Don't know how long i can keep up the facade
I come from a family of refugees 🇨🇩, currently living in America. Not to long ago I realized after my partner came out as trans that I am actually a lesbian. As we both grow with our new identities I find that our relationship is honestly something I want to cultivate. I want to be with her, watch her become the woman she aspires to be, and be happy.
Aside from that I've always had a rocky relationship with my family. Although things are 'peaceful', its mostly because ive become apathetic towards everything. I care to an extent, but even before I knew my identity, I acknowledged that I did not care to have them in my future.
Im a student, went to community college for 2 years, now im transferring out to live on campus. I was tired of being sheltered, barred from doing normal things that young people do! And so far my family is mostly against it but will support me. Which wasn't going to change anything. One way or another, I was going to have my safe place.
With all this excitement almost every family member I know is pulling me in for chats. Be a 'Good Christian girl', praising me for being the first family member to go to uni. How i shouldn't embarrass my family. All this praise and concern is honestly getting to my head. Especially ever since my big sister chimed in.
She is in an abusive relationship, I was there for one summer to help with the kids. Honestly it was the worst month of my life. To see someone I looked up to, so understanding and free, turn into a conservative ultra religious tradwife broke something in me. Now my identity and my refusal to believe in a religion that has always been associated with hate for me is a 'problem'.
I have to find a way to be distant with them, I hate that im not fully independent. My car, my health insurance, and the support their offering is something I cant afford to refuse. Yet im thinking about it.
My gf says to just pretend that we're a straight couple before she starts hormone. I dont agree with that statement, I would not have my family force any one of my partners or friends change who they are. They are never worth that.
The only reason I care to have a 'relationship' with them is because of the advantages and my little sister. I just hate that their insisting on driving over (uni is an hour away) to 'check up on me' I feel like transferring to another cell. I know I'll have to but up boundaries but it feels ridiculous that I have to.
They never cared to uplift me when I was a child yet when im an adult and moving away. They all of a sudden know how to be nice. All of it comes so easily, years overdue.
I don't believe i have to come out to them like some of my white friends insist on. I don't have to give them all the reasons I love the woman im with, while they cant give me one logical reason they hate people like me!
This whole family is built on appearances. I may love them. But I'd rather leave them in my past to focus on thw future with someone that I care for.