r/blacklesbians

a Black (straight) trans woman coming out and defending lesbians has made me feel so supported and seen, i cant even put it into words.

i so appreciate her sharing her opinion and experiences, defending lesbians against the types of hyper-online non-lesbians who act like we are the greatest oppressors of the community and perpetuate lesbophobia while also denying it exists. i just appreciate her so much

Drop in and let us know what you’re getting into today...

Hey hey

So idk if I'm coming here to vent or to seek advise but idk what to do.

I am a 27 year old woman with a kid. I love women since I was young but I've never slept with a woman before (I want to but the opportunity never arise). Everyone knows my sexuality except my parents and my big sister. Well, that big sister found out recently because I was seeing someone and wanted to meet up with her but lied about where I was going then all hell broke loose. We share an apartment together but its in her name. She threatened to kicked me out and now says she's seeing be differently and we aren't as close as we use to be. I didnt tell her my sexuality until recently because she has been saying things about people in the queer community for years, even about people in our family who are gay/lesbian. She has talked about how she hates it and despises it so much and how god doesnt like it etc.

We were ale to have an open conversation after all of that and I told her that I havent like kissed or been intimate with a woman. She said to me "I know you. It's just a faze." I'm like what??? I'm 27 years old. Being attracted to women is and will never be a faze. She even said that if I did anything, I should not bring those kind of things around my child (as I said, she has wild views on it all). I told her that I know I will end up marrying a woman and want to live an open lifestyle. She disagrees with the entire queer lifestyle and she is someone who's opinion I value so now I am stuck and dont know where to go from here.

I’m not a party person. I hate being in large crowds with the music bumping so loudly I can’t even hear my own thoughts. I prefer more slower forms of community building like events surrounding a theme of literature, gaming, etc.

Problem is, though, is that I live in NYC and it’s damn near hard to find other Black lesbians if there isn’t partying or alcohol involved 😭. I feel like a little bit of a prude but I’m just extremely introverted and anything partying related makes me anxious and stressed!

Where are the Black lesbians who take life in at a slower pace!!

It could be because they seek too much reassurance, are insecure, have odd habits, really anything. Also on the flip side do you know anyone that stopped dealing with you because they thought you were annoying/draining?

Does anyone else feel like a lot of lesbian/queer women’s spaces in NYC are still very white dominated?

I’m a black lesbian and a native New Yorker, and while I want to put myself out there more, I’ve noticed that a lot of lesbian bars/events don’t always feel as inclusive as they’re marketed to be. Often times, the vibe feels very cliquey, Uptight, and weird transplant-heavy, and as a person of color it can feel like I’m entering a space where I’m technically “allowed,” but not necessarily welcomed.

For other black lesbians/queer women of color in NYC, where do you actually feel comfortable going? Are there bars, events, parties, meetups, or spaces that feel more genuinely inclusive and less awkward/cliquey?

30th birthday.

Today, I’ve turned 30 years old.

Before today… I knew I wanted to, & was going to spend my birth date reflecting on my life thus far in its entirety.

At 30, a major lesson I’ve been learning & dissecting is how to deal with grief & how it comes.

How I initially intended to spend my 30th, did not come to fruition unfortunately.

I experienced a severe case of grief back in March of this year & at this point in the year, i am still dealing with the effects of it.

Despite the things I did do leading up to today… I wish I could’ve experienced parts of turning 30 with people I care about where I currently live.

Outside of that, I’m nervous for what my 30s will present to me in terms of a work life, & my personal life. I want to flirt with the curiosities of my 30s. The what-ifs in their full capacity.

I want to discover more of who I am as a creative woman, & a lesbian who has fully embraced myself as one after trying to figure it out for 15 years, despite knowing at 14.

I want to fall in love with life. That’s not really something I’ve done before or at least have felt like I came close to that feeling before.

I want to know myself inside & out, without someone shaping my experiences to where I feel as if I don’t know myself. I know myself, better than anyone else.

My intentions for turning 30, was for me to feel a sense of belonging. “Belonging” looked like safety, laughter, & closeness with people I care about. Friends I spent a significant amount of time with in my free time.

Especially after moving states away from what I’m used to, crafting friendships in my adulthood, & really just finding my footing with this adulting thing.

My late 20s have been heavily centered around exploring how I identify as a demisexual lesbian, building what feels like community to me away from home, emotional vulnerability, rediscovering my creative identity through photography, cinematography, & graphic design, & trying to develop a life that I deserve for myself by the time I’m in my 40s & 50s that maybe I can even fit someone into later down the road, as well as other hidden parts of who I am as a person.

Trauma played a huge part in my 20s as well.

My grief took up space for a lot of those things, but I think the bigger picture is how I now choose to occupy those spaces at 30 for myself.

My 30s belong to the art I’ll make, how I identify as a lesbian, being gentle with myself, resting, healing, platonic relationships & the intimacy that comes with it, & a career change among a variety of other things.

I want to do everything that I want to do that brings me happiness without finding myself putting my emotional & mental state in the hands of someone who is making a tangible decision to feed my traumas back to me while knowing the negative impact those events had on me.

Turning 30 today doesn’t feel less special because I didn’t spend it with people I care about, but I think the special part is spending it with honesty.

Grief, growth, solitude, reciprocity, creativity, longing, yearning, all of those concepts I hope to genuinely discover through future interactions with people I haven’t met yet.

Moving forward… I just want to create & do well for myself in life, without feeling as if I’m solely surviving. I’m going to now allow myself the freedom to freely explore how I identify. I do not want to shrink myself to make someone else feel seen. I want to give myself a life of more peace, despite not having peace while dealing with my grief.

Here’s to good experiences in my 30s.

Did anyone else household shy away from sex? Growing up, I remember my mom never telling me anything about how babies were made. I had to learn in 4th grade from a classmate, lol! I get it, it can be hard to talk to kids about that, but my mom treated it like some nasty thing that should never be done.

Or not being taught about your body. My mom hated using proper words for body parts.

Did anyone else grow up that way?

i tried putting myself out there again after a breakup, and now i’m honestly just triggered and regretting it.
i’ve been single for about 7 months, and i finally felt like i was in a genuine place to start hooking up with people again, as i actually enjoy that part of being single.
long story short, the person i ended up sleeping with completely disrespected my boundaries and triggered me in ways i haven’t felt in years. she had little to no regard for my comfort or the boundaries i clearly communicated. from doing anal on me when she never asked permission to, only asked if I’d done it earlier in the day, to climbing on top of me naked while i was asking her to just take me closer to my house, she seemed completely unwilling to hear “no” if it got in the way of the “heat of the moment”. she tries to play these things off as “dominant” but it’s straight up assault & it was scary.

what probably bothered me the most was that she kept trying to flip it around and act like i had asked for these things or changed my mind. and even if i had changed my mind, people are allowed to do that. instead, she blamed me for her being naked and horny (mind you! didn’t even realize she had taken off her clothes the second time), like i somehow owed her something. that’s ultimately what made me get out of her car.
after she finally drove me home, she started getting all whiny, asking why I was being weird and trying to go, and then asked if i could go around the corner with her while she got dressed. i did not.

i texted her today to let her know i wouldn’t be continuing things, and she somehow blamed it on my autism amongst a lot of other triggering bullshit lmao. this experience didn’t completely deter me from putting myself back out there, but i’m really bummed out. i’m trying not to victim blame myself or reach back out because of this weird guilt i’m feeling. if you made it this far, thanks for reading lol.

What is everyone playing this week? Drop your favorite cozy game, kill of the week, favorite new update. Single players, rpg demons, cozy girlies...all all welcome.

Yall, I remember I was in 6th grade and I used to wear jackets over my tank top. This time, it was unzipped. We were walking to connections (classes like art, band, gym) and i was walking to home economics (I forgot the name of the class, I just remember being taught about cooking, cleaning, handwashing etc.) and there were kids lined up by the wall getting ready to go in the class. This girl who I used to be cool with was lined up. I walked up to her and before I could open my mouth, she grabbed my tank top, looked in my tank top and said "your boobs are small"

Ever since that day, i've hated having small boobs. Has anyone else ever had something similar happen to them? And like, I feel like that would spill over into dating so if anyone has had insecurities like that, how would you handle it not getting in the way of dating?

Yes, I make a lot of posts about dating, i'm just young and curious 🥲

Im new to the restaurant industry and i recently got a job serving. Before this job i barely ever had interactions with men and also i have always found men scary and too aggressive. I never used to make eye contact with them either until i got this job. I quickly learned that a man going out to eat alone is there to just flirt with the server and make me uncomfortable (90% of the time). Its worse if they have a ring on their left hand.

I am someone that likes to talk bc i grew up very sheltered and would go days without speaking as a kid bc there was no one to talk to most days so now that i work i try and talk as much as i can to customers. I actually work two jobs just for human interaction. My paychecks look good but i care about human interaction slightly more than the money. Anyways i noticed i was getting the lowest tips from guys who i would talk to and laugh at their jokes whatever even after they were the one calling me over just to chat and purposely staying at the restaurant for over an hour. The thing is i noticed a pattern: i talk to them about random stuff just normal conversation, they make a sexual comment, ask me out, i say no, they continue to stay amd talk to me, then when its time to pay they leave less than $5 top for around an hour of my time. Last night i was speaking to a male customer for an hour and 30 mins bc he kept saying he cant decide on what he wants so of course i was telling him about the menu and then he asks if he can take me out on his motorcycle to golden corral -_-. I said no and he left a $3 tip.

Confused on why the tip was so low when i thought we were having a regular conversation and he spent almost $50 on food for himself. i posted in the server subreddit asking this question and most of the comments from women were telling me i was sending the wrong message by talking to them. I just feel really bad about myself lol. Im not sure how a regular conversation means i want to fuck or go out with you. Some days at the restaurant its slow so i have time to talk a little bit longer but i was under the impression that if i make the customer feel seen and not ignore them then id get better tips but its literally having the opposite effect on older horny men. Im so irritated. I just want to talk to people myself sometimes. Men are so disgusting and foul i don't understand why they are like this. Absolutely nothing appealing about them.

My manager also tells me he goes out to eat to look at the server and flirt maybe get her number so i thought if i just act like myself and be social id get nicer tips. Idk im just feeling awful and i have nobody to share this with. Not too mention getting attention from other queer/lesbian women is like pulling teeth but just existing as a women will get you all the unwanted attention from guys. And no matter what you do everything is "sending the wrong message"

I’m looking for a serious, wholesome long-term relationship. My dating pool is already limited & I prefer feminine-presenting women who take actual initiative for myriad reasons. I recently re-matched (we matched on another dating app before earlier this yr but the convo fizzled out & I forgot about her until she sent me this new like on a different app) w a woman who initially showed a lot of interest and even suggested we hop on a phone call to coordinate a first date.

I agreed to the phone call & tried to match her schedule but she dropped the ball. She didn't follow up on the call after I happily agreed & left me hanging on a specific date (July 10th) we were discussing. After a couple of days of silence, I sent a text letting her know I was disappointed by the lack of direct response & was going ahead w other plans.

Instead of accountability, she sent back a massive, clinical, defensive wall of text. She listed her job working in private equity, her studying for CPA, her house, & her dog as an exclusive badge of busyness. But it read to me as a lecture on "priorities" and time management, as if she is the only person juggling a demanding adult life w both professional & social commitments.

Out of pure frustration & feeling like my time had been wasted, I briefly switched to a more casual, flirtatious gear, which she leaned into; proving she had time to play text games but not to actually plan a hangout. When I finally called out the double standard & her lack of basic follow-through, she sent a short, dismissive reply saying we "aren't a good fit."

I’m just so exhausted. I manage a high-stakes career, fitness routines, a home, etc. yet I still manage to treat people w basic respect & keep my word. It feels like as soon as you ask for accountability or a simple phone call, people hide behind "busy" excuses or clinical therapy jargon bc apps give them an illusion of endless choice.

Btw, I garner interest but I’m looking for specific traits in a partner so it’s not often I come across a woman IRL or online who captures my curiosity; alas, I’m bummed bc yet another girl who checked so many boxes didn’t check the genuine interest, direct communication, follow-through, & intentionality ones.

I'm feeling really heavy, sad, & discouraged tn. Has anyone else dealt with this specific type of clinical, preoccupied energy on the apps? How do you keep yourself from putting up massive walls when genuine vulnerability just gets you disrespected?

How have any of you dealt with work taking away from your relationship with your partner? My gf started a new job about 4 months ago and she is just constantly focused on work and it is bringing her alot of stress. I've tried everything I can to support her and have conversations with her about maybe dimming down the talk about work but she hasn't really stopped coming home and just talking about work for hours. Im all in for listening but I also understand that there has to be balance. Its really taking away from our quality time and our romance. I'm kind of at a loss at what to do. And yes I have had this conversation with her and she was receptive but nothing has changed. I just feel alone in our relationship now.

What are some ways you can support/ be supportive to your neurodivergent partner (specifically autism and adhd) ?

Also, how do you handle conflict? And just generally understanding them as a person?

Any anecdotes would be appreciated.