AITA for appreciating and caring my father but i don't like him as a person?
i am an only child of relatively older parents, and i've been excelling in academics ever since elementary. i'm in my third year of high school now, where my parents told me to take an entrance exam at a prestigious science high school, even though i didn't want to. but i did it for my parents. i got in, and the first year was terrible for me because it was my adjustment phase since we had advanced classes.
i remember crying over math because my teacher wasn't able to teach it well, and i had to study on my own. at the same time, i had different major exams coming up and multiple projects with the same deadlines. i was overwhelmed and honestly didn't know what else i could do. my father saw me crying and got mad. he yelled at me just for crying over math and screamed, "THAT'S NOTHING TO BE CRYING ABOUT!" my mother gently told him that i was just overwhelmed, but he didn't take it well. instead, he accused me and my mom of ganging up on him and making him out to be the bad guy. we weren't, never did.
my mom has always had a fawn response to my dad. my dad isn't always like this. he does fulfill his responsibilities as a father financially and does things for me, and i know he wants me to have a better future. but whenever something emotional happens, he starts yelling, accusing, and sometimes even throwing things. when i was younger, it was much worse. i remember being 8 years old and hearing him scream at my mother and slam the door. i remember coming home in 8th grade to our entire house filled with shattered things because my dad and mom had a misunderstanding.
i think what hurts the most is that i've grown so accustomed to it that sometimes i don't even realize how scary it is anymore. this behavior has been normalized in my household for so long that i've learned to stay quiet, keep my emotions to myself, and avoid doing anything that might make someone angry. i know i don't like yelling or anger, but lately, it's been happening more and more, and i can feel myself becoming more afraid of it.
i can't even ask for help. we don't have enough money for therapy or anything like that, and my aunties defend my father and justify his behavior while blaming my mother. they don't acknowledge that maybe my dad has anger issues too. maybe they don't see what i see, or maybe they've just gotten used to it as well.
my father has even told me that he feels like a bad parent whenever he sees me because i'm his child and, apparently, i'm a bad child by his definitions. just a day ago, i was completely exhausted from all my schoolwork and i kind of sassed him. he cornered me and asked, "do you even see me as a parent? you're so disrespectful." he yelled at me and accused me of seeing him as a bad person.
and now, even though i'm taking online classes, he's accusing me of not talking to him because i'm angry at him. at this point, i don't even know what i'm supposed to say. i know i'm not the perfect child. i know i make mistakes, get irritated, and sometimes say things i shouldn't. but idk i've always been walking eggshells around him and even if i hate to say it, i feel much better when he's not around.
i know he loves me. i know he works hard for me. i know he wants me to have a better future. and maybe that's why this is so difficult to understand. because someone can love you and still scare you. someone can provide for you and still hurt you emotionally. someone can want the best for you and still make you afraid to show how you're feeling.
i don't think i've ever wanted to become like him. if anything, i've become the opposite. i hate being angry. i hate yelling. i hate seeing people get scared because of someone's anger. so i just keep my emotions to myself, or at least i try to. i don't know if i've actually gotten used to his behavior, or if i've just gotten used to being afraid of it. i might be overreacting, but i'm conflicted. i feel guilty for feeling this way, even.