u/InspectorOld7531

i’m 23 and almost 2 years out. all of my friends left me for one reason or another. my family has abandoned me. had to quit my job to move since i got kicked out and now i make 12 bucks an hour working at dunkin with a bunch of 16-18 year olds who think im lame and annoying, im sure. i’m literally the oldest person who works there. i feel so disconnected from the rest of the earth, from the rest of anyone else. i don’t know how my life ended up here, and i still have to live the rest of it. i feel like there’s no one on this earth who even sees me as a whole person. i don’t know how to explain it. i just fucking hate my life, i really do. i want my boy back and he’s gone and it’s not fair. why did my life go like this? i’m still angry and i don’t know how not to be. i don’t want to be angry, i don’t want to hurt this bad. i don’t want to hate my life, i wish my brain could stop. i just feel like i lost it all at once. and i’m so pissed. i miss him

after my boyfriend died in a car accident, my entire life fell out the bottom. my roommates (who i thought were my closest friends at the time) started treating me so badly that i moved out and back into my parent’s house. well, that ended after 5 months because of an argument i got into with my stepmother. she kicked me out and i had no other place to go. my boyfriend’s parents have really taken me in, almost as one of their own. they offered me a room in their house with no hesitation. (their other son had recently moved out with his fiancé right before my boyfriend passed, so they were empty nesters.)

sometimes i feel a lot of guilt about it. the fact that i live in his house. eat from plates he probably ate from as a child. cook in his kitchen and take showers in his bathroom. make new memories in HIS home that he can’t be there for. his parents are so wonderful to me. so generous and understanding. and i often feel like im taking something that isn’t mine, in a way. all of this love should be going to their son. i almost feel like an imposter. i don’t try to fill his shoes because i cant, i know they know that too, but it just makes my heart heavy. i wonder how my boyfriend would even react to me living in his house. being so close with his mom. how would he react?

walking past his urn everyday is hard. having him there everyday is good for my brain since before i moved i was an hour away, but it also feels like im screaming into a void. he’s so close, yet unreachable.