My (F) relationship with my younger sister has become unbearable, and I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mental peace at home.
I honestly don't even know where to begin because there's so much history behind this, and I feel like I need to explain the context for people to understand why something that might seem like a small argument has affected me so much.
I'm the elder sister, and my relationship with my younger sister has become incredibly difficult. I genuinely feel like she's one of the hardest people I've ever had to deal with.
She's someone who needs things her way, gets offended very easily, snaps at people, and struggles to accept criticism. Whenever I try to bring up something she's done that has hurt me, the conversation somehow turns into an argument about my behaviour, my attitude, or how disrespectful I'm being. Old arguments that we supposedly resolved get brought up again and again, and disagreements that should last a few minutes can turn into hours of fighting.
If I don't agree with her or give in, the argument just continues. Most of the time, I'm the one who ends up walking away or compromising because I'm exhausted and just want some peace.
Our relationship wasn't always this bad. I used to live in a hostel and would only come home occasionally, so maybe the distance made things easier. Currently, I'm back home waiting for my job onboarding to begin, and living together has made me realise just how difficult our relationship has become.
One thing that particularly hurts me is how one-sided our relationship feels.
I've helped her with college exam forms, payments, guidance, and decisions about colleges. When she wanted an honest review of a college, I personally searched for students on LinkedIn, contacted them, and asked about their experiences so she could make an informed decision.
I've done these things because she's my sister and I wanted to help her. I've never kept a record of my help or brought it up to make her feel indebted to me.
Whenever she benefits from something I've done, she's sweet, appreciative, and thankful. But whenever we have an argument, it feels like all of that disappears. Suddenly, I'm selfish, I have an attitude problem, and I don't deserve her respect. If I mention how much I've tried to help her, she dismisses it as the bare minimum.
I'm not saying she owes me anything for helping her. I just don't understand why someone can appreciate me when they need something from me but treat me so disrespectfully when we're having a disagreement.
She also uses the fact that I've graduated against me. Since I'm currently waiting for my onboarding, she says I have so much free time, as though I'm automatically available whenever she needs something. She doesn't seem to understand that I'm still working on my skills and preparing for my future. Yes, I take breaks and enjoy other things sometimes, but that doesn't mean my time is meaningless or that I'm obligated to do everything she wants.
Another thing she constantly accuses me of is being jealous of her.
I genuinely don't understand where this comes from. I'm not someone who constantly compares myself with other people or spends all my time criticising my appearance. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm generally comfortable being myself.
Yet she makes fun of my appearance and my face. When I told her that her comments were making me insecure and asked her to stop, she responded sarcastically with something along the lines of, "Aww, it triggered you? Sorry."
It was obvious she wasn't genuinely apologising. She was mocking me for being hurt.
The worst part is that she knows things about me that I don't share with everyone, and she uses them against me during arguments.
I've had periods in my life when I've felt like no matter how hard I work, something outside my control goes wrong. Opportunities seem to slip away even when I've done everything I possibly could. I've shared these feelings with her because I thought she would understand me or at least encourage me to keep going.
Instead, she has thrown those same experiences back in my face during arguments and told me that I deserve everything that's happening to me.
That really hurt because I trusted her with those feelings. I thought I could be vulnerable with my own sister without having that vulnerability used against me later.
There was also a time when I was going through an extremely difficult phase and said something along the lines of, "If I ever KMS, it'll be because of you."
I regret saying that. I know it was a very serious thing to say, and I wish neither of us had gone down that road. But instead of trying to understand why I was hurting so badly, she immediately said the same thing back to me. Since then, she has repeatedly brought up what I said during arguments as a way to hurt me.
I'm not proud of having said it, and I'm not trying to justify it. I just wish that, at the time, someone had asked me why I was feeling so broken instead of turning it into another weapon in an argument.
There have also been times when arguments between us have become physical, with her hitting me.
Now, about what happened today.
We were cleaning, and my leg accidentally touched hers. It wasn't intentional, and I immediately told her it was a mistake.
She responded by saying something along the lines of, "Okay, I'll kick you too and say it was a mistake."
I was initially willing to apologise for accidentally touching her. But she started insulting me, saying I had a dirty ego, bringing up my appearance, and making comments about my intelligence.
She said other people apparently thought I looked younger than her and had a small brain. When I pointed out that people hadn't actually said the small-brain part, she admitted that they hadn't said it but that she was saying it herself.
She also said she couldn't be grateful to me because of my attitude, that I didn't deserve her respect, and that even if I died for her, she wouldn't value me.
I got angry and said I wouldn't die for her either. That led to more insults and arguments.
I know I could have handled some parts of the situation better. I could have apologised for the accidental contact regardless of how she was behaving. But what frustrates me is how a tiny accident became an opportunity to attack my appearance, intelligence, personality, and our entire relationship.
We have never really had a relationship where we regularly say sorry or thank you to each other, so the whole situation also brought up a lot of resentment that has been building for a long time.
Eventually, my mother came into the room, and I complained to her that my sister wouldn't stop arguing.
My sister then told my mother that she couldn't apologise to me because apologising to me was "cringe." She also said that if she had to choose between dying for me or dying for waste, she would rather die for waste.
My mother started crying and begging us to stop fighting and leave the cleaning.
I felt terrible seeing my mother cry, but I also felt like I never got the chance to explain my side properly. My mother had argued with my sister earlier that same morning and had complained to me about how my sister never stops arguing. I thought she might understand why I was so frustrated, but when everything escalated, I felt like my own feelings got lost in the situation.
My mother shouted at me about the things I had said regarding dying, but I didn't really get an opportunity to explain the pain and frustration behind them.
I understand that my words were serious and that I shouldn't have said them. I just wish the conversation could have been about more than those words alone.
The situation with my parents makes everything more complicated.
My father is extremely strict. He has done a lot for my education and has sacrificed financially to provide for me. Whenever I genuinely need something, he usually gets it for me without complaining about the expense.
I'm grateful for those things, and I love him.
But he has also shouted at me and physically hit me in the past, including hitting us with a belt. He hasn't done that in about a year, but those experiences have stayed with me.
I have very mixed feelings about him because I recognise his sacrifices while also remembering the ways he has hurt me.
I'm particularly afraid of involving him in the situation with my sister because I don't want him to lose control and hit her. I don't want her to experience that, regardless of how angry I am with her.
So I feel stuck. My sister's behaviour is affecting my mental peace, but involving my parents could potentially make everything worse.
I also have an editing account that means a lot to me. Editing has become something I turn to when I'm upset because it helps me distract myself and gives me something enjoyable to do.
However, I'm afraid of my father's reaction if he finds out about it. I keep going back and forth between installing and uninstalling Instagram and hiding the video clips and other editing materials I use. It's exhausting to constantly hide something that helps me cope with everything else.
Sometimes I even wish I had never started editing because managing it secretly has become another source of stress. But it's also something I've grown attached to, and I don't want to give it up.
I'm currently waiting for my job onboarding, trying to improve my skills and prepare for my future, while also dealing with all this at home. I feel like I can't get a proper break from the conflict.
One thing that makes this especially painful is comparing my relationship with my sister to the relationships other people have with their siblings.
I've seen friends have terrible arguments with their siblings, but there's usually still some basic respect between them.
I don't feel like I have that.
Sometimes I wonder whether I've failed as an elder sister or whether I somehow failed to establish a healthy relationship with her. It's embarrassing to admit how bad things have become because I know people might find it hard to believe that my younger sister and I treat each other this way.
I don't expect her to worship me because I'm older. I don't expect her to repay everything I've done for her. I don't even expect us to agree on everything.
I just want to be able to live in the same house without every small disagreement turning into a personal attack. I want to be able to make a mistake without being insulted. I want to be able to share something vulnerable without having it used against me later.
And I want to stop feeling like I have to defend my entire character every time we fight.
I know I'm not perfect. I get angry too, and I've said things during arguments that I regret. I'm willing to acknowledge my own mistakes. But I also feel that the way she treats me goes beyond ordinary sibling disagreements.
This post is already extremely long, and honestly, everything I've described here is still only a small part of what's been happening. There are many more incidents and years of accumulated hurt that I haven't even included.
I'm not posting this because I want strangers to declare my sister a terrible person. I genuinely want advice from people who have experienced difficult sibling relationships or complicated family dynamics.
I'm still living at home, and I can't simply move out or cut off contact right now. I also don't want to escalate the situation by involving my father.
How do I deal with a sibling who turns almost every disagreement into a prolonged argument, brings up personal vulnerabilities to hurt me, and has crossed physical boundaries in the past?
How do I establish boundaries when walking away doesn't always resolve things and I still have to live with the person?
How do I stop letting these interactions affect my mental health so much?
And, realistically, is there a way to improve this relationship, or should I focus on accepting that we might never have the kind of sisterly bond I've always hoped for?
I'd really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have been in similar situations.