Really struggling to care about recovery
It will be 4 years in November that I haven’t used my drug of choice. A big part of what got me sober was that I met a man, who actually became my fiancée. I guess he probably had a saviour complex, but I definitely needed saving.
He stood by me and I within a year I was no longer using. Weve been together 5 years, and it has not been without it’s challenges, but I really thought this was it. This February he had a psychotic episode that triggered an extreme BPD splitting episode. He went on a smear campaign against me; weaponized my history of addiction. told his conservative parents about it, they were awful to me. Two weeks prior they had been telling me how much they appreciated and loves me. he threatened to tell my mom if I didn’t tell her about my history of addiction. Threatened to call the cops on me and my landlord if I didn’t let him into my apartment ti get his stuff even though I had put his stuff in the stairwell and my roommates didnt want him inside. told me he would leave me if I didn’t stop hanging out with my best friend who ‘wronged him’. said he would try couples therapy and then changed his mind the next day. Did that twice. apologies followed By coldness.
I know that this isn’t really anyone’s fault but damn I am having a hard time not self destructing. feels like I am in withdrawal of him. I guess I am. I don’t know what I’m looking for here. reasons to not self destruct I guess.