. It had to be 3?4am?

I’m usually sleeping underneath the cover. Head And all and I was slowly waking up, I remember hearing like tip toes so I popped up taking the blanket off my head and I see G in her underwear..she had on a shirt and I go … “what are you doing?” And she just froze and looked at me. I didn’t want to assume. ..Girl could have been doing anything but I then realized that Chexmix was no where to be found…. And again didn’t want to assume. Chexmix could have been left?? Using the bathroom ?? idk and idc. I said interesting and I lay my head back down.
Maybe 30 mins later I wake back up again and I have to use the Bathroom Im walking to the back of my house to get to the Bathroom and lord and behold I see them IN MY BED. The door was wide open… I thought that was pretty bold.
Before I even say anything… I do not care who anyone is being intimate with but in In my beddd is kind of crazy? Idk there’s a level of disrespect and carelessness happening Huhhh ??? there’s so many options and routes they could have taken as well But in this situation they both lack consideration and respect.
Anyways after I told them that they needed to go it didn’t end there.

As the week was going by they both were texting me and apologizing and saying how shitty that was and how they wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin the friendship I have with them 😂 **idk I felt like they were genuine until they weren’**t.
I have Chexmix telling me I’m blowing the situation out of pocket because she’s convinced herself that I’m in love with her? She says she’s been realizing that for a while now and the way that this is playing out I gotta be in love. I can say that this isn’t that. 😂 let’s not deflect.
I can say that I love all my friends and anyone that is in my corner. I’ll show you that everyday. I am very supportive of my friends and whatever they may need they know they can come to me and I got them. So besides me being a genuine ass human being… and a friend my intentions were never ever that.
On the other hand I have G acting like I’m the biggest villain. She doesn’t see anything real fault in her doing but not that I have all the trust in the world anyways but i definitely have none for her or Chexmix now.

In conclusion i said my peace to the both of them and it was pretty straight forward and it was to really say my last words before i decided to just block them both.

I also didn’t mention that even after everything was said and done i was pretty calm about the whole situation. Things were calm until they started being sneaky? I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to worry about a friend’s lying to me. And they were doing that ..just to hang out 😂 so no I realize that they are okay in the chaos that they create
I ended up blocking them both and continuing my life because it does in fact keep going. 🙂‍↕️

i am an only child of relatively older parents, and i've been excelling in academics ever since elementary. i'm in my third year of high school now, where my parents told me to take an entrance exam at a prestigious science high school, even though i didn't want to. but i did it for my parents. i got in, and the first year was terrible for me because it was my adjustment phase since we had advanced classes.

i remember crying over math because my teacher wasn't able to teach it well, and i had to study on my own. at the same time, i had different major exams coming up and multiple projects with the same deadlines. i was overwhelmed and honestly didn't know what else i could do. my father saw me crying and got mad. he yelled at me just for crying over math and screamed, "THAT'S NOTHING TO BE CRYING ABOUT!" my mother gently told him that i was just overwhelmed, but he didn't take it well. instead, he accused me and my mom of ganging up on him and making him out to be the bad guy. we weren't, never did.

my mom has always had a fawn response to my dad. my dad isn't always like this. he does fulfill his responsibilities as a father financially and does things for me, and i know he wants me to have a better future. but whenever something emotional happens, he starts yelling, accusing, and sometimes even throwing things. when i was younger, it was much worse. i remember being 8 years old and hearing him scream at my mother and slam the door. i remember coming home in 8th grade to our entire house filled with shattered things because my dad and mom had a misunderstanding.

i think what hurts the most is that i've grown so accustomed to it that sometimes i don't even realize how scary it is anymore. this behavior has been normalized in my household for so long that i've learned to stay quiet, keep my emotions to myself, and avoid doing anything that might make someone angry. i know i don't like yelling or anger, but lately, it's been happening more and more, and i can feel myself becoming more afraid of it.

i can't even ask for help. we don't have enough money for therapy or anything like that, and my aunties defend my father and justify his behavior while blaming my mother. they don't acknowledge that maybe my dad has anger issues too. maybe they don't see what i see, or maybe they've just gotten used to it as well.

my father has even told me that he feels like a bad parent whenever he sees me because i'm his child and, apparently, i'm a bad child by his definitions. just a day ago, i was completely exhausted from all my schoolwork and i kind of sassed him. he cornered me and asked, "do you even see me as a parent? you're so disrespectful." he yelled at me and accused me of seeing him as a bad person.

and now, even though i'm taking online classes, he's accusing me of not talking to him because i'm angry at him. at this point, i don't even know what i'm supposed to say. i know i'm not the perfect child. i know i make mistakes, get irritated, and sometimes say things i shouldn't. but idk i've always been walking eggshells around him and even if i hate to say it, i feel much better when he's not around.

i know he loves me. i know he works hard for me. i know he wants me to have a better future. and maybe that's why this is so difficult to understand. because someone can love you and still scare you. someone can provide for you and still hurt you emotionally. someone can want the best for you and still make you afraid to show how you're feeling.

i don't think i've ever wanted to become like him. if anything, i've become the opposite. i hate being angry. i hate yelling. i hate seeing people get scared because of someone's anger. so i just keep my emotions to myself, or at least i try to. i don't know if i've actually gotten used to his behavior, or if i've just gotten used to being afraid of it. i might be overreacting, but i'm conflicted. i feel guilty for feeling this way, even.

I 29(F) and my brother 34 (M) have always been close since we were kids. We could tell each other everything and always hangout together. Even into adulthood we were like two best friends.

Growing up my brother always had trouble trying to talk to woman. He was very shy and quiet around them. Until he was in his 20's and became friends with a guy at work that introduced him to s*x worker.

His friend did this because he thought if my brother just got the chance to know what it was like to be with a woman then maybe he would have the courage to not be scared or nervous around them.

Unfortunately that backfired because ever since he went down that path he didnt gain any courage to talk to woman.

He has been doing this for years but recently things have gotten bad. A couple of months ago started dating one of the woman and they moved in together. I did not think this was a good idea because of her profession and the fact that she takes certain substances.

Which made me think that he might be doing the same substances as her. I asked him and of course he said no and swore up and down that he is not doing that. Obviously I didnt belive him but whatever nothing I could do. He informed our mom and oldest brother what he had done and they said he needs to stop talking to this woman, go no contact and she is not the right person for him.

He said we just don't understand and that we should be able to accept him and his gf for who they are and stop judging him for being with her and that we dont even know her.

For the past month he has been calling me each week asking me for money claiming it is for bills when in reality I think he isn't using the money for something else. I recently found out for sure on saturday when he came to my apt asking me for money.

Now mind u after he told us to just accept the lifestyle he chose as much as it hurt me I had to let him be and we hadn't talked in awhile. When he came to my apt he looked like he lost alot of weight, he was wearing his work clothes and they were extremely filthy and he smelled like he hadn't showered in days.

I sat him down and tried to have a conversation with him and he was crying and telling me that he infact hadn't been using the money for bills and that he was sorry and i was right all along. Not only was he asking me for money but our mom and oldest brother would give him money as well.

He constantly says he is going to stop. He says he is sorry and constantly says he will change but never does.

I love my bro very much and I dont want to see anything happen to him. I really dont know what to do and if u tell him that he needs to get help and some therapy he just denies it.

I really wish i could give him the help that he needs it constantly upsets me to know he is living a life like this. I cant keep crying or going insane thinking about this. I wish I had my old brother back. I wish we could go back to the days when we were like bestie but I know those days are over now.

The only way I know how to deal with this is to go no contact. I feel like I should block him so that way i can have a peace of mind.

Im really at a lost but I dont wanna keep feeling down and crying idk what to do so AITAH if I block him?

TLDR After being close to my brother for years. He decided substance and lying were worth more than having a bond with me. WIBTAH if i went no contact?

original post

Thanks to everyone for empathizing with my mom's situation. Abusive partners are hard to leave and despite how strong willed my mom is, she is no exception. Shes been in couples counseling for months trying to save her marriage because she really loved this man, but now with more recent infidelity, her anger and hate over his betrayal is now finally outweighing any love she had for him. She is hurting a lot but also KNOWS she will be happier without him eventually.

To anyone insinuating shes staying for the money: it is more complicated than that. She is still going through with the divorce but she will be mediating instead of going scorched earth. This is because the prenup will trump the infidelity. He will get the house regardless and she is just trying not to be homeless.

Now for the update:

My mom was able to get dan out of the hiuse for our visit without giving away that we know. My fear was that hed find out and get angry and violent. But apparently they have been arguing a lot lately because every time my mom stands up for herself, he gets defensive. This man just wants his lifestyle - both wife and paid sex life on the side - with no consequences or questions.

My mom told him "we have been fighting a lot and i dont think youll be able to hold it together while [me, my spouse and child] are here, and when we fight in front of them, they will know. If you dont want them to know, you need to leave." It worked.

We had a wonderful time visiting my mom. My cousins and their kids came over for my daughter's birthday. Honestly, it was the best outcome I could've hoped for.

Best of all, which i didnt mention in my original post, was that i got to visit my grandfather. He had fallen and hit his head recently and has been in hospital since. He has a brain bleed that, while not getting any worse, is not improving just yet. It makes it hard for his to eat and talk. I was afraid that cancelling meant not getting to see him for the last time. He's 87, so you never know when its the last time. I got to go see him and bring his great grand daughter to see him. He was so happy, reaching out and patting my hand and holding my childs hand. As of right now hes still very much alive and the doctors think hes improved enough soon to move to a rehab in a few days.

As for my mom, shes going to come stay with us for a few weeks while she figures out how to proceed with the divorce with her attorney.

I will update again when I know more or when the divorce proceeds further.

I'd like to give a bit of background on my mom. She's 63. She was married to my dad for 12-13 years. Got divorced when I was about 10 or 11. When my mom brought up the subject, asking me how id feel if she and dad got a divorce, I honestly felt happy. I told her to do what makes her happiest. Can you imagine being an 11 year old and being happy that your parents are divorcing? My dad was financially and emotionally abusive to all of us. My mom had a meager allowance he provided her, but once I hit middle school, she wanted her own income. She went back to grad school to become a pastry chef. He didnt want to pay for her schooling, saying it was a waste of money. She went anyway and it created an irreparable rift, leading to divorce. For all of my high school she was a single mom with her own catering business, taking care of me and my younger brother (who has tourettes and a learning disability and needed to be homeschooled). My dad did shit all to raise us and honestly I cant imagine crying at all at his funeral. My mom fought hard during the divorce because if it was up to my dad he wouldve left her with absolutely nothing. She is a tough and generous woman. When she was making her own money, she had no issues helping others who were struggling. I am lucky to have her. Our family was small at Christmas time (just me, her and my brother when I was in high school ans college), but we enjoyed each other's company and did not ever miss my father being there.

I honestly though Dan was good for her. He treated her well, they went out and did things together and had fun and were living life. It was only when he was discovered that he became angry and defensive and violent. He just turned on a dime. You think you know someone...

Would I be the asshole if I went no-contact with my family? Hi everyone! I'm going to try to be as detailed as possible while keeping information private for my safety. I'm told by a couple of people that I'm making the right choice but I would like another opinon. I, 29f, started dating this guy,32m, a few months back. From the start of my relationship my family was pushing my boyfriend to come down to see me. Issue with that is the man works blue collar, so he's working damn near non-stop. The main problem happened several weeks ago. My family and I were out of state for a famiy get together. We were headed back to our homestate and the parents started asking questions about the boyfriend. I answered as best as I could. They got extremely angry about the fact the boyfriend doesn't want children and can not marry me. Him and I have discussed that and we're good with that. But my family thinks otherwise. They started bad-mouthing him, belittling him and his mental health issues, and just downright being rude. I had told them from the start that if they wanted to get to know him they could message him themselves. Evidently they decided that doing that wasn't their job. So unbeknownst to me I was put into a fued that did not need to happen. Very recently I had told said family that I was moving out and in with him. That went as good as putting a dress on a pig. I was guilt tripped, gaslit and basically told I was making a mistake. My little sibling ,28, had called a relative of ours about the blow up. I got asked by the sibling to call the relative. I did the next day. I got told I should reconsider and should break up with him. Everything had calmed down until within the last week. I got into an agrument with step-parent (sadly still live bio and stepparent due to high rent prices). I got asked if boyfriend was coming down and I said no due to their behavior. Stepparent said that it was a red-flag. Stepparent then turned it on me saying it was my fault this whole situation happened in the first place. I fail to see how this is my fault considering I said from the start to message him if they wanted to get to know him. This toxic stuff has been happening for a long time. I'm at my wits end. I refuse to be blamed for a situation I did not cause. 

AITA for choosing to go no contact with my sister(33f)? For a back story I(29f) haven't had my sister in my life until 8 years ago. We reconnected after my grandfather's funeral. Four years later she had my nephew and decided to go no contact with my dad, whom I still had a relationship with. I was supportive of that even if I couldn't understand the reasoning. My father said he was just grateful we had reconnected and had a relationship as sisters. Unfortunately my father got ill in 2024 and passed away from covid. I told her he wasn't doing well and told her if she wanted to see him now was the time as he wasnt doing well(I wasnt trying to force her at all, she had mentioned missing him, I just suggested it), the day she decided to see him he had already passed, I was the one who had to tell her.

During the time period after my dad's death and leaning more on each other for support, my sister has had several jobs she's quit. She'll start a job and then quit within a few weeks and try and supplement her income doordashing or Uber eats. This has caused her and her fiancee(29m) who stays home to watch my nephew full time, to get behind on bills more times than I can count. Being a supportive sister I don't want to see my nephew struggle because of her mistakes I would frequently give her money for bills, groceries, gas and more. She also has full access to all my streaming apps and hasn't paid a dime towards any of that in over 2 years. She faced homelessness with her family during the beginning of the year but was saved when her fiancé family bought them a 22,000 trailer to live in. Afterwrds she went no contact with them for suggesting they better themselves for my nephew. I've mentioned to her that I plan to move to a different state with my boyfriend in a few years to be near his family. Flash forward to three months ago I let my sister know that once our 15 month lease ends, which doesn't even go in affect in October, it was may then-that we planned to move. It ends January 2028. Suddenly she started getting distant, making up excuses that I couldn't visit or see my nephew. When mentioning it to her after a month or seeing this and us not talking as much she claims she doesnt understand how we can have a relationship with me moving out of state and has to protect herself and my nephew from being hurt. The last straw was her telling me that the last time I saw my nephew, which was a two months prior to this, that I was on my phone too much add I hurt his feelings, but yet, she never sent me a message to let me know about this and just sat with how she felt. That was the last time we spoke and its been 5 weeks. Today I wrote a letter and mailed it to her letting her know I was done and she needed to do better for my nephew. She mailed my dad a letter when she went no contact so I thought it was fitting. I miss my nephew so much but it's taken a toll on mental health the way she's used me, I wouldn't know what our realtionship would be like. I thought we were sisters but I feel used and lied to by her. AITA?

About a month ago my cousin and I (who have been living in the same house for a while, because his burnt down) got in a big fight after he told me we would play a card game, but he backed out. At about 1:30 I came to him and I was asked if he wanted to play progressive rummy (for those who don’t know this is a 4 player game that takes about 3 hours, so the kind of thing you spend a day on). We don’t play frequently, but we do play often enough that a question like this is a usual occurrence. His friend was in the house, and he said they would both come and play in about 20 minutes. I avoided making other plans with friends as I enjoy games like this and was happy to spend a day on it. After 20 minutes he came to the table and the game was finished being set up, and right before we got home, my sister gets back to the house from shopping. She is with a friend and her and my cousin begin talking for a long time. I am aware this is one of my character flaws, but I don’t really like talking. It bores me and I would always rather be doing something. This is an issue I’ve had forever, and I know it’s weird and on me so when this happens I either sit back and listen or find a way to occupy myself. The conversation is about the friend of my sister getting into a jet ski crash, and I see how that could be interesting, again talking is just not my thing. The conversation went on for about 2 hours. At 4:00 I came back because the conversation stopped, and the game was still all set up on the table. When I came back my cousin said, “It’s been to long, I told my friend Abe I would come visit him by now, because he just got his wisdom teeth taken out. Now 4:00 is that weird time of day where it’s too early to make night plans with friends, but too late to hop into the day once. This would mean I wasted an entire weekend day. I wanted to be as nice as possible while still showing my disliking of the situation. I definitely was nicer about it because his excuse was a real one. So i said, in an angry tone of voice, “I understand you need to go somewhere and you can do, but please let me know in advance next time. Don’t tell me you will play and then leave me hanging.” He tells me he’s happy to play for 20 minutes and I tell him id rather not, and i begin to clean up the game. He then starts to get mad at me and says “why do you think you can tell me what to do and where to go (in response to me telling him he can leave if he wants). I never even committed to playing, something has come up, why don’t you understand that.” I told him he misunderstood me and that I was saying I wouldn’t force him to play because I know that would be wrong, as he saying and am only asking that he let me know in advance next time. His friend who is on his side for the rest of the argument, agrees he did not say maybe, but he said yes. My cousin, again angrily, tells me I have no control over him, and he will go cause he wants to go. I at this point just finished cleaning up the game, so I whisper under my breath ‘no need to be an AH’ and walk away.

After about an hour of watching friends I come back hoping to forget this all happened, but then I realize he never left the house. He never left to his friends house and this is where the fight really started. It was long and there was a lot of repeating ourselves so here were our points.
Me: please make your intentions clear before committing to something. Say maybe if that’s the truth. Not going to your friends house after that being was terrible, and all I want is for this to not happen again.
Cousin: this was a spontaneous conversation I had no control over. You can’t tell me what to do and where to go. I am and you called me an AH over such a small thing before.
At some point he also said something like, “This is why people hate speaking to you, you never back down, and you try to control things. I’m the only person you know who is even willing to try and talk out this argument and not just walk away.”
This pissed me off and I left angry. We didn’t speak for a little bit and after about 2 days we forgot about it and let things go back to normal.

Now.. for the reason I’m posting… that friend that was there. Is a friend of mine too, and we have a like/hate relationship. You know, the kind of friends who like to insult each other all the time, and don’t really mean much to it. Recently, his response to most of my things is “who are you to talk you cried over flipped out over a card game. You are crazy.” This gets to me. Especially if it’s the way my cousin still sees this fight, because all I want him to understand, is that I didn’t freak over a card game, I freaked over the principle of ditching me, and how through the entire fight, he couldn’t just say, “it won’t happen again.” That would’ve ended it much sooner and him doubling and tripling down was what made it so much worse for me.

og post:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/x8824fnrc9

update 1 :-https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/X2XBoA3FwB

update 2:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/ShQPp2gvBc

update 3 :- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/ghhghTMB30

Hi everyone. A few people asked about my husband’s late wife’s parents, so here’s a quick update on them.

After the ultimatum there was silence for a while. Eventually we agreed to a few short supervised visits with my husband present the whole time. We kept them limited so our stepson could still see them without the usual ignoring of my son or the negative comments about him and me.

From my husband’s face and mood after every visit, it’s obvious nothing has really changed.

Tbh I feel this — they still seem uncomfortable with him being a stepfather. It feels like they think any attention he gives my son means he’s neglecting his own kid, or that I’m the one pushing him to do that. Like they’re still trying to get things back to how they were before instead of accepting how our family is now.

They asked if our stepson could sleep over at their place. My husband said no straight away. We’re both worried that if he’s not there, they’ll say negative things about me and my bio son in front of him. We don’t want them putting ideas in his head that could create problems between the two boys or make him pull away from me.

My husband is still calm about it and holding the same line — they need to show basic respect and kindness to both kids. He’s not asking them to love my son the same, just stop the exclusion and the comments.

For now the supervised visits are the only contact. We’re not increasing them, and my husband is the one deciding when or if they happen. If their attitude stays the same, we’ll probably cut them back or stop them again.

On a better note, things with my husband’s parents have been going well since the therapy session. The tension has eased a lot. They’re more open, they’re checking in properly, and it feels like they’re actually trying to understand our side instead of just reacting. It’s a quiet kind of progress, but it’s noticeable and we’re grateful for it.

Our stepson has asked about the other grandparents a couple of times in a casual way. My husband answers simply and doesn’t badmouth them, but he also doesn’t pretend everything is fine.

We’re just focusing on the people who treat both boys decently and keeping our home peaceful. The four of us are doing okay, and that’s what matters most right now.

Thanks again for the support.

AITA for refusing to be the godfather to my husband's cousin's child?

I (35M) have been with my husband Joseph (36M) for over 13 years. This situation involves one of his distant cousins, Pebbles (22F), who was pregnant with her first child at the time.

For some context, I barely knew Pebbles. Over the years, I would see her at the occasional family function, but our interactions were usually just a quick "hi," "bye," or a very short conversation. There was never any bad blood between us—we just never developed an actual relationship. We didn't really have much in common, and because she is a distant cousin of my husband's, we simply weren't around each other very often.

While Pebbles was pregnant, her mother (my husband's aunt) contacted my husband and asked him to ask me if I wanted to be the godfather to Pebbles' firstborn.

I was honestly baffled.

First, I thought it was a little strange that Pebbles didn't ask me herself. Her mom asked my husband, who then had to ask me. I wasn't offended by it, but considering how important being someone's godfather can be, I expected that kind of conversation to happen directly between Pebbles and me.

At the same time, I was genuinely honored. It actually gave me a little bit of joy knowing that she had apparently thought highly enough of me to consider me for that role.

But I also couldn't help thinking: Why me?

I barely knew her.

My husband and I tend to take important decisions pretty seriously. We've been together a long time, and whenever something major comes up, we talk it through, look at the pros and cons, and try not to make decisions based purely on emotion.

So we told his aunt that we wanted some time to think about it.

One of the concerns that came up was money.

My husband and I both have good-paying jobs. We're not rich by any means, but we're financially stable and comfortable. We own our home, have two cars, pay our bills, and are fortunate enough to have some financial security.

Pebbles and her immediate family were going through a much harder financial situation at the time. From what my husband told me, there wasn't much stable income in the household, the baby's father was in and out of the picture, and the family was struggling financially to the point where there were concerns about keeping their house.

I want to make something VERY clear: I don't look down on them for struggling financially. Life happens, and people go through difficult situations. If someone in my family genuinely needed help and I was in a position to help them, I'm the type of person who would try.

But because I barely had a relationship with Pebbles, my husband and I started wondering whether my financial stability might have played a part in why I was chosen.

We had no proof that this was her intention, and I don't want to accuse her of something I can't prove. But the possibility made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to accept such an important role and later discover that "godfather" meant I was expected to financially provide for the child, buy expensive things, or become the person they called whenever money was needed.

More importantly, even if money had absolutely nothing to do with it, I kept coming back to the same issue:

I didn't really know the mother.

To me, being a godfather isn't just a title you give somebody. If I'm going to accept that role, I want to have an actual relationship with the parents and be a meaningful, consistent person in that child's life. I didn't feel comfortable making that commitment to someone I barely knew simply because we were technically family through my husband.

After talking everything through, I decided to say no. My husband agreed with my decision and called his aunt back. He explained that I wouldn't be accepting because neither of us really had a close relationship with Pebbles or her family.

There wasn't any big argument or dramatic confrontation when we declined, but I've wondered whether I judged the situation too harshly.

Part of me still feels bad because being asked was genuinely an honor, and maybe Pebbles simply saw something in me that made her believe I would be a good godfather. On the other hand, I don't think someone should accept that kind of responsibility out of guilt or just because they're family.

So, Reddit:

AITA for refusing to be the godfather to my husband's cousin's child because I barely knew her and was concerned there might be financial expectations attached to the role?

I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for 3 years, and we’ve lived together for 2.5. We met through our mutual friend “Jake,” who is basically like an older brother to me and my boyfriend’s best friend.
When we started dating, neither of us was in love yet. He had never had a girlfriend or sexual experience, while I’d dated before. Because I knew he’d probably be curious about sex with other women, I initially told him I’d be okay with one one-night stand. About a year into the relationship, I changed my mind and told him I wasn’t comfortable with him sleeping with other women anymore. He agreed and said he wasn’t the type to sleep around. I later found out he’d still been secretly texting other women, which I didn’t discover until this June.
Last year, he quit his job and went months without income. I became the sole provider and didn’t resent him because he’d previously helped me when I desperately needed to make a school payment. Eventually, he found another job.
In December, something traumatic happened to me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, especially my boyfriend, because I was afraid he’d blame me rather than comfort me. While he was away for a few months, I became close with a friend from school, “Jim.” He was actually the first person I felt comfortable telling about what happened. He listened without judging me, and I started feeling emotionally safe with him.
Eventually, I developed some feelings for Jim—not because I wanted him physically or wanted to leave my boyfriend, but because he naturally gave me the emotional attention I’d been asking my boyfriend for. I was completely honest with my boyfriend about this. I told him I didn’t want Jim; I wanted him to treat me the way Jim did. Jim also knew about my relationship and respected my decision to stay, so we agreed to limit contact.
Eventually, I told my boyfriend about the traumatic situation too, and, unfortunately, he blamed me just as I’d feared.
When my boyfriend returned, he became increasingly suspicious and accused me of cheating with Jim. I repeatedly told him I hadn’t. He said he couldn’t know that for sure and essentially treated me like I was guilty based on assumptions.
Then I discovered he was cheating on me.
I’ll call the coworker “Lisa.”
I’d met Lisa before. My boyfriend was driving my fully paid-off car, which is registered and insured in my name. He had always made it difficult for me to ask him for rides or have him pick me up. Yet when Lisa called him late at night to take her to work or pick her up and take her home, he immediately rushed to help her.
One night, while I was staying at Jake’s house after an argument, my boyfriend called me and I heard Lisa in the background. Later, she rode in the front seat of my car when he and his friends were going to a river. She looked at me strangely, almost as though I were the outsider.
He told me Lisa had a boyfriend and that there was nothing sexual between them, so I tried to trust him.
Then one night, he was several hours late coming home from work. I couldn’t reach him, and because he was driving my car, I was genuinely worried. I contacted his friends, who said he’d dropped them off and should be heading home. Eventually he came home and said his phone had died.
Later, he told me he’d found out Lisa was cheating on her boyfriend. I asked him hypothetically whether he’d ever sleep with her. He said, “If I tell you this, you can’t get upset.”
He admitted he’d already slept with her.
Multiple times.
He slept with her during the river trip, the same night I was sitting at home worried sick about him, and again after I explicitly told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. He promised he’d stop.
He didn’t.
He slept with her again in my car.
I eventually checked his phone and discovered they were still sleeping together. Lisa knew he had a girlfriend. I confronted both of them, and she told me I didn’t deserve what was happening and could do better.
I knew that too, but I’d recently lost my job, our finances were intertwined, and he owed me around $2,000 that I needed for bills. I couldn’t simply walk away financially.
Eventually, he agreed to stop talking to Lisa. Things improved for a few weeks, but he continued saying the relationship felt like “too much” and that he needed space.
Then I checked his phone again.
He was talking to another woman and planning to meet her for sex. When she questioned why he was talking to her while having a girlfriend, he told her I had cheated on him while he was away, and that was why he was talking to other women.
That upset me more than the planned sex.
At this point, I’d already emotionally given up on him cheating. What made me furious was that he was lying about me and damaging my character to justify his behavior.
I contacted the woman and told her I’d never cheated on him and that she didn’t know the full story.
He became furious that I’d contacted her and gone through his phone. He told me that if I hadn’t searched his phone, I wouldn’t have known, and that sometimes I should “mind my own business.” He also told me that some of my feelings were “bullshit.”
Something in me finally broke.
I still love him deeply, but I also have a strong dislike for him now. I don’t trust him, and I don’t feel emotionally safe with him. I’m realizing that I can spend my entire life trying to communicate, reassure him, cook, clean, support him, and fight for this relationship and still never feel secure.
The problem is that I’m currently financially dependent on him. I lost my job and haven’t been able to find another yet. He is currently my main source of financial stability, just as I was once his when he was unemployed.
I’m considering secretly selling my own car, using the money to pay bills and support myself while I find another job, and then leaving the relationship once I’m financially stable.
I’m not telling him about my plan because I don’t know how he’ll react, and I don’t want to leave myself without financial security.
So, AITA for secretly planning to sell my own car and use the money to get financially independent enough to leave my boyfriend?

My (29f) brother (32m) and his ex (31f) have 50/50 custody of my niece (11f). Over the summer, my niece got her first period. She was with her mom at the time, but my brother called me panicked because he had no idea what he needed to keep on hand in his house. He said he tried to talk to his ex about it and she told him to just figure it out. He called me because he wanted advice from an actual woman. I went to the store and got some necessities for him - a variety box of pads, baby wipes (I personally feel like those are better and cheaper than buying the feminine wipes), Midol, one of those microwavable, weighted stuffed animals, blemish patches, and some of her favorite snacks. I explained the different sizes of pads to him, told him some tricks in case anything gets on her clothes or bed sheets. I also recommended that he talk to her about what products she preferred to use so he can make sure he has them and doesn't just have random products she doesn't like since that makes things 1000 times more stressful. I also made a period pouch for him to keep in his vehicle just in case they're ever out and about and she needs something (pads, travel wipes, Midol, lotion, hand sanitizier, hair ties, things like that). About a week later, I got a call from my brother saying how much my niece loved the period pouch. He had shown it to her and she thought it was the greatest idea ever. Apparently, she's having a lot of anxiety about having her period and going back to school soon. She asked if I would make her one of the pouches for her to keep in her backpack. I asked if her mom had made something for her, and she said no. My ex-SIL told her that she didn't even need to keep pads on her since you can usually get them in the restroom. Side note: I don't know what restrooms she's been in, but 9/10 when I've been in a public restroom, there's either no feminine product vending box, or it's out or it just doesn't work. I told her she can at least keep a pad in her backpack or purse just in case so that she has peace of mind and that I would be more than happy to make her a pouch, as long as it was okay with her mom. I don't have kids myself, but I never want to overstep or be disrespectful to parents. On top of that, my ex-SIL can be very messy and I don't want to deal with any drama.

About a week before the start of school, my niece called me and said her mom was completely fine with the pouch, so I made her another one. I did omit the Midol since most schools don't allow students to keep any type of medication on them and she could just go to the nurse if she needed to. I gave it to her the next time she was at my brothers. The explosion came when ex-SIL went to pick up my niece and it happened in my brothers front yard. Apparently, ex-SIL and niece had been going in circles about the period pouch. My niece kept pitching it - that it would have anything she might need so she would be prepared and it would help with her anxiety about it - and her mom kept shutting it down - said the pouch was over the top, she didn't need all of that, and my niece just needed to calm down and learn to deal with it. Now my ex-SIL is seething, saying my brother is letting me get too involved in their parenting decisions, that she's tired of everyone acting like they know better than her, and is even threatening to not let me see my niece anymore.

I understand why she feels that way, and while I don't have a lot of great things to say about my ex-SIL, I would never intentionally step on her toes or try to parent over her. I do think the public blow up is little extreme (it has been the talk amongst my brothers neighbors), especially over a period pouch, and that we could've had a conversation about it since I didn't know she said no. Ex-SIL won't even talk to me so I can apologize. I know my niece feels awful about the whole situation and she's really upset that we might not get to spend time together anymore. I told her that I was her age once, so I understand the anxiety she has, as I'm sure a lot of women do, but it wasn't okay for her to lie like that, and that if her mom kept saying no and dismissing her concerns, she should've brought that up to her dad so that could've been a parent conversation instead of her trying to be sly about it. Now she's a little mad at me, saying I'm also coming down on her, but I told her that what she did was wrong and there was a better way to handle it.

Hi all! I’ve been thinking about this because I see stories about people having kids with a boyfriend or fiancé and having struggles with (usually the man) supporting the child financially or raising them.

So what’s the deal with people seeing having a CHILD with someone as less of a commitment than marriage? There are obviously reasons to have a child “out of wedlock”, but the point of marriage is that the people are in a contract and it is way easier to hold the (usually male) other partner accountable for child support and caring for the child (not foolproof, but there is legal protection).

I don’t want to sound regressive or conservative, but the trend of seeing children as less of a commitment than being married is kind of concerning, because it leaves the children in a more vulnerable place. I guess the benefit is that if the relationship goes south marriage could make it harder for an abused partner to get out of the relationship, but…

Shouldnt people figure out if the relationship is going to work with commitment BEFORE having kids? I think part of the problem is people not using protection and having kids thoughtlessly; at least in the younger generation.

Curious to hear your thoughts and experiences!

Hello All,

Me and my partner are in our mid twenties with 2 children both under the age of 3 years. I had been a SAHM for about 10ish months until 2 weeks ago when I did get a job.
For a little background information; My partner had messaged and entertained many women since a little before last September, right before I gave birth to my youngest child and entertained them until my youngest was 9m old. I had no idea until I went through his phone one night and found all kinds of stuff about the matter. I did confront him about it and he Used an excuse about an incident that happened 12 months ago. I told him that there is no excuse that can make him look good about doing this to me and or our children. I did ultimately stay, I was really confused on the matter and was jobless from being a SAHM. Also for context; My partner works a labor job, he makes very very good money , but works outside all day from 6:30am-4:30pm and is usually depleted of all energy daily .

The incident that he used, involved me receiving a message from my ex asking to meet up a month or so before I gave birth. I did not reply to this message but did look up this ex on social media . My partner found all of this and became very livid about it . As they do not like each other. Again, I did not reply , just became nosy and looked the person up.

Fast forward back to more current times: I did start applying and looking for a job after the shit I found on his phone. I don’t know why , I just felt depressed and powerless. I also had been wanting to move out of our current house that we are renting, to our own house for very longtime. I used that specific reason as an excuse to get a job. He tried shooting down the idea of me getting a one but I pushed on and went to interviews and so forth. I was hired for a job where we live and even had a lady who could watch our children more privately that was a better option then an out right daycare center. I am currently in my second week of working. It is a very detailed job that involves a lot of step by step process that make your head hurt. But I like it . I work in in office of 3 people total and my co worker doesn’t seem to like me very much. Over the past 2 weeks my partner has been very angry at me for going back to work. He throws in my face that dinner is never made and he has to wait until I get home to start cooking, on top of that I am no longer with my children who need me in there younger years. I am also not getting paid till the end of the month as I started work at the end of a pay period . so I have been “taking money” from him, for childcare and gas . On top of that my car started acting up earlier this week and is in the shop. So I am apparently dragging our family down from any spare money we could potentially have.

Tonight, my partner, after our children went to sleep came in the living room where I put our youngest to sleep to yell at me and tell me whats been bothering him the past two weeks. He has done this every night just about since I started working. But apparently this time of him yelling at me was different. I don’t see how , but alright. Over all, he threw a lot of stuff in my face about the dishes not being done, the financial burden I had been putting on him and our children. That there is no benefits to me working right now that helps him. That I only did this because of him messaging and doing things he was not supposed to do with other women. Stating that I am throwing a fit. He also let me know if I do not quit my job then he does not see a future with us together. That he wants someone who will shut up and listen to what he wants them to do. So AITA?

My husband and I are currently renting an all inclusive apartment from a private landlord, previously we were renting from a corporation and had no issues.

This past month my husband suddenly started taking showers all of the time. He wakes up and has a shower, has a shower when the baby and I wake up, showers after breakfast, again before we leave the apartment, showers again after we get back to the apartment and will take more showers throughout the night until he goes to bed. Before this month his usual showering was only 2-4 times a day depending on our activities or the weather.

The showering is constant, and I feel like I'm constantly waiting for him to finish showering before we can do anything, like he will shower before we watch a movie even though the snacks and everything ready. When his mom and sister came to visit he showered before they arrived and 20 minutes after they arrived and again after they left. I'm starting to think it might be a medical issue he's not talking about but I don't know because he also won't admit the showering is excessive. I also often get left with the baby all day because he's constantly going in and out of the shower.

The landlord contacted us recently asking us about the usage and why it suddenly tripled. My husband started looking around for leaks and the landlord even hired a plumber to look at the apartment to make sure nothing has been leaking. I mentioned to my husband it's most likely his constant showering that's causing the increase but he's refusing to believe me and is saying there is no way it's him that's causing the issue.

They have now turned our water off to make sure the tank is emptying properly. I feel like this is all such a waste of time. My husband has also suddenly stopped his constant showering since I mentioned it's probably him and I'm just waiting for the landlord to let us know the usage suddenly went down.

I just wanted to vent, this situation is so weird and crazy.

AITA for being upset at my mom for wanting all the luxuries of having a room in my house but doesn't help around.

For context my husband and I (27 & 25) just bought our home in Texas. We have a 3 yr old boy and used to live in Vegas. My mom (58) had a daybed and storage space my sons TINY closet in our old apartment. She always told me when we get a house she'd either keep her stuff with us or move it where she'll eventually get a home of her own. My issue with that is what if one day we chose to have another child and she will no longer have a room in my home.

Now that we have a house she moved all her stuff into our (for now) spare room and even bought herself a TV to which she only bought after I denied having her move in a 55 inch tv i had in my room so I could get the living room TV I had just bought specifically for the living room, leaving me with having to buy yet another TV. In the end we had a huge discussion of why I don't want TVs in the rooms (at least not HUGE ones). So she buys herself a 45 inch and she gets super upset that I didn't do what she says🤦🏻‍♀️.

Along with this she wanted all the subscriptions I had of which most are under my husbands family and we can't just add them because we don't pay for more screens. When I tell her that she says she (likes to live a good life) aka live in all the luxury she can take advantage of and yes i confirmed this by asking her just that and she agreed.

She also kept complaining about my living room being set up "weird" and not appealing in her eye after seeing it via video call in mexico (since she was taking care of my grandpa). When she gets here we rearrange it (move couches, tv stand and tv mount from one wall to another leaving holes we had to patch up) because now she says it's not as "open". I guess I'm just always taking into consideration her opinion and maybe I shouldn't but now I'm in debt. I bought a tv, I had to set up my home for her to have things in the guest bathroom, setup a camera in front of our home since she kept complaining we need to get one.

Another topic she never watches my son as she ironically told everyone in the family she would when she moved out here with us. She's usually just mindlessly scrolling on her phone and only occasionally yelling loudly to me that my son did something after hes messed with something (like all unsupervised toddlers do). I don't know, it just stresses me out and irritates me especially since I work from home. I try sending her on errands so she keeps busy but once she's back it goes back to the same routine.

After I get off work (usually when I'm the most tired) she just closes herself off watching endless series of shows and enjoys her time as if she did a whole days worth of work.

As far as work she just says she'll work in an agency and take off whenever she wants to visit my brothers I have one in Idaho and the other in Oregon. She also says she'll want to keep visiting my grandpa in mexico (which I completely agree to since he doesn't really have anyone to help him around). I don't get it she doesn't have a retirement goal. My older brother who is retired Marine states he can take her in with his wife but my mom is opposed to it since she doesn't want to bother them.

Usually when Ive had enough of her stressing me with endless opinions and self resolving questions I just explode and usually respond in a attitude because it gets too be too much. Usually after she'll proceed by saying I'm mean to her and states "we aren't compatible" (as mother and daughter I don't get how yo I could say that to your daughter). She occasionally leaves to another one of my siblings or my grandpa in mexico when she "can't take how I treat her".

To preface, my mom and I have a good relationship. Recently, my spouse of 13 years and I had a baby girl. My mom was there for the birth (waited outside the hospital room) and has visited a few times to help around the house and with the baby. Ive really appreciated how much shes helped and how much she loves my daughter. She lives a 4-hour flight away. She has also respected our boundaries, turning off her iPad when we let her know we dont want our kid watching anything an iPad, for example.

11 years ago, my mom got remarried to a man - let's call him Dan, for anonymity. Unlike her past husbands, I had no issues with Dan. He seemed a bit weird, but in a obviously-undiagnosed-ADHD kind of way. He has his own company, makes a shit load of money, but has been a kind and generous person. He let me and my spouse borrow a 40k down-payment for our first house, so without him, we wouldnt have a house to raise our child in. We do pay him back in small monthly installments, interest free ofc. But hes been very easy going, letting us pause payments whenever one of us gets laid off from work for a bit.

Overall came across as a nice guy who longed for a big family and I was prepared to call him grandpa for my child.

Before Christmas, my mom visited and told me that she had just discovered that he had been cheating on her with high-end sex workers their entire marriage.

During a night where he had too much to drink and they got in a fight, he threw her iPad and broke it. In the morning, my mom had a planned trip with a friend to Florida so as a peace offering he let her borrow his iPad for the trip.

Needless to say, she started uncovering evidence of years of infidelity on his iPad.

They started couples counseling because he was very sorry and they both wanted to "make it work". So alas, he was still invited to our house for Christmas because me and my spouse (AND my brother) were not supposed to know about any of this. I held my tongue around him, even when my mom called him grandpa in front of my child. I talked to my mom later about it, asking her not to call him grandpa and she agreed. We put up with his presence for a few days and it was a little awkward but I enjoyed my time with everyone else.

Then we planned a flight to her house for later this year for my child's 1st birthday - we'd invite my cousins and their kids and get my girl swimming lessons. I miss my extended family so i was really looking forward to this. My spouse and I were both willing to put up with Dan being around as well as keep quiet about what we knew, as long as my child is never left alone with him (not that I ever thought hed do anything bad, but uncomfortable is uncomfortable).

However.

We are a few weeks away from the trip. My mom is visited for a few days to help around the house. She was even more upset than usual - apparently,  no only has he continued to cheat, paying for sex, he has also become angry and violent whenever my mom calls him out on it. He has punched her. Even worse, due to a prenup, if she initiates a divorce, she will get next to nothing even though he had made her sell her house so they could buy their house together. Also, we are still not supposed to know.

My spouse says that now its different,  and we will not stay at their house as long as Dan is there. My mom had gotten him to plan a trip during that time, so it seemed like it will be fine, but yesterday he decided he actually wanted to be around for the 1st birthday party.

My spouse said we should get an Airbnb, because they know how much seeing my family means to me (and having my child meet everyone). But my mom kept saying we should just come stay and that he wont do anything... but i put my foot down and explained what my spouse and I talked about. She finally relented. Then my mom and i tried to figure out last minute logistics for an airbnb with an infant, and it has been really difficult to say the least because of the remote area she lives in.

Im now considering just canceling the whole trip, even though it hurts.

Even though I know we would never let my baby be hurt and that because we are not suppose to know, he will most likely behave like he did over Christmas, my spouse absolutely refuses to let Dan and our baby ever be in the same house ever again.

I know my spouse is right that even a 1% chance hed get violent around us is too much... and we should not, as parents, be walking our baby into a situation we cannot control like that. And I feel bad that I ever considered staying at that house and bringing my baby, because I wanted to see my family so badly. But as I said, my spouse is right and I respect how much they care about protecting our daughter in this way. I couldnt have picked a better partner to have a baby with, honestly.

WIBTA if I canceled the trip, which will mean my mom wont get to see her granddaughter on her 1st birthday? (she will lose her deposits for food and pool lifegaurd, and i will have to tell all my cousins that our kids wont be meeting just yet).

Long post but there's a lot on context here for this to make sense, I'll try to shorten as much as possible

For privacy I will use nicknames for everyone. At this time is was just me, my Assistant Manager (We'll call him A), two other reps (We'll call them B & C), and then a brand new hire (We'll call her D). I was working with C, and D was still doing her virtual new hire training (It was her fifth day on the job). About 20 minutes after I left for lunch I got a call from D. When I answered it was a police officer informing me that C was unresponsive, paramedics were still working on him, and they needed his emergency contact information. My husband was with me at the time and we immediately headed back to the store (I only lived about 3 minutes away) I didn't have access to my employees emergency contacts, so I called my District Manager on the way back to the store to let him know what was going on and asked how I get the information. He said he would look for it and call me back. When we pulled up to the store C was being loaded into the ambulance but they weren't in a hurry and no one was working on him so I felt relieved and thought he must have just passed out. I was wrong. The store was full of police officers and firefighters, several of them were leaving as we walked in. I asked the first officer I saw if C was ok and he said no, he is still unresponsive. At that moment I knew, he was gone. If he was still unresponsive but they stopped CPR then obviously he was gone and either couldn't pronounce it until it was confirmed by a doctor or they just didn't want to say anything official until his family had been notified first.

Poor D was sitting in the corner of the store bawling and was clearly traumatized and not ok. She had a friend that was close by that had come to help console her until her Mom got there to take her home. I was able to get the story from the officers of what happened. Literally minutes after I left, C collapsed (Found out later it was a heart attack) and when D came through the door to the front of the store she found his body and called 911. She was unable to roll him over to do CPR and just had to wait for the ambulance to get there. This poor girl was 19 and it was her fifth day on the job.

My boss finally called back and said that we didn't have any emergency contact information on file for C and explained to my boss what all happened and told him its bad, that I'm pretty sure he's gone. I then explained that the police were asking for my help to track down his family and I needed to go. He just asked me to keep him updated. So me, my husband, and the officers who stayed started searching for any of his family or friends. I was calling other stores that he had worked at and employees I knew he was close with (He was a very well liked employee and had a ton of friends within the company), and my husband and the police were searching through his social media accounts to try to get in contact with someone. An officer was also in route to the address on his ID.

After an hour or so my husband was able to get in contact with a family member on facebook and the police were able to get in contact with his family. (My husband stopped by the store often in his free time and had become friends with all of my employees including C, we were all pretty close as it was a very small store and small group of workers, which is why he had come with me to help in case anyone was wondering) While we were doing this me and my husband both were going back and forth to check on my new hire and console her as she was not handling this well. My boss started calling and texting me wanting to know how much longer it would be until I opened the store back up. I had obviously closed the store down during all of this and the company was not happy about that. For context, they had a very strict policy that for safety we cannot open the store unless 2 employees are present. So since D was clearly going to be leaving, I couldn't reopen the store. I didn't give a shit about the store and I was just trying to keep my shit together while trying to help D and track down C's family, but my boss kept calling.

This is a brief summation of how the calls went:

"Do you think she will calm down enough to finish her shift?" Me- No, she is freaking out right now. "Well give her some time and she will calm down, we have to get the store open"

"So how is D doing, do you think shes ready to finish her shift?" Me- No, she is still crying and shes not ok. "Well just keep trying to calm her down so we can open"

"So how is it going?" me- She is not going to finish her shift, she is traumatized "Just try to talk her into staying, its only a few hours. Whatever you have to do, we HAVE to get the store open"

"If she isn't going to be willing to stay then you need to make A or B come in, we cannot leave the store closed." me- A is on paternity leave "Well in this situation he needs to be a team player and help his manager out so call him and see if he will come in"

While we were all still looking for C's family my boss called me to happily inform me that he had watched the video footage of the incident. He actually said roughly "Good news, I looked at the camera footage and C fell straight down, he didn't hit his head or anything so there's no liability on the company. So thats good!" He said this in a chipper tone that really pissed me off, no compassion, empathy, nothing.

Eventually D's Mom took her home, the police left, and I was just sitting there because I wasn't allowed to leave. Through all of this my boss just kept hounding me about getting the store open because I can't just close it down, over and over. He was angry that D wouldn't stay, he got really angry when A & B refused to come in and work (Like of course they would, I just called and basically told them their friend just passed away but you'll come in to work right? Idiotic.) and then he told me that his boss was now involved and not happy and that I absolutely HAD to reopen the store, so he made me start calling other stores to try to get help. No one was willing to come in of course, but they wouldn't let me leave the store. Not once had my boss shown any sympathy or anything about the situation, he was only concerned with getting the store open and making sales. I kept asking to leave because I wanted to go to the hospital, but they kept saying no.

Finally after 4 hours or so my boss let me leave but he was not happy about it. We drove straight to the hospital and found out that he was gone, and it was a heart attack. While I was there my boss shockingly showed up, but it was awkward. He offered his condolences to the family, told me he found someone to work with me tomorrow and they were "generous" enough to let me open the store 2 hours later than normal the next day, and left. He was there maybe 5 minutes.

They held a short conference call the next morning with the whole district announcing C passed, sent out a company wide email, and that was all they did. My boss did randomly show up to the store the next day to drop off some cheap ass walmart cupcakes and cookies and then promptly left.

It was a shit show after that. I was EXTREMELY shorthanded at that point and really needed help. I wasn't allowed to let anyone have overtime, so since I was salaried I had to work all the extra hours. The day after the incident my boss told me "Don't worry about staffing, you just tell me what days you need help and I will make it happen. Don't stress about it." He never helped me. D came back to work for a couple days and then quit, she called me crying saying it was just to hard to keep working there where it all happened, which I completely understood. When I told my boss his response was "She just quit like that with no notice?? Well she's going on the do not rehire list" and then hung up. So at that point I was screwed. I called other stores literally begging for help, offering to pay for gas, buy them lunch, even offering $50+ dollars on top of that, whatever it took to get some help so I could have a day off, but no one would help. One other Store Manager worked for me 2-3 times but that was all he could spare. No one else would even try, they just told me no. I was working every single day open to close, which was 11-13 hours per day, and I was working 10-12 days straight at a time. I did reach out to my boss for help, and the first time he said he'd see what he could do but never got back to me. When I reached out again he said he was still working on it and again never got back to me. Then after that he stopped answering my calls and texts. Now with this job we are in constant communication through text and Group Me chats updating sales. He would respond to my messages about sales and other things, but he would ignore me when I asked for help with staffing. He knew the hours I was working and still ignored me. So I just gave up and stopped asking. After a couple months I finally got a few new people hired and once they were trained I was able to go back to my normal hours.

During that time A & B were also working more hours and witnessed how I was treated by the company after all this and all 3 of us got chewed out for our sales being down the month after C passed. We were accused of using that as an "excuse" for underperformance. Both A & B quit because of how poorly we were all treated. They both also made it clear why quit, and that they only stayed as long as they did out of respect for me to make sure the new people were fully trained and wouldn't leave me in a bad position.

I later found out I was pregnant and day before I went on maternity leave my boss put me directly on a final write up for my "Turnover Rate". (I have never been written up before) He told me, and I quote, "Your turnover rate is worst that I have ever seen in my entire career in this industry. This is a reflection of your poor leadership skills." And then went on to explain more on how I was a bad manager and that I would be on a performance plan when I came back from maternity leave and could be terminated if I had another issue. I did have to fire one employee, but other than that, every single person that had left my store quit because of C's passing. And he knew that. He just wanted me gone and was trying his best to get me fired or force me out. I was caught so off guard by this that I didn't really say much. I just went quiet, responded when I had to, and got off the call. My husband was livid and wanted me to quit right there, but I wanted the 6 weeks of pay so I didn't do anything. I went on maternity leave the next day and found another job.

When I quit I sent my boss and HR a very nasty email explaining how awful I was treated and why I quit, which he never responded to of course. But my husband had heard of this website where you can pay to have literal shit delivered anonymously to someone's address. They have all kinds of options of poop from different species, different combinations, and you can even add glitter bombs. It is sent completely anonymous with no return address and comes with a card that says "You've been pooped on, want to know by whom? Turn over" and the back says "We'll never tell" My boss made the mistake of hosting our Christmas party the previous year at his house, so I had his address. We chose a combination of Gorilla and Elephant poop and had it sent to his house in the middle of a severe heat wave. I only wish I could have been there to see his face when he opened it.

So AITA and overreacted or was this fair?