u/PocketFullofEyes

original post

Thanks to everyone for empathizing with my mom's situation. Abusive partners are hard to leave and despite how strong willed my mom is, she is no exception. Shes been in couples counseling for months trying to save her marriage because she really loved this man, but now with more recent infidelity, her anger and hate over his betrayal is now finally outweighing any love she had for him. She is hurting a lot but also KNOWS she will be happier without him eventually.

To anyone insinuating shes staying for the money: it is more complicated than that. She is still going through with the divorce but she will be mediating instead of going scorched earth. This is because the prenup will trump the infidelity. He will get the house regardless and she is just trying not to be homeless.

Now for the update:

My mom was able to get dan out of the hiuse for our visit without giving away that we know. My fear was that hed find out and get angry and violent. But apparently they have been arguing a lot lately because every time my mom stands up for herself, he gets defensive. This man just wants his lifestyle - both wife and paid sex life on the side - with no consequences or questions.

My mom told him "we have been fighting a lot and i dont think youll be able to hold it together while [me, my spouse and child] are here, and when we fight in front of them, they will know. If you dont want them to know, you need to leave." It worked.

We had a wonderful time visiting my mom. My cousins and their kids came over for my daughter's birthday. Honestly, it was the best outcome I could've hoped for.

Best of all, which i didnt mention in my original post, was that i got to visit my grandfather. He had fallen and hit his head recently and has been in hospital since. He has a brain bleed that, while not getting any worse, is not improving just yet. It makes it hard for his to eat and talk. I was afraid that cancelling meant not getting to see him for the last time. He's 87, so you never know when its the last time. I got to go see him and bring his great grand daughter to see him. He was so happy, reaching out and patting my hand and holding my childs hand. As of right now hes still very much alive and the doctors think hes improved enough soon to move to a rehab in a few days.

As for my mom, shes going to come stay with us for a few weeks while she figures out how to proceed with the divorce with her attorney.

I will update again when I know more or when the divorce proceeds further.

I'd like to give a bit of background on my mom. She's 63. She was married to my dad for 12-13 years. Got divorced when I was about 10 or 11. When my mom brought up the subject, asking me how id feel if she and dad got a divorce, I honestly felt happy. I told her to do what makes her happiest. Can you imagine being an 11 year old and being happy that your parents are divorcing? My dad was financially and emotionally abusive to all of us. My mom had a meager allowance he provided her, but once I hit middle school, she wanted her own income. She went back to grad school to become a pastry chef. He didnt want to pay for her schooling, saying it was a waste of money. She went anyway and it created an irreparable rift, leading to divorce. For all of my high school she was a single mom with her own catering business, taking care of me and my younger brother (who has tourettes and a learning disability and needed to be homeschooled). My dad did shit all to raise us and honestly I cant imagine crying at all at his funeral. My mom fought hard during the divorce because if it was up to my dad he wouldve left her with absolutely nothing. She is a tough and generous woman. When she was making her own money, she had no issues helping others who were struggling. I am lucky to have her. Our family was small at Christmas time (just me, her and my brother when I was in high school ans college), but we enjoyed each other's company and did not ever miss my father being there.

I honestly though Dan was good for her. He treated her well, they went out and did things together and had fun and were living life. It was only when he was discovered that he became angry and defensive and violent. He just turned on a dime. You think you know someone...

To preface, my mom and I have a good relationship. Recently, my spouse of 13 years and I had a baby girl. My mom was there for the birth (waited outside the hospital room) and has visited a few times to help around the house and with the baby. Ive really appreciated how much shes helped and how much she loves my daughter. She lives a 4-hour flight away. She has also respected our boundaries, turning off her iPad when we let her know we dont want our kid watching anything an iPad, for example.

11 years ago, my mom got remarried to a man - let's call him Dan, for anonymity. Unlike her past husbands, I had no issues with Dan. He seemed a bit weird, but in a obviously-undiagnosed-ADHD kind of way. He has his own company, makes a shit load of money, but has been a kind and generous person. He let me and my spouse borrow a 40k down-payment for our first house, so without him, we wouldnt have a house to raise our child in. We do pay him back in small monthly installments, interest free ofc. But hes been very easy going, letting us pause payments whenever one of us gets laid off from work for a bit.

Overall came across as a nice guy who longed for a big family and I was prepared to call him grandpa for my child.

Before Christmas, my mom visited and told me that she had just discovered that he had been cheating on her with high-end sex workers their entire marriage.

During a night where he had too much to drink and they got in a fight, he threw her iPad and broke it. In the morning, my mom had a planned trip with a friend to Florida so as a peace offering he let her borrow his iPad for the trip.

Needless to say, she started uncovering evidence of years of infidelity on his iPad.

They started couples counseling because he was very sorry and they both wanted to "make it work". So alas, he was still invited to our house for Christmas because me and my spouse (AND my brother) were not supposed to know about any of this. I held my tongue around him, even when my mom called him grandpa in front of my child. I talked to my mom later about it, asking her not to call him grandpa and she agreed. We put up with his presence for a few days and it was a little awkward but I enjoyed my time with everyone else.

Then we planned a flight to her house for later this year for my child's 1st birthday - we'd invite my cousins and their kids and get my girl swimming lessons. I miss my extended family so i was really looking forward to this. My spouse and I were both willing to put up with Dan being around as well as keep quiet about what we knew, as long as my child is never left alone with him (not that I ever thought hed do anything bad, but uncomfortable is uncomfortable).

However.

We are a few weeks away from the trip. My mom is visited for a few days to help around the house. She was even more upset than usual - apparently,  no only has he continued to cheat, paying for sex, he has also become angry and violent whenever my mom calls him out on it. He has punched her. Even worse, due to a prenup, if she initiates a divorce, she will get next to nothing even though he had made her sell her house so they could buy their house together. Also, we are still not supposed to know.

My spouse says that now its different,  and we will not stay at their house as long as Dan is there. My mom had gotten him to plan a trip during that time, so it seemed like it will be fine, but yesterday he decided he actually wanted to be around for the 1st birthday party.

My spouse said we should get an Airbnb, because they know how much seeing my family means to me (and having my child meet everyone). But my mom kept saying we should just come stay and that he wont do anything... but i put my foot down and explained what my spouse and I talked about. She finally relented. Then my mom and i tried to figure out last minute logistics for an airbnb with an infant, and it has been really difficult to say the least because of the remote area she lives in.

Im now considering just canceling the whole trip, even though it hurts.

Even though I know we would never let my baby be hurt and that because we are not suppose to know, he will most likely behave like he did over Christmas, my spouse absolutely refuses to let Dan and our baby ever be in the same house ever again.

I know my spouse is right that even a 1% chance hed get violent around us is too much... and we should not, as parents, be walking our baby into a situation we cannot control like that. And I feel bad that I ever considered staying at that house and bringing my baby, because I wanted to see my family so badly. But as I said, my spouse is right and I respect how much they care about protecting our daughter in this way. I couldnt have picked a better partner to have a baby with, honestly.

WIBTA if I canceled the trip, which will mean my mom wont get to see her granddaughter on her 1st birthday? (she will lose her deposits for food and pool lifegaurd, and i will have to tell all my cousins that our kids wont be meeting just yet).