u/Lazy_Guest_5942

My husband (28) and I (31) went to a dance class on Saturday night. It was our first time there, and as first-timers we each received a token for one free drink after class. Earlier that evening, my husband told me he didn’t even want the free drink but whatever since he already gave them his information.

The class went great. Afterward, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw him standing at the bar. I asked what he was getting, and he said he wasn’t getting anything, he was giving his free drink token to a woman standing next to him. He then told the bartender to let her have whatever drink she wanted using the token.

My mood immediately changed, and I was bothered by it and went cold for the next 24 hours.

When I finally brought it up, he explained what happened. According to him, the instructor announced that the drinks were on him (instructor) at the end of the night and a guy at the bar asked my husband to confirm with the bartender that indeed a free drink was offered. Since we were leaving, my husband asked the guy nearby if he wanted the token. The guy said he had already used his own but pointed out that there was a woman who didn’t have one and said she should get it instead. My husband said okay. He also said the bartender told him he couldn’t simply hand over the token, so he had to stay there and redeem it.

I asked why he felt the need to play “Captain Save-the-day. I also asked, “What if I wanted the extra drink?” He said he knew I didn’t want another drink, but if I had wanted one, he would’ve happily bought me one himself.

He insists he never asked the woman her name, never flirted with her, and had no conversation beyond giving her the token. He says he was just trying not to let a free drink go to waste.

From my perspective, though, it rubbed me the wrong way that instead of just letting the token expire or throwing it away, he went out of his way to make sure another woman benefited from it. It wasn’t really about the value of the drink, it was the gesture that bothered me. I even told him he could’ve given it to her and just go about his business and the claimed that would’ve still been a problem if I asked what he got and he told me that he gave it to a woman.

My husband has been very calm about the situation and seemed unbothered.

So, AITA for being upset about this, or did I overreact?

My wife (38F) and I (36M) have been together for 5 years, married for 1.

Early in our relationship, she was an open book. She’d share almost every detail of her life—stories about her friends, male friends, or guys who tried to hit on her. Looking back, I didn’t always react well. Even when a story was completely innocent from her perspective, I’d highlight things that didn’t sit well with me. We’d often argue over these issues, with her trying to explain that it was harmless and struggling to see my side.

Over time, her sharing habits shifted. Now, when she goes out, her descriptions sound almost robotic—she'll say things like "it was a good event" or "heard different genres of music." She selects what she tells me, claiming that if something isn't a big deal or didn't have a major positive impact, it's just not top of mind for her to talk about. She still opens up about work or her family, but keeps her personal social life very surface-level.

Meanwhile, I share everything about my day with her, send her updates and photos while I'm out, and try to model the exact level of openness I’d like from her. When I share, she listens well, doesn't make a fuss, and we have great conversations.

When I asked why I don't get the same in return, she told me the difference is that she listens to my stories without making a fuss over minor details, whereas she feels I’m always waiting to poke holes or find inconsistencies in hers. She admitted she keeps her descriptions minimal now to avoid unnecessary conflict and keep the peace.

I told her it’s not fair to hold back details to protect my feelings or avoid an argument, and that it’s up to me to process information after hearing it. But she feels like she's walking on eggshells, while I feel like she’s creating distance and not being as open with me as I am with her.

I don’t think she’s cheating or being secretive—I just want us to be aligned, and I don't understand why she can't just share openly instead of pulling back.

Looking for perspective here: Is it reasonable to expect full openness from her despite our past arguments, or am I missing something about how my reactions impacted her? How can we resolve this mismatch in communication?

TL;DR: Early in our marriage, I often criticized or poked holes in the stories my wife shared about her social life. Now, she gives me minimal, almost robotic summaries of her outings to avoid conflict, while I still share everything with her. I feel she's shutting me out, but she feels like she's walking on eggshells. Looking for perspective on who is in the wrong and how to fix this communication gap.

My wife says I don’t express myself enough, but I feel like I’ve learned to filter myself around her

At the beginning of my (29) relationship with my now wife (32), I was probably too open about random things because I genuinely looked at her like my best friend. I’d tell her things without really thinking about how they might affect her. Nothing crazy or inappropriate. For example, I might mention that a female friend randomly messaged me saying she used to like me, while also telling her I ignored it. I’d tell her random stories about meeting a group of girls at an airport on a trip, or explain that when I go out with my boys we don’t necessarily stay together the whole time because everyone i may not feel like moving at their slow pace or engaging in the same social activities. To me these were just random stories I’d tell someone I’m close to. Eventually I realized that a lot of these things made her anxious, so I started filtering myself more. Not because I’m hiding anything inappropriate, but because I learned that sometimes a completely insignificant detail can turn into a whole thing.

One example is I told her I was going to a game with Bob. When I got there, Bob ended up hanging out in a suite with some other friends, so I spent most of my time with Dave. Later I was telling her about the night and mentioned hanging with Dave. She didn’t find out from somebody else, catch me lying, see a picture or anything like that. I literally told her. But somehow it still became an issue because she felt like I had withheld information about who I was going to be with. In my head I’m thinking, how did I withhold something when I told you the plan I knew beforehand, the situation changed, and then I told you what happened? Stuff like that is exactly why I’ve learned to filter myself. I think about whether a detail is even worth mentioning because I don’t know what’s going to become a problem.

The weird part is she constantly tells me I don’t express myself enough and wants me to be more emotional with her. I feel like I’m supposed to be open, but only in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable. And I’m naturally not a very emotional person anyway. I’m not going to talk about every little thing I notice, analyze every feeling I have, or let every little thing bother me. A lot of times something happens, I notice it, and I move on. That doesn’t mean I’m suppressing some deep emotion or refusing to communicate. Sometimes I genuinely just don’t care enough about something to keep thinking about it.

At this point I’m used to walking on eggshells and filtering what I tell her because I know how easily something can turn into a bigger conversation. But somehow she keeps asking for more openness, more expression, more details, more reassurance. That’s the part I don’t understand. You can’t constantly analyze what someone tells you, question why they said it a certain way or why they didn’t mention some random detail earlier, and then also wonder why that person stopped freely telling you everything that crosses their mind. I love my wife and I’m not saying she’s a bad person. I just genuinely feel like I’ve learned that being completely open with her can sometimes come with consequences, while at the same time I’m being told that I’m not open enough. I don’t really know how both things are supposed to work.

TL;DR: I used to be very open with my wife, but over time I started filtering what I say because small details often turn into big issues. Now she says I’m not expressive enough, but I feel like I can’t be fully open without it being questioned or causing problems.