the aroace experience is so alienating i hate it i hate it i hate it
i just hate the feeling of being so replaceable in contrast to their partners. and i want to preface this by saying before i get into this vent: i'm not upset at any of these people for finding love and being happy! i want my friends happy and i want them to find the one who truly loves them in the way they wish.
my issue just comes with the fact that i'll make a friend, and we'll become super close. we'll talk and talk and be friends for years, but when they get a partner? i slowly watch them distance from me and make less and less time with me for them, and treat me more like a backup option for when their partner isn't around. i've gone through this several times and the upset never gets easier to handle for me. hell, i'm going through it again with a friend of mine atm
my most recent example is: i've been friends with someone for 3 years, consistently talking to them daily for those 3 years. i was there to comfort them at their worst, i was there when their old partner broke up with them and i was the one who always offered my shoulder for them to cry on. i was their only friend after they were cast out from a friendgroup in 2022 for like.. 2 years? i say this because we were a level of close where we both knew eachothers deepest fears, we both knew basically all there was to know about the other. but recently, they met a person 1 month ago and started dating them. all good. i was happy they found love again, especially as they confided in me they wanted it badly.
the issue has began where they've stopped talking to me as much, and whenever i do they seem to only talk about their partner or what they're doing with their partner. we don't really have the same convos we used to because they spend basically the entire day on call with their partner, and when i do get time with them on call their partner either has to come along or they'll leave midway through (at most i can keep them around for a hour) to ditch just to hang out with their partner.
i just feel so alienated because everytime i find someone who i consider to be my best friend, they'll always just slowly leave when they get a partner and treat me like i only exist when their partner can't be around. i feel selfish for saying this but i just want someone, anyone to treat me like i'm important and worth staying around even if they have a partner. its been weighing on me that maybe i'll never be the most important to anyone ever because i simply can't feel love. i've tried to feel love, i tried to convince myself that i could. but i can't, and i hate myself for it almost. i just feel like a side-character in everyones lives and i feel like something is fundamentally broken with me for not being like everyone else in my life who fawns over people and fictional characters while i can never understand it myself
i can't do it anymore man . even if i tried to say something to them i doubt they'd understand my feelings about just feeling like i'll never compare to their partners, even when i pour my heart into relationships just to be cast aside for love. i feel like an asshat for even feeling this way honestly, and if i am evil for feeling this way, please tell me. i don't want to feel like this and i don't want to hate my aroace identity any longer