Having friends hurts
Honestly it’s been an issue since middle school but it’s only gotten worse as time has gone by. I love my friends I mean absolutely love them but I’m incredibly insecure as well. The moment we stop talking I think they hate me. That’s why I talk to them so much because it reassures me that they don’t hate me. When one of them show attention to our other friends I get really jealous and worry that they matter more to them than I do. Sometimes that jealousy turns to hatred and I start imagining them as some sort of villain. I get extremely hurt by them too. So many things they do and say make me spiral and then I’m stuck pacing around my room scared and upset. I get so upset that I feel like we can’t be friends anymore. Sometimes I just cry. Thing is they aren’t even doing anything bad but I get so hurt over it. Angry at times. I try my best to let it go but I can’t. I also get obsessed and think about them a lot. I wanna be the most important person to all my friends. I don’t want them to hate me and I don’t want them to leave me. I keep overthinking every interaction. I don’t know how to deal with this at all. Even though I should be happy to have such great friends I feel my self worth lowering. I keep thinking they’d hate me if they knew what I was really like. Every day I wake up afraid that they’ll discover my past mistakes. I feel like I’m subhuman. I don’t know. I feel like without them I wouldn’t even be able to carry on. They are my motivation for everything and I’m so afraid they’ll leave me.