Am I being delusional, or is this guy giving me wildly mixed signals? What do I do? I like this man so much... its bad.
I need outside perspective because I feel emotionally clear in some ways and completely confused in others.
I (21M) have developed feelings for a guy I’ll call jack. He has described himself in a way that basically aligns with being biromantic but not sexually attracted to men (he has explicitly told me he would absolutely date me emotionally/personality-wise, but doesn’t want to have sex with me and feels it would be unfair/wrong to pursue something knowing he can’t meet me there physically). We even went as far as confessing our attraction for each other and setting up a date. However, he canceled the day before out of fear of not being able to offer a sexual aspect in a relationship and it would feel unfair to him.
We went on a date and he was ultimately a dick and we didn’t talk for about a week and he ignored my existence at school. But then he reached out again over a month ago and now we are close.
That should be straightforward, but the actual dynamic between us feels much more emotionally complicated.
Some context:
- He has told me he recognizes how much I have to offer and that not being able to meet me where I’m at wouldn’t be fair.
- He has said I’m unlike most people he meets because I’m not shallow, I clearly care about my life, goals, and people, and he admires my drive/work ethic/responsibility.
- He told me he has never really had someone interested in him who has their life together in the way I do.
- He said in past relationships he always felt like he had to “fix” his partners, and that he doesn’t feel that way with me, which is part of why he likes me.
Behavior-wise:
- He randomly started DMing me and sending memes.
- Opened up about burnout, loneliness, and missing having someone to connect with.
- Invited me for drinks, then changed it into dinner at his house instead.
- We had deep vulnerable conversations about past romantic trauma and emotional connection.
- He seemed reluctant when I left.
- He later invited himself over to work on a project with me and initiated the goodbye hug (normally I had been the one doing that).
- Around friends he calls me nicknames like “pookie,” teases me, seeks little reasons to touch me, etc.
- He noticed/cared for my dog without me asking.
- He’s become more comfortable with friends knowing he likes me / joking about it.
- He says he wants to be pursued because he’s tired of always being the one initiating with people.
Complicating factors:
- He also directly told me I’m basically an idiot if I interpret attraction for him.
- He has explicitly said the sexual incompatibility makes it wrong to pursue something.
- When I flirt more directly, he sometimes lightly deflects instead of escalating.
- He asks me about girls he thinks about pursuing, I encourage him, and then he never actually pursues them.
Where I’m at:
I know I am developing real feelings.
I don’t think he’s using me maliciously. I think he genuinely likes me, values me, and may be emotionally attached. My current interpretation is that he enjoys the connection/validation and maybe wishes he could offer more, but genuinely doesn’t know if he can.
But I also know emotionally rich “almost” dynamics can be dangerous.
So my questions:
- Does this sound like someone emotionally attached but setting a real boundary?
- Does this sound like internal conflict / confusion on his part?
- Am I reading emotional intimacy as romantic potential because I want it to be true?
- If you’ve experienced split romantic vs sexual attraction, can emotional attachment deepen while the physical limitation remains unchanged?
- At what point does “meaningful connection” become self-harm if the mismatch remains?
I want honest perspectives, not just “he’s using you” unless you genuinely think that’s what’s happening.
*edited as people say it’s too long*