u/Inside_Pop_2142

I was forced to admit to thoughts and feelings I didn't have, as well as agreeing with opinions that aren't in anyway accurate about the reality of my life and who I am as a person. all because of my mentally challenged sisters need to protect and take care of me, as well as the other people who actively choose to enable her behavior. it just hurts me so much that i'm forced to live my life as some kinda lie, in such a way that fits how others perceive it to be instead of how it actually is in reality. due too my fear of my sister and her mind control. and yes, even if I did have the guts to put her down, it'd still be too late. since others now want to copy her behavior, thinking its helpful or something I choose put up with. when in reality, she just doesn't have a freaking concept of boundaries. and people actively choose to just ignore this or maybe they really don't care at all.

I didn't really have the right to dress myself freely until I got ugly. but by then, I felt ridiculous wearing the stuff I've always wanted too, since i felt like it was putting lipstick on a pig. I mean back then when the effects of the drugs first started taking place, I wasn't even that ugly to begin with. who knows, maybe I could've gotten away with dressing up a bit in the way that I wanted to. well, except for the fact that they'd put me back under extreme control yet a second time, hence I kept myself ugly. because at least this way, I could still have some choice over what I wear. and yes, even though its not what I would've preferred for myself, at least I have a goddamn choice now for once in my life. so I just choose to keep myself this way. that is until the drugs really started taking over and I actually lost my looks forever. as in for real this time. I don't know maybe this is shallow of me to be so upset over something as stupid and little as this. I mean I can be that way sometimes I guess. it is a problem I need to work on. whatever, thats the end of my little rant. as always, peace and much love.