How do you get rid of internalized queerphobia?
TW for religious trauma, queerphobia, mental health issues. Mostly a rant, but also would like some advice. Idk how to start this and my mind is a mess right now, so sorry if it's disorganized or doesn't make much sense:
I (18NB) was raised in a high-control church (could be considered a cult) from ages 5-9 or 10. I was taught a lot of awful stuff during my time there, among those being that being queer was gross and a sin, and that queer people were wicked monsters who wanted to hurt children. There was also teachings about hell, demons, and demonic possesion I was told were very much real. Long story short, I was left with religious trauma I'm still dealing with today. That added with the fact that I grew up in Latin American and what society there thinks/believes about queer people really didn't help at all.
In the last year and a half, I have deconstructed and left Christianity, which has given me greater freedom to explore myself and my identity. So far I've found out I'm demi-panromantic, asexual, and non-binary, although I'm still exploring my identity. I know this should be something that shoul make me happy, but what's caused me more than anything is just worsening anxiety and depression and just made me have more frequent panic attacks because I'm spiraling thinking I'm going to hell (even though I don't believe in Christianity), that I deserve to die for being an abomination and a sinner, and that maybe I truly am a monster like everyone around me, mostly family, has always told me (that's how they talk about queer people).
Literally I just mustered enough bravery earlier today to come out to one of my closest friends and tell them I'm non-binary (they're queer, too), and I've been shaking non-stop for the past hour while my brain keep spiraling. I can easily accept and love others around me who are queer, but when it comes to me? Yeah, nope. Not happening. I feel disgusted by myself, like the scum of the earth. I know I need to be the one to give the first step and live myself unconditionally, but when I do that, I spiral into a very bad place mentally and I end up worse than what I was. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, idk
Lately it's been taking a heavy toll on my mental health. I already struggled with my mental health, and this is just making it worse every day. It hurts, a lot. I wanna be happy and be able to live authentically without having these thoughts, living in constant fear, or feeling disgusted by myself. How do you get rid of the internalized queerphobia? Or at least how do you lessen it? This is wearing down on me, and I really don't know how much longer I can hold up like this before I snap. Thank you in advance for any help 🫂