A Letter I Hope Never Finds You
This is a letter directed to my ex. I'm not sure where else to post it but I know I need someone to read it. I do not want advice. I do not want anything but someone willing to read my letter. I am simply posting this because I am still hurting nearly a year and a half later. So, here we go.
A Letter I Hope Never Finds You
I've never been sure how to put anything that I've thought into words. Not gracefully of course. But lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. And it's tearing me up apart just because of the fact of how am I supposed to live with myself, knowing the things I know while you're out there, living your life. Free of knowing what truly happened back than. And it sucks. And I don't think you're ever actually going to see this. I'm not putting this somewhere I will ever expect you to find.
We broke up over a year ago and there's not a day goes by that, I don't think about it. You know what's funny? I bet not a day goes by that you don't think of it, either. I can't stop thinking about it. We broke up because of what you said to me. And what you said to me, destroyed me utterly and completely.
Then, a year and a month after we broke up, I found out I'm infertile. While you get to have a baby with somebody else. Congratulations, by the way. I am actually extremely happy for you. That's the entire reason I broke up with you. Because I still love you and I know that having children is something you've always wanted. But your comment, what you said to me a month and a half before we actually broke up, you destroyed me in ways I never thought possible. You blamed it on me. My miscarriage. You blamed it on me. And it feels like it really was my fault. I know it wasn't because how can something I can't control be my fault?
I don't know what to do with these thoughts. These emotions. You were my best friend, you were the person I would turn to for everything. Now, I have other people and I am so very grateful for them but they are not the same. I wouldn't be where I am if you weren't in my life and I am so grateful to you. I will always be grateful for you but I'm also very bitter and I'm so angry. I hate that I am. I also hate that there's so much of me that still loves you and I hate that there is so much of that hates you.
There's so much hate that I hold in my heart that I can't seem to let go of even though I know I should. But I can't yet. Not right now at least. That is something I know, that I will eventually let go. I don't have it in my heart to hold onto that anger forever anymore. There will be somethings I will be bitter about forever though. Like the woman you got pregnant. That's not something I don't think I could ever let go of and I don't think any other woman in my shoes would be able to let that go either.
I hope she treats you well though. I hope you find in her what you were missing in me. And I know you already have because you have that little one on the way and I'm so happy you do.
I'm so thankful my choice, to hurt the both of us brought another life into this world. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for the life you have given me. I swear to you I'm not going to throw it away. Even though I'm infertile and being a mom is the only thing I've ever wanted to do. But I won't do that. And that's okay. I will be happy with my cats and myself.
Congratulations again. You deserve the best in life and I truthfully, with all my heart hope you get that. Even it's without me. Especially without me. Have the life we wanted. Please be happy.