Need advice: severe emotional outbursts from 9-year-old
Anonymous nanny post because I really need honest perspective from other caregivers.
I nanny a 9-year-old girl and when I started, her mom described her as “the easiest and nicest kid to nanny.” I’m experiencing something very different.
Any time I set even a small boundary or say no to something, it can turn into a massive emotional meltdown. For example, if I say no to taking her out for food or buying her something, she tells me she’s going to “fire me” and find a new nanny. She has scream-cried in her room for over an hour over boundaries while yelling that I’m evil, mean, and that she hates me (this is now normal).
She regularly calls me names, berates me, and becomes extremely emotionally escalated. She also frequently fights with neighborhood friends. During some tantrums she has hit me as well.
What makes this harder is that there seem to be very few rules or structure at home. She appears to have unlimited screen time, eats whatever she wants whenever she wants, and I haven’t seen many consistent boundaries or consequences from the parents. It feels like I’m expected to enforce structure that doesn’t already exist, which puts me in a really difficult position as the nanny.
I completely understand that kids can test boundaries with new caregivers and that emotional regulation struggles happen, but this feels way beyond typical adjustment behavior to me. I’m trying to stay calm, consistent, and supportive, but I’m honestly becoming emotionally exhausted and anxious going into work.
For experienced nannies/parents:
Is this something you would consider a serious behavioral issue?
How would you bring this up with parents without sounding accusatory?
Would you stay in a position where a child is verbally aggressive for long periods and occasionally physical?