How can I get my partner back on his feet?
I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for 4 years and I am thousands of pounds in debt trying to support him.
Some context about my boyfriend: He has had a lot of struggles with his mental health, much of it stemming from long term abuse as a child. Since we’ve been together he started to talk about what happened and has been processing this trauma. He has also been addicted to weed since long before I knew him and while I can see it deffo helps when he’s in crisis mode, he can’t go a day; let alone a few hrs without smoking. He’s struggled to maintain a job, in the first few years of us dating he had a pattern of working somewhere for around 3 months, then suddenly he’ll decide he hates it and can’t go back and will just not turn up again. Then he’s unemployed again until the next time, with no reference and out of money. After his last turn at that, I suggested he commit to taking the time out of work and instead do therapy and work through everything, which may help him regulate his emotions and make holding a job easier (at the time he was living with his family, I rented with my friend). I have been financially supporting him prior to this and since, I work a good job so I am able to support both of us, as long as we’re both smart with money. It’s now been almost 2 years since his last job and he’s struggling to get back into work.
We recently moved into a house (I bought it, mortgage is in my name), I pay all the bills etc. He gets money from the gov, along with pip to help him along. Some of which goes to getting things like food for the dog and bits for the house. We agreed that he’d do work on the house as his main contribution and so eventually we can slip it. But we can’t afford to do any work on the house because he keeps gambling away all the extra money. Last night he woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep so gambled the £200 left we had for doing the work on the house / buying food to live on.
I work full time, I am also the main cook and cleaner of the house (which makes me feel like I’m letting down feminism lmao).
Talking about money with him always results in him shutting down. When he told me about the gambling before this most recent time it was £300 (we’d put aside for the house) and he said how stupid he was etc. This time he admitted it and I suggested he deactivate all gambling accounts, remove the apps and unsubscribe from the emails so nothing prompts him. He said “yeah”. I said I could help if he needed. He said nothing so I clarified that I understood it can be hard removing something your addicted to so I am happy to support if he needs. He snapped at me for telling him what to do multiple times when he’s already agreed. He’s now left the room, I doubt anything will be deleted.
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve had to sign up to uber eats delivery driving to try and make extra money because we are in lots of debt. I used to add up how much I’d given to him in the first two years but I gave up, the ballpark is around £10,000 over the last 4 years. I know he is applying for work and that its hard for anyone atm to get a job, let alone with such a gappy CV.
It’s hard because i know the trauma he’s trying to work through and I see the dynamic with his family, especially his parents, which has just taught him such bad communication skills and defensive behaviour.
I’m at the point where I’m screaming inside “JUST DO SOMETHING!!”. Do the delivery driving, work at a shop, mop at a hospital. Stop wasting any bit of money we get. I’m now taking on a full time job, part time job as well as being primary carer to him and the house. He has stopped going to therapy now and so I am again his only outlet (he doesn’t have friends).
I’m exhausted, I don’t think having a go at him will benefit anything. I am trying to find the right way to talk about this stuff that doesn’t make him shut down or cry from guilt. I keep saying that a change in behaviour means everything, and I’m not angry at him. I’m just really tired of the situation. I can’t talk to my friends and family because they already know that he doesn’t work and I pay for everything and question why he can’t work, I don’t want to add to that narrative that he’s a freeloader because he’s not. I appreciate this doesn’t paint him in the best light, but he is genuinely an incredible kind and smart person, he’s just lost his confidence, lost his way and is still processing his trauma.
Any suggestions for how I can support him to get back on his feet in a long term way?