u/Intelligent-Laugh627

I always had fear of losing him and falling back to DPDR. I lost him on Sunday and i didn’t fall into DPDR rather the grief is so drenching, my each organ can feel.

But still somehow my whole timeline of this life has collapsed suddenly i cant remember time, i cant feel, i don’t know anything. I don’t remember when i turned 20, 19, 24.

I tried to think of existence itself which i used to and made me panic but now i can’t feel existence or anything related question.

I can’t think that universe is larger or what is consciousness.

I tried to disassociate myself, but it didn’t happen.

Now I’m feeling it all in and out.

I don’t know how to deal with life anymore. Please support.

I always had fear of losing him and falling back to DPDR. I lost him on Sunday and i didn’t fall into DPDR rather the grief is so drenching, my each organ can feel.

But still somehow my whole timeline of this life has collapsed suddenly i cant remember time, i cant feel, i don’t know anything. I don’t remember when i turned 20, 19, 24.

I tried to think of existence itself which i used to and made me panic but now i can’t feel existence or anything related question.

I can’t think that universe is larger or what is consciousness.

I tried to disassociate myself, but it didn’t happen.

Now I’m feeling it all in and out.

I wrote this after he left and i don’t know what to do what different i could have done to save him. Please help please, it feels my own heart has stopped.

My heart is sinking, it shunks a 1000 times, it sinks. It feels like impending doom. It feels unreal, it is unreal. Am i in a dream?????

It was one fine sunday morning, birds were chirping, life was good, a slow sunday morning. But for me i lost my entire universe. I lost my entire universe I had noone but him but now who to say, to this stupid paper.

I can’t live without him. He just left me, just like that without uttering a single word, right in my arms. It was decided for me to leave first but he left me. He left me in this cruel world, full of demons. He just left me in my arms. I couldn’t do anything, i took him to emergency but he already died or even before coming into arms. His mouth was wide awaken. I held his hand, i hold his hand in the ambulance, there was no pulse.

I thought my warm touch can return him to me. But it didn’t happen, he didn’t come. I couldn’t do anything. I used to call him twice a day even came to meet this weekend. I took him to doctor also, he lost 2 kgs, he walked and he wanted icecream, he couldn’t walk.

I ordered him sugarfree icecream, he ate it.

He was happy and me were happy. May one was getting better than why did he leave me in the morning. He was using phone throughout the night, i asked a million times if he was okay, he said he was uneasy, but i didn’t do anything and slept instead.

What kind of daughter am I? what? he left because of me. Now this house haunts me. When you left, your belongings was with me, your chasma, your medicine box and you also ordered one for me. But you had to go my dadi to hospital on monday, but you left before it. You just left.

The novel you wanted to read, why didn’t finish. why did you leave? what will i do without you? You were my everything. The fear i had for ages came true and i’m left with hollowness and your memories. I can’t decide which to pick first.

But i left without you? why didn’t you tell me in the night, why? You were awake whole night? I’m a bad granddaughter. But what to do now, why did this has to happen, I can’t survive without you. I can’t.

I prayed to the god which i didn’t believe but you didn’t come. what to do without you! what!
I wish i could erase half a line just half a line.
Now holi and diwali will be without you, i used to celebrate because you were there. Now you left and i cant breathe.