u/freethotsfreethought

sorry for the spam lol but i’m indecisive when it comes to changing up my hair. i cut my locs off and now i am natural but besides that, just curious about which of these y’all think fits me :) i don’t wear wigs often, they itch

locs
baldie
braids
wig

i like this girl, i’m also a girl. she’s sweet and i want to get to know her better. what does her chart suggest?

Like everyone else here, thought this was the love of my life. I (f, 26) never related to that desire to get married except with her (f,27). we had taken a break because school was getting so overwhelming for me, I failed a class. I’m really hard on myself and at the time i felt like i wasn’t focused enough and that she didn’t care much but wanted my time (I have autism and adhd, of course i’d choose fun or doing nothing w my partner over homework.). She has her degree already. But it’s my responsibility, I should’ve had stronger boundaries with getting my work done. I needed to reassess, struggling to figure out what I need, convince myself I can’t handle focusing on both (find out quickly that I am a fearful avoidant, ever since been working at/paying attention to it). She won’t wait around and is not interested in friendship. Fair! We both stood on what we needed.

Fast forward 3 months, we reconcile but I’m putting in OT showing her that I’m not going anywhere. Naturally I’m already very expressive about my emotions, but she would go mute shrink, or run with any (negative) deep, challenging, or uncomfortable conversations. This got better, she starts communicating. One day as she’s leaving my house, she asks if I messed with anyone else during our break after initially saying she didn’t wanna know. She says it’s her anxiety, and I completely understand that needs a lot more reassurance during this time. “I just need a lot of words of affirmation from you now”. I tell her about a friend who admitted liking me after hearing about our breakup, but I was in no headspace to pursue that (and did not). Come to find out, my DA still going on dates and driving to another state to go drink and fck someone else on multiple occasions. (she told me they were just her friends, and when referring to me, i was just her friend). I noticed little things, her taking long to text back, having more FT calls than usual, going out like every day. but none of this actually bothered me. i thought it was good for us to miss each other and i was happy she was being social. i was dead-set on easing her anxiety through my actions. if we were to categorize my behavior since we reconciled, i don’t think it was leaning anxious but i had little moments of questioning.

I don’t understand, why reconcile if you wanted to have options? Why say “i thought that was obvious” when I brought up being exclusive? why lie about every single thing and future fake? why not tell me the truth- or even your dates who you owe no loyalty to.. the truth. if i knew I had “competition” I woulda worked even harder! why can’t you give me a straight answer “not that i remember…” “not dating, but…” we weren’t intimate again bc I had a hard boundary with testing (thank god) and she just got new insurance, needed to set up appt, etc. but it’s sick to know she had someone else’s pum in her mouth then kiss me the next day. you invite me over directly after your date (another “friend”), saying we should watch the movie. telling me to watch your favorite show while you talk to another girl about it and flirting. you ask me what you should say to cancel on the girl you’re fucking.

you don’t wanna put all your eggs in one basket, fair. but tell the god damn truth for once. i even feel bad for the girl she was dating for two months cause the very little emotional capacity she did have was saved for me. the girl was going insane and really liked her too. sending her lots of messages to get a thumbs up.

The situation started bc I ask about her time out, mention she glossed over it when she usually tells me more details. Immediately asks if I went through her phone. no, but now- what’s in your phone? my fault for seeking the truth, expecting a liar to not lie but i wanted to know the last time she was intimate. according to her, end of april. the girl says may 12th, the exact date i expected. I have such deep betrayal wounds that i am working at in therapy. I am very self aware but also traumatized. I thought i made progress. but when i confronted her the final time, she got uncomfortable, she ran. I should have let her go. but I acted impulsively and grabbed spray painted from my backseat and went to town. she then drove into my car. it was so toxic and i’m not proud of how i reacted. part of me blames myself because if i didn’t break up with her this wouldn’t have happened. or maybe it would.

i thought we were best friends. my mom loved her, letting me know she is proud of me and would throw us a wedding if we decided to get married (she’s religious). i loved her family. her dog. our “things” (matching halloween and christmas pjs, cafe dates, walks, themed outings). i even got her a mother’s day gift for being a dog mom lol. i adored her. just never saw her doing this. i realized too late that i didn’t wanna lose her from my life. i showed up authentically and intentionally, she got her get back. this happens and the next my sister is in the hospital for an attempt. it was so much. i just wanted her there. even through all this bullshit. but she shut me out. and i still think highly of her. nothing i can do now. “better these days”… this was last weekend. the corporate bullshit is the most infuriating part. since, i’ve eaten at least 6 pints ice cream (one each day), smoking more weed, driving around crying. but i’m done wallowing, In the morning, I’m hitting the gym. one day this’ll just be a distant memory. i know this whole post screams young and i have plenty of time but for the foreseeable future I am staying single lol. if anyone read this, thank you.