4 years, opposite schedules, and I finally see it clearly but leaving feels impossible
My boyfriend(M25) and I(F22) have been together for four years. He works nights and I do a regular 9-5, so the only time we genuinely have together is on weekends. I have made peace with that. What I have not been able to make peace with is what those weekends actually look like.
This morning I woke up early hoping to spend some quiet time with him before my day started. He was on his phone while I talked. I gently took his phone from his hand and asked for just five minutes of his attention. He put his head down and went quiet. No conversation, no effort, nothing.
That same morning I found out from our caretaker that rent had not been paid and the landlord was getting angry, while I had paid my half on time every single time. He had lied about it. When I brought it up calmly and said I just wanted to be kept in the loop, he exploded, started yelling, and said how much do you earn. I cried, wiped my tears, and left for work without another word.
Tonight I called hoping he would have something to say, an apology, an explanation, anything. The first call he talked about what to ask the cook to make for dinner. The second time I asked directly if he had anything else to say to me. He said no. The third call he turned everything around and said it was my fault for asking and that he is not in a good mood these days.
This is not new. A while ago he told me that he was loving and attentive in the beginning because he was chasing me, and that now that he knows I will not leave, there is no reason to keep trying. He said it casually, like it made perfect sense.
The thing is, I know nothing will change. I have known for a while. I know how every confrontation ends before it starts. I am not in love anymore, I am in a habit. I am in a city far from my friends, my name is not on the lease, and the idea of starting over alone is terrifying. So I stay. And I have been grieving this relationship quietly for longer than I would like to admit.
For those who have been here, how did you finally leave when every logical part of you knew it was time but you just could not make yourself do it?
Ready to post whenever you are. I hope the responses bring you some clarity.
TLDR: Been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He has become completely indifferent, lied about paying rent while I paid my half on time, yelled at me when I calmly asked to be kept in the loop, and once told me he stopped putting in effort because he knows I won’t leave. I know I need to go but I am alone in a new city with no support system and leaving feels impossible. How did you finally do it?