u/Sufficient_Future683

So, I feel like I'd never be taken seriously as my truth it seems like I'm always seen as this small girl and it hurts. And it's like sometimes, I wish my features were sharper, I had more facial and body hair, that I was taller, etc. However, it seems like I'll never be perceived in such a way. It's a depressive feeling. I feel one way instead, outside I can't be taken seriously.

I just wanted to share how truama has made it truly difficult to be a happy sexually person. I've been re-traumatized by a very mundane (abandoned cat getting mounted over an attempt at mating by one of the stray cats) experience to many and now I feel like I've gone deep in this spiral where I'm having a difficult time processing the moment.

It's making me feel guilty or like bad for liking women, it really made me grow resentment towards men and it's like.. it has made me look at the female body different. Like I'm violating them or it just makes me a bit like conflicted or confused. It makes me have this weird relationship with my body. Why am I taking out on myself? I just feel like I don't want to see my body and with women, it's making me feel like this predator or like I'm in this weird trauma loop where desiring women is reliving violence but this time I'm the perpetrator. And no. It's not sexy. It's like creating this dissociation. And I am still currently unlearning shame and trying to accept myself and its like boom-- something happens and I'm back at one again. My therapist is handing me to a DBT group and I'm over here making no process. But its like this world is rough.. to live in this world is not compatible with healing.

Thought this would be a safe space.

So there's something that happened today that I feel like I need to get off of my chest. Today, my next-door neighbor abandoned her cat, and it was a female cat. And she abandoned the cat midday, early afternoon. And as I was sitting outside, because I just went outside for some fresh air, I noticed one of the male cats that my mom and I feed. We feed a group of, I would say, about three to four cats we feed regularly. And there is a male cat that comes, and he is there, and typically the cat and I have a friendly relationship. I have a cat in my house, so I know that male cat, and he's a black cat. And while I went outside for some fresh air, I saw my neighbor's cat outside. And my mom was at home, and she stood in the screen door, and she said, yeah, our neighbor doesn't want the cat anymore. And then Mom said, yeah, he's been trying to sleep with her. And I looked at the cat cuddling, and at first, to my very innocent eyes, I just assumed they were in a relationship. But I did know the cat trying to get away, but I wasn't really sure what I was looking at. I was just like, maybe the cat, like generally, these were my thoughts. Maybe the cat is a baby, because the cat is very small. I was like, maybe the cat is the baby of this bigger cat, and that's why they're doing a lot of licking. But I was like, wait, they're different colors. And I was like, but maybe, I don't know, maybe it's a baby cat. Like, literally, that was where my mind was going first. And only when my mom introduced the idea that the cat was trying to sleep with and mount that other cat, did

I really start to process what actually was happening. And throughout that time, the cat was trying to get away, swat at the black cat. And the cat just kept trying to mount her, and of course, there's no other way to say this, repopulate with her. And the cat was trying to get away, he would bite the cat's neck, hold it down, the cat would still try to get away, hiss, and all of these things, like let out certain cries. And I was really distraught by this. And as someone who is a victim and survivor of sexual violence, this hit me really hard. So my mom and I finally let the cat in, just to get away from that cat. And I know if I was to have to hear that, and I knew something bad and awful happened, it would re-traumatize me. So it was safer to put the cat inside. But this really got me thinking about women. And as a woman, how vulnerable we were before laws were in place to protect us, and to protect our bodies and protect our autonomy. And right now those rights are being attacked, and I won't deny that. But at least we have something. There is some prosecution that can happen, where people can support you if something like this happens. And the sexual violence I saw with those cats, I immediately made a parallel between the female human experience and the female cat experience.

The only difference is this cat doesn't have systems in place to protect her. And the male cat faced no consequences for what he's doing to her. It made me have to contend with the idea how dangerous the world could be and is, but especially the potential danger of the world, especially if there were no laws in place. And it really had me in my head. And of course, I had already been re-traumatized just seeing the attempt. But it just really made me think how vulnerable women are. And the way that I saw that male cat consistently pursue the female cat, I was very disturbed and bothered by all of it. And I just, I couldn't even take it as, oh, he must be really motivated. Because the cat seemed to be refusing, the female cat was refusing. And I was like, how could you do that? And given the size difference, because again, I thought that the male cat was like the dad or somebody, because the cat was so small. I was disturbed. But again, it just made me have to contend with the idea how vulnerable women and females are in this world. And it just made me reflect on my own safety and humanity, and how grateful that I am to be human, that there's laws in place, especially as a lesbian woman, you know? Because women and our bodies and our boundaries are not protected.

That's a real problem. And I, before, used to shit on women a lot because I would be like, under patriarchy, women have been taught to be competitors and be unfriendly towards other women. And it just made me think, maybe what women experiencing isn't because there's something inherently foul about women, but because women are living in restrictive and unsafe environments that they have to develop all these trauma-based behaviors and strategies just to survive. We're all like crabs in a barrel at this point. And it's very unfortunate, but it made me, it grounded me in the reality of the violence that women face, and some of the behaviors and patterns that we see in female populations, and how they're the manifestation of such unsafety and cruelty and powerlessness, and violation and exploitation. So I made this more to like put down my thoughts, because I just could not sit with this anymore. I felt like I had to get it out, because what happened today just made me feel very unsafe, especially in a very lawless world. Like, imagine if the world was lawless, imagine how vulnerable women would be.

It made me think, men can't even control themselves. Again, this was like me being in fight or flight. I know a lot of groups of people are different, men are different, women are different. But it just made me think, if there was no laws in place, as a lesbian, if I say no to a man, will I be attacked the same way this female cat would be? My sexuality isn't respected, my autonomy, my boundaries aren't respected. Like, and then even women who are attracted to men, it's also violent and very dehumanizing as well, too. So just overall, it was very, I guess, humbling, because it brought me down to earth about the violence that women face and how vulnerable we are.

So there's something that happened today that I feel like I need to get off of my chest. Today, my next-door neighbor abandoned her cat, and it was a female cat. And she abandoned the cat midday, early afternoon. And as I was sitting outside, because I just went outside for some fresh air, I noticed one of the male cats that my mom and I feed. We feed a group of, I would say, about three to four cats we feed regularly. And there is a male cat that comes, and he is there, and typically the cat and I have a friendly relationship. I have a cat in my house, so I know that male cat, and he's a black cat. And while I went outside for some fresh air, I saw my neighbor's cat outside. And my mom was at home, and she stood in the screen door, and she said, yeah, our neighbor doesn't want the cat anymore. And then Mom said, yeah, he's been trying to sleep with her. And I looked at the cat cuddling, and at first, to my very innocent eyes, I just assumed they were in a relationship. But I did know the cat trying to get away, but I wasn't really sure what I was looking at. I was just like, maybe the cat, like generally, these were my thoughts. Maybe the cat is a baby, because the cat is very small. I was like, maybe the cat is the baby of this bigger cat, and that's why they're doing a lot of licking. But I was like, wait, they're different colors. And I was like, but maybe, I don't know, maybe it's a baby cat. Like, literally, that was where my mind was going first. And only when my mom introduced the idea that the cat was trying to sleep with and mount that other cat, did

I really start to process what actually was happening. And throughout that time, the cat was trying to get away, swat at the black cat. And the cat just kept trying to mount her, and of course, there's no other way to say this, repopulate with her. And the cat was trying to get away, he would bite the cat's neck, hold it down, the cat would still try to get away, hiss, and all of these things, like let out certain cries. And I was really distraught by this. And as someone who is a victim and survivor of sexual violence, this hit me really hard. So my mom and I finally let the cat in, just to get away from that cat. And I know if I was to have to hear that, and I knew something bad and awful happened, it would re-traumatize me. So it was safer to put the cat inside. But this really got me thinking about women. And as a woman, how vulnerable we were before laws were in place to protect us, and to protect our bodies and protect our autonomy. And right now those rights are being attacked, and I won't deny that. But at least we have something. There is some prosecution that can happen, where people can support you if something like this happens. And the sexual violence I saw with those cats, I immediately made a parallel between the female human experience and the female cat experience.

The only difference is this cat doesn't have systems in place to protect her. And the male cat faced no consequences for what he's doing to her. It made me have to contend with the idea how dangerous the world could be and is, but especially the potential danger of the world, especially if there were no laws in place. And it really had me in my head. And of course, I had already been re-traumatized just seeing the attempt. But it just really made me think how vulnerable women are. And the way that I saw that male cat consistently pursue the female cat, I was very disturbed and bothered by all of it. And I just, I couldn't even take it as, oh, he must be really motivated. Because the cat seemed to be refusing, the female cat was refusing. And I was like, how could you do that? And given the size difference, because again, I thought that the male cat was like the dad or somebody, because the cat was so small. I was disturbed. But again, it just made me have to contend with the idea how vulnerable women and females are in this world. And it just made me reflect on my own safety and humanity, and how grateful that I am to be human, that there's laws in place, especially as a lesbian woman, you know? Because women and our bodies and our boundaries are not protected.

That's a real problem. And I, before, used to shit on women a lot because I would be like, under patriarchy, women have been taught to be competitors and be unfriendly towards other women. And it just made me think, maybe what women experiencing isn't because there's something inherently foul about women, but because women are living in restrictive and unsafe environments that they have to develop all these trauma-based behaviors and strategies just to survive. We're all like crabs in a barrel at this point. And it's very unfortunate, but it made me, it grounded me in the reality of the violence that women face, and some of the behaviors and patterns that we see in female populations, and how they're the manifestation of such unsafety and cruelty and powerlessness, and violation and exploitation. So I made this more to like put down my thoughts, because I just could not sit with this anymore. I felt like I had to get it out, because what happened today just made me feel very unsafe, especially in a very lawless world. Like, imagine if the world was lawless, imagine how vulnerable women would be.

It made me think, men can't even control themselves. Again, this was like me being in fight or flight. I know a lot of groups of people are different, men are different, women are different. But it just made me think, if there was no laws in place, as a lesbian, if I say no to a man, will I be attacked the same way this female cat would be? My sexuality isn't respected, my autonomy, my boundaries aren't respected. Like, and then even women who are attracted to men, it's also violent and very dehumanizing as well, too. So just overall, it was very, I guess, humbling, because it brought me down to earth about the violence that women face and how vulnerable we are.

So for many years I've always had questions about my gender. Ever since I was a child (I am a biological female), I've always envisioned myself as male characters. For example I always tell myself as shark boy from sharkboy and lavagirl or even envisioning myself as Michael Jackson. At first it started off as admiration but it became deeper to the point where I generally felt like men spoke in a language that I could understand and that if I were to be speaking or for example if I was listening to music, I felt like when it was a male singer, that they were speaking and emoting in the way that I felt and the way that I thought.

I also used to have these male characters in my mind that I would be in my daily life. Even when I was dating men before coming out as lesbian I always saw myself as being in a gay relationship with them or something similar. Like I never saw myself with them as a woman. And sometimes I feel this dissociative State when I am in a more womanly role. And this was just a little quirk of mine something that I kept internally for a long time. But recently I've been thinking what if I have gender dysphoria? But then I also asked myself but when did that mean I'm transgender? Is having gender dysphoria the same thing as being trans? My relationship with my body is very neutral but I do want more masculine features such as a sharper jawline, a more masculine frame, more muscle definition in some places, more facial hair. But I like the balance that I have already. Meaning not looking hyper masculine but looking like having more masculine features that I do now. But I'm undecided on my body or whether or not I would want to take hormones for that. So I feel like I'm in a very unique position because of all these things. Well whether or not my experience even qualifies. And I don't want to step on anyone's toes or co-op an identity that doesn't fit my experience.

So, really, just looking for advice and your own stories of having gender dysphoria and being trans, or if that's different a different thing for you.

So I wanted to share my thoughts about being in a lesbian spaces, coming out as a lesbian, meeting other lesbians. Initially, when I came out I expected the lesbian community to be this welcoming place for I got to be free. However, I feel like ever since coming out I've never felt more unhappy. I feel like the lesbian community has more rigidity than any space and I've been in and I dated men before and there was some things I felt was more allowed that wasn't allowed when I joined a lesbian space. For example I felt like when I was with men, there was more space to desire femininity. But being with women that same femininity was deemed as heteronormative, discouraged, and even dismissed as not being real, lacking tension and chemistry, etc.

This has really taken a toll on my sexuality and I feel like I almost have to conform to queer standards especially regarding attraction just to be taken seriously as a lesbian person. And I'm unsure where I fall on the scale of feminine person to masculine person. I've always felt more masculine however externally I feel like my features would place me more in the femme category. And I feel like with that presentation, because of how I look, then I'm forced to be with someone to "balance" me out such as a masculine presenting person. That has not only taken a toll my sexuality, but my attraction to femininity, my confidence in myself and my ability to navigate relationships with women. For example I felt more free and more confident when I wasn't in a lesbian space.

I've also struggle to make friends with other lesbian women. I feel like especially as a late bloomer lesbian, I just feel very disconnected like we don't get each other and that they're not always welcoming. I guess to sum this all up, I think I just felt as if I was sold a fantasy of what the lesbian community was going to be like only to encounter rigid heteronormative (masc/femme rigidity) rules about representation and who is seen as authentically lesbian, femmephobia, surprisingly misogyny and internalized homophobia that is not being acknowledged.

Anyone else have had similar experience? I just feel let down..