Anyone else feeling exhausted trying to date other Black femmes/people in California/San Diego?
Hey y'all, I just need to vent for a second and see if anyone else relates, because I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind out here.
I’m a Black lesbian living in San Diego, and I honestly love dating Black femmes. But lately, it feels like trying to make that happen out here is next to impossible, and I'm getting so drained.
For context, I have a dyed blonde Afro, and I’m out here surfing and boogie boarding—basically living the SoCal lifestyle. Because of that, there’s this immediate, frustrating assumption from Black femmes that I *only* date outside my race. Like, the judgment starts before I even open my mouth just because of my aesthetic and hobbies.
To be completely real, hitting on Black femmes out here has become so intimidating. I know it’s not “all”of them, but time and time again, the energy I run into feels so stuck up and heavily judgmental. It’s like there’s a wall up immediately because they've already put me in a box.
I never dealt with this on the East Coast. Coming out here, it honestly feels like Black people in California just don't like other Black people. Like, dang, I never wanted to have that assumption put on me, but at this point, it’s making me feel this weird, internalized anti-Blackness—and the wildest part is that it's coming from people who look just like me!!!!
Meanwhile... non-Black people out here are absolutely all over me. The contrast is wild. I want that same mutual vibe, effort, and attraction with Black femmes, but it’s just not happening. Maybe it’s something in the air in SoCal, or maybe the dating pool dynamics out here are just warped if you don't fit a specific mold.
I’m just tired of running into the same wall over and over when my intentions are pure. Has anyone else experienced this specific vibe shift, or felt boxed in by your look and hobbies while trying to date Black femmes out west? How do you cope with it without completely giving up?