r/QueerWomenOfColor

i’ve been in love with one of my good friends for a while now. she was actually the person who made me realize i was queer. she’s queer too and just… amazing. she’s beautiful and funny and so so so cool. she catches me off guard with the things she says all the time, she remembers the smallest things i’ve said. when she talks i can feel myself hanging on to every word. i moved away from her and i see her everywhere in my new city - in the cafes i think of what pastry she would like, i think of how she would take so many pictures of this and that or find this one thing so funny.
when i got my nose pierced, she came and held my hand the entire time. her hugs are the best hugs. i think im in love with her maybe. i know for sure that i really like her.

but i dont see us ever being in a successful relationship. i tend to overthink everything so maybe i’ve just talked myself into this but here’s why. i know she doesn’t like me like that, i dont even think she considers me as close of a friend as i consider her. im also a newly queer practicing muslim and while i know that shouldn’t stop me from finding love and companionship, im still trying to figure it out and i dont think a relationship is the best place to do that right now. im a hot ass mess right now and i just don’t think it’d be fair. maybe that’s a little self deprecating idk. lastly i don’t want to risk the friendship we have built if we try a relationship and it doesn’t work out. we have a bunch of shared friends and we went to college together. i’ve always practiced no dating within friend groups because i’ve seen how messy it can be.

sooooo my question is how do i stop liking this girl? do i stop liking this girl? i feel like i need to move on if i’ve already come to this confusion but it’s been going on a year and i still find myself pining after her.

When identifying as lesbian and including nonbinary people, what are people’s opinions about being with AMAB nonbinary people?

Not to define these people thru their AGAB, but i feel like people can categorize “lesbian” as someone interested in women and nonbinary people that are AFAB. I feel like this nulls the purpose of being nonbinary in general but I’m wondering if people believe it means you’re not a lesbian?

I personally don’t care but I just want opinions? I’m beginning to dislike labels because it seems like I’m trying to strictly define my behavior when I haven’t done anything yet.

I also know it’s different for everyone. I just want other perspectives.

It doesn’t make sense, especially if you’re lgbtq+. I was talking to this fellow lesbian who I thought was cool till she decided to go on a rant about trans women evading lesbian spaces. Saying since they have a penis or because they were born male they can be a trans women let alone a lesbian. She even said it’s supports rape culture “feeding into their delusions.” I can tell she views men as predators so when a man decides to transition she can’t get passed the part that she used to be a male and using her identity to “invade” our spaces. Let alone that trans women fought for our rights in the US. I got called a traitor to women and lesbians for thinking trans women are women. It’s so disheartening. It separates our community more. To all my trans sisters who read this. Know that i support you and love you. You’re a woman and fuck transphobes.

Hey guys so Im on Lex and Ive had good bad the ugly all the mix but at this present time it seems like im attracting weird energy. At first I chopped it up to it being just the woes of online dating but now its like starting to become a pattern I notice.

Ill make a few posts and have mad people hmu (not mad people but people lol) and some of them are weird, could either be good or bad

one thing in particular ive noticed is people hitting me up and we converse and then they go ghost. That part is the norm for most people but its not just that, these same people will hit me up, ask me to hang, and then go ghost after ive responded with a yes and its driving me insane its like im bein plotted against but I know thats simply not the case but I just cant help but be confused by this and ask why? why do people do this on lex? I dont understand it.

al I want is community and it just feels like im never going to get that no matter how much effort I put in being either the person to make the first move or reciprocate the mutual effort

how do I just stop letting this stuff bother me? I simply dont want to be "nonchalant" or act like these things are above as its not in me to do so, I sincerely want to build friendships with people but it just feels like nowadays you gotta get thru hoop of keeping someone interested even tho they reach out first and I feel so exhausted from being the one in this position all the time

Summoning all bookworms...

Hi all, I'm a queer WOC from a developing country where being visibly gay means social ostracism :( For almost a year now, I've been studying in Europe, which has been incredibly freeing compared to home, it's a very welcoming environment for queer people. Before coming here, I naively thought: "Oh, I'm going to have the best time of my life. I'll finally have a girlfriend I don't need to hide!"

During my first two semesters, I didn't go to bars or parties. Partly because loud music and crowds of strangers overwhelm me, and partly because I had a lot on my plate lol: adapting to a new language, new country, keeping up with my studies, and trying to make friends. I wouldn't say that my first year was wasted, but I do feel like I haven't taken advantage of being somewhere I can actually be myself.

As for now, I have one year left before I graduate, and realistically I will have to go back home. The job market here (almost everywhere else) is rough, and I doubt I will secure a PhD spot or any work that let me stay here. I feel like I'm running out of time. This could be my only chance at living openly as a lesbian, and I can't afford to wait.

Any other queer WOC who studied abroad in a more accepting country, knowing you would have to go back home soon. I would love to hear how you coped and how did you make the most of it?

I met this situationship, before I went on a break with my current partner. She was visiting my city, has relatives here who are close friends of mine. We instantly clicked and spent a lot of time together. There definitely was some romance but we never slept with eachother, made out maybe 3 times in the course of 2 weeks.

Before she left we did talk, I let her know that I cannot commit to her or growing our connection as I was on a break with my partner, explaining that my heart is very much still with my partner.

She has left me so many presents before leaving, has been trying to contact me a lot. I’ve not had the time to answer her or properly call her. I also thought I was clear but maybe it wasn’t enough. She just sent me a long voicenote on how she wants to share and tell me everything she experiences, misses me a lot.. That she has never felt so safe with anyone 💔 It’s a lot, we only hung out a few times!

She is coming back in July and actually planning on living here at some point. I do really appreciate her presence, her person and on top of that she is part of a family very close to me (they know of this) - I really don’t want to hurt her but I feel like she is not reading the situation as it is and I am quite worried.

Any advice for me? :/

I think this falls under trigger warning? I don't know.

So, my favorite uncle was the only one who knew about my truth. Well, many of them. Never judged me. He was an eccentric black man living his life a bit misunderstood at times. This man did not give a flying fuck. He was his black self everywhere he went. But he was also the only one who you can tell things like "hey, I'm queer." and he'd go "Are you still human? Are you still good? That's all that matters"

In his late 70s, dementia really did a number. It wasn't too bad at first. But, today, we went to visit him at the nursing home. (We can't really have him live with us because we don't have a proper place for him. And, we don't the tools to take care of him. Or else he wouldn't be in a nursing home.). He didn't recognize me at first. Then, there was a flash when of recognition when my mom told him my nickname he called me as when I was a little child.

I just wanted to share my feelings in a safe space. I'm losing one of the few people that cared about me. Authentic me. Who never judged me or used my attempts against me. I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I am strong enough to still visit him. Like, it hurts.

Now, I am back having almost no one in my family who will be okay with the queer side of me. (Most of them are Christians and most of them are well Black and...well...Black from across the globe...lots of queerphobia in general)

Welcome to the monthly matchmaking thread! This space is for QWOC to connect for dating and friendship. Please follow the guidelines below to ensure a respectful and safe environment:​

• Respect Privacy: Don’t share any personal contact information here (use DMs for that after connecting).
• Safety First: Avoid sharing highly personal details. Meet in public spaces first if you plan to meet in person.
• Use Caution: Trust your instincts when interacting online. Report any concerning behavior to the mods or Reddit.

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Find Your Match!

Purpose:

💖 Dating | 💛 Friendship | 💚 Both

Distance Preference:

• 🏡 Locals Only – Connections within the same city/region.
• ✈️ Willing to Travel – Open to traveling within the country or nearby states but not internationally. Ideal for someone who's flexible with travel but prefers to keep it domestic.
• 🌍 Open to Long-Distance – Willing to connect regardless of location, including across states or internationally.

Purpose + Distance | Region/City

Pronouns | Orientation | Identity/Presentation etc.

A Bit About You (please don't be shy)

Big 3 (Sun, Rising, Moon) [OPTIONAL]

✅ what you’re looking for:

- Age Range | Identity/Presentation Preferences

- ❌ Dealbreakers

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EXAMPLE POST

💖✈️ | Canada | Late 20s

She/They | Lesbian | Butch

I’m someone who enjoys the balance of quiet moments and meaningful connections. I’m introverted by nature, so I value deep, one-on-one interactions rather than big crowds. While I might not always be the first to speak up in a group, I’m definitely the type of person who listens, remembers details, and enjoys thoughtful conversations. I’m all about quality over quantity when it comes to relationships, and I tend to connect best with people who appreciate sincerity, kindness, and a good sense of humor.

Leo Sun, Virgo Rising, Pisces Moon

✅

23-30 | No real preference | Casual dating

❌

• If you're still emotionally attached or haven’t fully moved on from a previous relationship, that’s a dealbreaker for me. I’m looking for someone who is fully available and ready to build something new.
• If you're struggling with substance abuse related to drugs/alcohol

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Thank you for joining our monthly matchmaking thread! We hope you find meaningful connections. Remember to stay respectful, communicate openly, and prioritize safety, especially when meeting in person.

If you make a connection, feel free to update your post with an edit to let others know you're no longer looking for matches. If things don’t work out, no worries - take your time and keep looking for someone who aligns with you!

Thanks for helping keep this space welcoming and inclusive for all queer women of color. Happy connecting!

The title says it all. I've had to check several white/white-passing queer women on their biphobia today on someone's IG post where they talked about issues that bisexuals face (hostility at Pride, not being seen as "fully queer", etc.). Some of the replies ranged from dismissiveness about bi erasure and bimisogyny, to claiming that bi people have "straight-passing privilege" and claiming that bi women can't be femme/claim the femme label.

I haven't seen this level of hostility towards bi women from queer women of color (especially Black queer women). Without fail, that shit always comes from white queers. And it's like, WHYYYYYY are they so pressed about the mere existence of bisexuals????

I feel that, because of this endless wave of biphobia from the YTs, I have to become just as, if not more, hostile towards them and others who want to attack and denigrate the bisexual community.

I'm so tired. And it's only the middle of May.

I’ve been wanting to try one. I’m not necessarily looking to find anyone (though I would maybe be open to hookups) but to meet people. Are there any you’d recommend for WOC? Ty!

i swear to god, the only demographic that routinely isn't into me is my demographic (asian americans.) the only two asians who have shown a reciprocal interest to me are baddies who grew up in asian countries (china and korea, respectively.)

out of every asian american woman who i've pursued, most of them don't date other asians, and they ended up with a non-asian after i pursued them.

i do just fine with other demographics. i am a catch, if i say so myself. but it's so frustrating, feeling shut out of the community i want to love most.

i want to shake them and shout that their internalized racism is so obvious. why would i feel like "a sibling" to them? all we have in common is our race. and there's billions of asians, lol.

now im over here feeling like an idiot for wanting too much or caring too much...

Ayo so I'm a gay black woman that writes and produces in Austin and lately I've been thinking about the representation that we currently see...or don't see.

I feel like the genres are heavily lacking and that so far, its just been romance/drama. What about the fantasy stories, sci-fi, crime, super heros, space, whimiscal or darker genres? Arcane but live-action?

What do you think? What do you think we need more of? What's missing for you?

Not specifically asking out a WOC, but I like the community here more so feel safe to ask

How to approach someone in public? The person seems queer, I've seen them at the local farmers market every Saturday. They just scribble in a book, hang out at a spot etc. the same spot. I find them very cute and they just seem nice

Hello I've seen you around a few times and think you seem really cool (I think cute would come off as creepy and too strong. If you would like for us to be acquainted, here is my number?

I'd hate to ever make someone uncomfortable and don't want to come off as creepy. That's all I would desire from this interaction, and obviously I don't want to pressure someone into a response either hence thinking to give them my number. But unsure if that's okay to do

I have never ever done something like this, hence my hesitancy. Do I provide a name with the number?

Thank you

How have you dealt with it over the years? Especially if you have figured that your parents are unlikely to change. I don’t know, I am 20F and have been thinking about my girlfriend and I’s future and I guess what that would look like once we eventually live together. Luckily I am in America where, as of right now, I can marry who I want, so it’s not like my parents can control that anyways. They know I am bisexual but they expect me to “grow out of it” and still try to treat it like nothing to take seriously and that it’s just a phase….even though I’ve been out for 5 years.

But I know either way, my evangelical conservative parents won’t accept my queer identity now, or in the near future if they see I am seriously committed to my partner.

For anyone who had to deal with stuff like this, what worked best for your individual situation? Did that look like cutting contact? Setting boundaries?

does it get better? i need to know if life is worth it, i'm so exhausted living in fear. the past 6 years since i realised i was a lesbian everything i have ever done is to work towards being in a position where i feel safe and i thought i beginning to reap what i have sewn but i overheard my family say they will kill me if i was gay. im sick of running its wreaking havoc on every aspect of my life, my relationship with myself and other people and my career. whats the point if the threat will always be there. how do you cope? i tried to see a professional but they said they were not competent enough to help me. 23F

ugh, don't like being in this situation.

we are both bisexual. they have dated women before. i have hooked up with women before but not really had feelings. for some reason, me being interested in my friend romantically feels really gross of me. i know it's internalized homophobia, but another part of it is, i have never liked when male friends confessed feelings for me and i worry i'm doing the same thing to our dynamic.

i get a flirty vibe in our friendship and i have no idea how to read into it. they do things to me that seem flirty, but then they pull away. i would love to hook up with them and cuddle with them and kiss and hold hands just for a short time, even if we can't date. there's a number of reasons why i'm not sure if we would work as a couple. one of them is that they live across the country and we only see each other once every few months. the other is that i feel we have different relationship needs. but i'd be happy even with just a kiss, mostly to confirm that i was right about our vibes.

to be honest, i dont know if i ever felt "just like friends" towards them. i always thought they were really hot, even when we first met. lol. but it didn't turn romantic until later.

i want to tell them something, because it's getting to the point where i'm torn up about it, and freaking out/getting nervous and jealous whenever they tell me about whatever cute person they met that day.

if i was being fully honest, i'd spill my heart out and be like "I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU. I'VE BEEN INTO YOU SINCE THE DAY I MET YOU, YEARS AGO." but i don't want to come on so strong.

i want to say something like, "i know we are friends, but to be honest, i still get a homo vibe sometimes and i would like to explore that. im sorry if this freaks you out."

the issue with this is, it doesn't really capture how invested i am, and how heartbroken i will be if they say no. and if they do, i will crash out to an extent that they are surprised by. which will be embarassing for me. and we have plans to travel together for a couple days next month. rip

maybe i'll add: "i think our friendship is very special and i usually would not want to violate that unless i am seeing clear signs. the only reason i am bringing this up is because first of all i realized i am pretty bad at detecting clear signs. second of all, it's gotten to the point where i crash out a bit when i hear u expressing interest in other people." but then that also kind of reveals how down bad i am.

this is half a cry for help, half just a vent. i always heard about bi people having homoromantic friendships that change their brain chemistry, but i didn't have those. this is because for much of my life, i was only physically attracted to women. this is now happening to me. it's really hard for me and i am struggling. i feel like i have betrayed them by not being honest about my feelings for a while. and i feel silly for being the "secretly lovesick 'best friend'," a dynamic i have been on the other side of before, that made me super uncomfortable, and that i swore i'd never do to anyone else.