u/Sufficient_Future683

I've always considered myself a pretty rugged girl. But throughout my life, I've noticed people often comment on my styling (or lack thereof) choices. I've never been one to care about fashion and don't mind having my own little uniform, cycling the same few black aprons or halter tank tops, collared shirts, and turtle necks with simple black jeans, sometimes with a flannel. But yes, I will cycle them repeatedly with no problem. Yet, I've always been told I always wear the same thing, and why don't I change it up? I've even had people give me clothes because of it. Once I learned about being a Taurus and having multiple Taurus conjunctions, especially to my moon, I started to view them as related. Does any other Taurus rising or prominent Taurus placement wear the same thing?

I'm unsure where to even begin. I suppose I always knew I was different and I always knew I was a lesbian, though the exact label came a lot later after believing "i need give men a fair shot." All of that and despite finally being out, a part of me feels like I don't look queer/gay in the right way or something about me is wrong. For example, when I disclose to women, they seem shocked or disappointed or kinda confused. I feel like this interesting feeling disconnect like women want me straight and I'm breaking this code being a lesbian.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about gender and what that means for me and my presentation. And I think for a long time, I tried to externalize my masculine energy. And the responses that I've received has been humbling, to say the least. But it gave me a new perspective on gender. And it's not always the best perspective, because I do sometimes feel like I'm resigning and just settling for what works and what's easy and the path of least resistance. But sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and going, I don't fit in here and I don't fit in here, so I'm nowhere. And I think that's why a lot of people end up calling themselves theys and thems. I think it's because there's an idea that either you're in one sector or one category, or in another category, or you're binary this or binary that, when some people are non-binary. And I think oftentimes non-binary often leans into a masculine presentation. And if you have a more feminine presentation, whether or not you identify with that or not, or simply have feminine features, I feel like that is seen as being more binary feminine. Like, I feel like our ideas of androgyny and non-binary still skews masculine, especially if the masculinity is visible versus if you have a feminine appearance or aesthetic or skews more feminine, it's almost like you're denied that category or that non-binary androgynous space. And I've always felt more masculine, but it's almost like it's very complicated to get other people to recognize that because my features can lean so feminine to some people that I'm denied other spaces that would be more fitting for me. So this has just been something that's been on my mind, especially as I'm coping with the idea that I may never be recognized or seen as the masculine person I've always seen myself to be, or the androgynous person I see myself to be. And I always say masculine because I've always felt that, but always feeling something and having that recognized are two different things. And sometimes I ask myself, is it still my identity or a part of me if I feel this way, but no one else feels it? Or is it just a fantasy? Like, is my masculinity an authentic part of me even if no one sees it? Or is it just a fantasy? Like, I ask myself that question over and over and over again.

I sometimes feel like since coming out as a lesbian, this identity has been extremely difficult for me. And it's because our world is SO heteronormative, homophobic and patriarchal and sexist. To a woman who loves another woman and who desires another woman requires constant self affirmation, A LOT of unlearning, dealing with consistent dismissal, etc. It is exhausting because it's everywhere. And no one tells you how to value a woman over a man. Men this, men that. Women are practically conditioned to be rabid for the male gaze at the expense of our own sexualities and ourselves(whether that be lesbian, bisexual, queer, hell even when you are straight).

I just wish I could live in a world where I could stop fighting, stop having to explain and justify something that should be so natural. But then it isn't natural because women are primed away from recognizing other women as potential romantic and sexual interest or threat.

I feel like everyone's healed while I'm still untangling. How has any of you healed? Like let's be honest (LITERALLY 😅). But I feel like theres this sense of.. misfortune and a lack of resources and support for those battling not only heternormativity, but internalized homophobia. I feel like since coming out, I haven't found any true affirming place without feeling I had to give up myself to fit in.

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So, I feel like I'd never be taken seriously as my truth it seems like I'm always seen as this small girl and it hurts. And it's like sometimes, I wish my features were sharper, I had more facial and body hair, that I was taller, etc. However, it seems like I'll never be perceived in such a way. It's a depressive feeling. I feel one way instead, outside I can't be taken seriously.

I just wanted to share how truama has made it truly difficult to be a happy sexually person. I've been re-traumatized by a very mundane (abandoned cat getting mounted over an attempt at mating by one of the stray cats) experience to many and now I feel like I've gone deep in this spiral where I'm having a difficult time processing the moment.

It's making me feel guilty or like bad for liking women, it really made me grow resentment towards men and it's like.. it has made me look at the female body different. Like I'm violating them or it just makes me a bit like conflicted or confused. It makes me have this weird relationship with my body. Why am I taking out on myself? I just feel like I don't want to see my body and with women, it's making me feel like this predator or like I'm in this weird trauma loop where desiring women is reliving violence but this time I'm the perpetrator. And no. It's not sexy. It's like creating this dissociation. And I am still currently unlearning shame and trying to accept myself and its like boom-- something happens and I'm back at one again. My therapist is handing me to a DBT group and I'm over here making no process. But its like this world is rough.. to live in this world is not compatible with healing.