r/QueerWomenOfColor

Lately I’ve been wondering if I’m selfish for the way I approach relationships and people in general. I’m at a point where I don’t really believe in giving endless chances anymore. If someone does something that crosses a line for me, I might forgive them, but if it becomes a pattern, I’m gone. Every time I’ve given someone another chance, they’ve somehow ended up proving to me why I wanted to leave in the first place, and I’m honestly just tired of learning that lesson over and over again.

I care a lot about my life, my goals, my work, and the things I’m building for myself. I’m more than happy to have someone beside me and include them in all of that, but I don’t want a relationship to come at the expense of my peace. I’ve been called selfish or distant before because of that, but part of me feels like I’m not being selfish, I’m just finally putting myself first instead of constantly making excuses for people.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I’m just hard to date or hard to be close to, but then I think maybe I’m just hard to co-sign on bullshit 😭. I don’t expect people to be perfect, and I know I have my own things I need to work on, but I also don’t want to keep accepting things that hurt me just because I care about someone. I’d rather be alone than stay somewhere just because I’m scared of letting go.

The weird part is, I actually feel things really deeply, I just don’t always show it. So I’m curious, am I actually being selfish, or is there a point where choosing yourself and protecting your peace is just healthy? Do you think there’s a difference between having strong boundaries and just being unwilling to compromise?

I’ve had a lot of relationships, but I don’t think I’ve felt a true sense of partnership in all of them. It took understanding that you can have a relationship and still feel no sense of partnership for me to realise how important it is to define what partnership actually looks like to you.

A relationship is about the connection between two people and can exist without those people necessarily functioning as a team.

A partnership, on the other hand, describes how those two people choose to operate within that relationship. There’s a sense of shared responsibility, mutuality, collaboration and consideration.

How you approach those things, or to what degree they’re shared, is individual and depends on both partners’ needs. There isn’t a definitive way that a partnership should look. But I’m finding that when you reframe your approach from desiring a relationship to desiring a partnership, it really flicks a switch in terms of helping you define what you actually want your relationship to look like and how both partners (uniquely) show up.

There’s an assumed sense of mutual support in partnership that simply being in a relationship doesn’t always provide.

Hi, I'm 26, fem, and live in a big city with a reputable poc queer population. I've only dated one person (years ago in grade school), but am open to actually start dating. I haven't had luck meeting anyone in person, possibly because I look straight. I've heard a mix of horror stories and success stories with the HER app. With the current state of the HER app, do you think it's worth giving it a shot (with premium) to try to meet other fems? Or is the app mainly just bots and cis-men now and is not worth any effort? I wanted to try Hinge first, but I don't like their new rule that allows them to store biometric data during account setup for whatever purposes as they see fit.

For a while, as a queer person I have complained about his shows with respectability politics and bigotry disguised as “camp” or “queer traditions”, but over time when looking at the big picture, I noticed that there is overall a sense of paternalistic entitlement with him and a lot of queer groups. When seeing someone once defend how Glee revolutionized queer rep despite its problems, to his recent Monster shows and people confused how he could produce such shows, I noticed that it’s not surprising he would “regress” when you see it fits his mindset very well.

Take a look at a lot of his past stuff, aside from the punching down on minorities who aren’t cis white gay men plus the reinforcing of queerphobic tropes, and while people will deflect as “a product of its time”, I cannot help but really notice how for a lot of the publicity around him, it’s less about the show being good and more about him “paving the way”. And also with closer look, I notice a repetition of misery porn, specifically on minorities, and it being praised as “realism”.

In addition, with the less bad stuff, this is where I see the rise of the paternalistic side. With how people will praise him for “giving opportunities” to marginalized groups, I cannot help but feel put off, as they don’t really question the roles his gives them, plus the announcement of it feels less like actual progressive choices and more of PR. And then there’s Pose. Now I know that many people will love and praise it, and even though he didn’t directly write and direct, I still side-eye from the fact that he was an executive producer. People praise it for having the biggest cast of queer POC, but it feels that it’s only praise for that, and people aren’t really judging it for the writing, overall giving the feeling that Murphy made the show out of a paternalistic reason. And with the audience surrogate who’s a cis white gay man, while not as severe it reminded me too much of Roland Emmerich and his Stonewall film. And with how people praise him for tackling stories about older queer culture, and giving him a pass for his age, it feels almost like cultural appropriation.

Over the course though, it feels with the publicity, Murphy has slowly been going mask-off, as we see him being more into true crime and biographies. Well before those, there was The Prom. Aside from the crime of casting James Corden (/s), a major complaint was with how the film reduced the storylines of sapphic characters, and more in favor of the main gay male character. But also when people complain about how Corden depicts homosexuality, I notice a huge defense is that the director (Ryan Murphy) is openly gay, so obviously it can’t be that bad. And then it made me realize for why Hollywood and the industry really allows him to thrive: He isn’t actually progressive, but he gives the illusion of it. I mean take a look of how he managed to disguise queerphobic tropes as something cool and edgy.

And back to the true crime shows like Monster, I realize that it fits the same pattern of paternalism. He objectified queerness before, and he is continuing it now. He already dehumanized, and is still currently doing it.

Off-topic for a bit, but with for (not all but a lot of) cis white gay men like him, I notice with the whole thing people describe as “catty” or “mean girl” behavior, it just feels like they weaponized gay stereotypes to get away with misogynistic BS.

I’m suffocating under the weight of my heterosexual friendships, I need to be surrounded by authentic queer friendships. Not fwbs, hookups, exes, I want some genuine friendships. Put me in a groupchat or let’s make one right now. I’m 29, black, lesbian from Florida with no children or pets. I don’t smoke but I’m a social drinker. I love gaming, going to hockey games, pickleball, atv/bike riding, springs, anything with adrenaline except coasters that go upside down. I’ll watch anything from twilight to anime to criminal minds. I like long walks and watching predators get caught on YouTube. Let’s be friends.

Is this prevalent in the queer community or is it just online noise? I've been seeing more and more posts from people who are "high earners" and how they can't date people who earn lower. The tone of most of these posts are derogatory and describe low earners as unambitious or lazy which I find ridiculous. Maybe I don't get it because I'm a first generation immigrant and have no privileged throne to sit on and talk trash.

I know that classism exist but it's quite grating hearing queer women associate low income with laziness or lack of ambition. Date whoever but don't put a group into a box because you aren't getting what you want.

Tell me how you're spending your day!

Why SOME lesbian have a problem with bi women ?

I come from a family of refugees 🇨🇩, currently living in America. Not to long ago I realized after my partner came out as trans that I am actually a lesbian. As we both grow with our new identities I find that our relationship is honestly something I want to cultivate. I want to be with her, watch her become the woman she aspires to be, and be happy.

Aside from that I've always had a rocky relationship with my family. Although things are 'peaceful', its mostly because ive become apathetic towards everything. I care to an extent, but even before I knew my identity, I acknowledged that I did not care to have them in my future.

Im a student, went to community college for 2 years, now im transferring out to live on campus. I was tired of being sheltered, barred from doing normal things that young people do! And so far my family is mostly against it but will support me. Which wasn't going to change anything. One way or another, I was going to have my safe place.

With all this excitement almost every family member I know is pulling me in for chats. Be a 'Good Christian girl', praising me for being the first family member to go to uni. How i shouldn't embarrass my family. All this praise and concern is honestly getting to my head. Especially ever since my big sister chimed in.

She is in an abusive relationship, I was there for one summer to help with the kids. Honestly it was the worst month of my life. To see someone I looked up to, so understanding and free, turn into a conservative ultra religious tradwife broke something in me. Now my identity and my refusal to believe in a religion that has always been associated with hate for me is a 'problem'.

I have to find a way to be distant with them, I hate that im not fully independent. My car, my health insurance, and the support their offering is something I cant afford to refuse. Yet im thinking about it.

My gf says to just pretend that we're a straight couple before she starts hormone. I dont agree with that statement, I would not have my family force any one of my partners or friends change who they are. They are never worth that.

The only reason I care to have a 'relationship' with them is because of the advantages and my little sister. I just hate that their insisting on driving over (uni is an hour away) to 'check up on me' I feel like transferring to another cell. I know I'll have to but up boundaries but it feels ridiculous that I have to.

They never cared to uplift me when I was a child yet when im an adult and moving away. They all of a sudden know how to be nice. All of it comes so easily, years overdue.

I don't believe i have to come out to them like some of my white friends insist on. I don't have to give them all the reasons I love the woman im with, while they cant give me one logical reason they hate people like me!

This whole family is built on appearances. I may love them. But I'd rather leave them in my past to focus on thw future with someone that I care for.

To put it shortly, over the years i have steuggled with food. I let myself go and am constantly battling to lose weight, but it seems like I'm losing the battle and I didn't want to start trying online dating until I lost weight. I just want people's opinion on whether i should keep waiting to lose more weight (for context 60 lbs overweight) or just put myself out there now to try and find a partner. I'm feeling really lonely. I work a lot, in a job with only straight people around me so my chances of meeting anyone organically are near zero. I'm new to online apps and even new to dating, and it scares me because I'm also middle-aged. 40. I haven't been in a relationship for the last 10 years. I am not hughly attractive on my face, no one has ever organically hit on me or flirted with me. So, I'm not sure if it's even worth the try to put my profile on the apps. Does anyone have any advice?

TW for religious trauma, queerphobia, mental health issues. Mostly a rant, but also would like some advice. Idk how to start this and my mind is a mess right now, so sorry if it's disorganized or doesn't make much sense:

I (18NB) was raised in a high-control church (could be considered a cult) from ages 5-9 or 10. I was taught a lot of awful stuff during my time there, among those being that being queer was gross and a sin, and that queer people were wicked monsters who wanted to hurt children. There was also teachings about hell, demons, and demonic possesion I was told were very much real. Long story short, I was left with religious trauma I'm still dealing with today. That added with the fact that I grew up in Latin American and what society there thinks/believes about queer people really didn't help at all.

In the last year and a half, I have deconstructed and left Christianity, which has given me greater freedom to explore myself and my identity. So far I've found out I'm demi-panromantic, asexual, and non-binary, although I'm still exploring my identity. I know this should be something that shoul make me happy, but what's caused me more than anything is just worsening anxiety and depression and just made me have more frequent panic attacks because I'm spiraling thinking I'm going to hell (even though I don't believe in Christianity), that I deserve to die for being an abomination and a sinner, and that maybe I truly am a monster like everyone around me, mostly family, has always told me (that's how they talk about queer people).

Literally I just mustered enough bravery earlier today to come out to one of my closest friends and tell them I'm non-binary (they're queer, too), and I've been shaking non-stop for the past hour while my brain keep spiraling. I can easily accept and love others around me who are queer, but when it comes to me? Yeah, nope. Not happening. I feel disgusted by myself, like the scum of the earth. I know I need to be the one to give the first step and live myself unconditionally, but when I do that, I spiral into a very bad place mentally and I end up worse than what I was. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, idk

Lately it's been taking a heavy toll on my mental health. I already struggled with my mental health, and this is just making it worse every day. It hurts, a lot. I wanna be happy and be able to live authentically without having these thoughts, living in constant fear, or feeling disgusted by myself. How do you get rid of the internalized queerphobia? Or at least how do you lessen it? This is wearing down on me, and I really don't know how much longer I can hold up like this before I snap. Thank you in advance for any help 🫂

So I live in a small-ish city and it seems there aren’t a lot of queer women here, at least singles ones. I’m going into my late 20s, and just like other ppl in their late 20s, I don’t see myself meeting anyone that I vibe with for a while.

My last relationship was about 4 years ago (that lasted about 6 months), and I’m struggling with wanted to put myself out there, but also not knowing where to start. I hate dating apps bc I don’t get a good grasp of who they are, vice versa. And anytime I’m around queer women, I don’t really know how to talk to them, or when I do, it doesn’t work out.

I’m just trying to see if anyone else feels the same, bc I feel so alone at times, but I also don’t want to put the weight of my loneliness onto someone else. I would love to hear stories of how you met your person so I can have some faith lol.

I always hear stories of how gay men will receive homophobia from men (or people In general) in public, like hearing slurs shouted at them. but is it the same for queer women? Or is it different, because I never really hear any of these stories for women.

Summoning all bookworms...

I am the only out lesbian (stud) at a black entertainment company. I’ve been working here for almost 2 years. I try to ignore it, but working here has become hostile. Not towards me but I can’t bare to hear the anti- lgbt comments

The company I work for has been in business for 46 years and they are conservative black people. They have no issues with working with black queer talent but will never create any content about the queer experience.

I am actively looking for another job, how do get through working here?

My manager said something today and I almost came undone! It’s sad how black lgbt folks are truly on our own. Working has made me realize religion is just a tool to shame and hurt people.

I will never trust or will befriend straight people they are dangerous to us

edit: also I have an “ex-gay” coworker who is probably the most homophobic

I met a woman about 2.5 months ago, and we started dating. I asked her if she was ok with being casual from the very start, and she said she was cool with it. But things got intense really quickly, physically and emotionally.

We were talking every day, hanging out every week, being cute and romantic with each other (we're both lover girls lol), coming up with fun date ideas, telling each other we miss each other every day, having deep emotional conversations, showing each other we cared for each other in different ways, etc. There was genuine excitement from both of us whenever we'd hang out.

It didn't take long for me to realize I actually had feelings for her. I thought about it and wondered if I was actually ready for something long-term, I kept going back and forth in my head but that confusion already told me that I wasn't. I was happy with our arrangement and wanted to continue exploring other people. Although I did ask someone out (got rejected) and was open to other people while we were dating, I didn't actually end up seeing anyone else during this time.

A few days ago, she brought up our dynamic, saying that what we were doing doesn't feel really casual. She was ok with it in the beginning, but now she wants more clarity. She tells me we can either stop seeing each other, keep it casual for real, or date exclusively with the intention of figuring out long term capability. I asked for some time to think about it.

Eventually, I tell her I'm not ready for something exclusive but would like to keep seeing her casually and we can establish some boundaries. I thought she would be interested in this because she brought it up as an option, but then she tells me that wouldn't work for her and things end pretty abruptly, though we did it on good terms. It felt really strange because all day we were talking like normal, the flirty, affectionate and romantic conversations we usually had. Making comments about "next time we see each other we should do this or that".

Now I feel a lot of regret for not giving it a shot. And I can't stop crying, which is crazy because I was the one who didn't want to be serious. I know it's super fresh and I'm feeling this void in my heart and life now, so even if all I want to do is tell her I made a huge mistake, I know I shouldn't. If I was that conflicted about what to do from the start, then I shouldn't drag her into that because she deserves someone who's 100% sure about dating her more seriously.

If you asked me several months ago, I would've told you that I wished the love of my life could walk through the door so I could stop dating. But I had a change of heart and realized that I want to explore my sexuality (not the fact that I'm queer, but sexual experiences). Long story short, I've been deeply unfulfilled in my love life, and I started dating quite late. I don't want to feel like I missed out by settling down before I mentally felt ready.

But this woman is such an awesome person, and I really enjoyed getting to know her and getting closer to her. We had so much fun and felt comfortable being emotionally intimate. We could be our crazy selves together, which felt amazing. And the sex was great, plus it was only getting better. It didn't feel like just hooking up.

Would love to hear perspectives from people who have experienced something similar. I'm really going through it right now 😭

How can studs stick up for themselves now and days? Without being defensive. It's so hard being a stud especially when you're not manly or a touch me not ... it hurts honestly the things i been told as a younger stud even until my late 20s you're to feminine you care to much you too emotional ! The expectations honestly is hard af to live by sometimes I be feeling like we not even human.

Anyone else who used to identify as nonbinary no longer feels like it represents them? I used to identify as nonbinary because people made me feel like I was not feminine enough to be a cis woman. I’m tall and slim and I guess I look “so pretty I thought you were trans”. I felt like I got pushed out of womanhood. Now that I’m older im reclaiming my womanhood and I feel like I’m facing pushback from my local queer community even tho I’m still sapphic and asexual.