I have been dealing with bulimia for over 10 years. Some of those years, I haven't been trying to let it go in all honestly. It has been left to run my life, and caused me a lot of pain. In those darker periods, it felt more like something I couldn't beat and so it was better to live along side it than try to fight it.
However, for the most part, I have been trying to recover. I have been in 4 different types of therapy, 3 different types of pyschedelic therapy and worked myself on workbooks, journals, yoga and sound healing. I've tried GLP 1's (that has been helping a lot) and food planning, logging, fasting and mindfulness eating- it feels like I've tried a huge amount of modalities. I teach yoga and meditation part time (20 hrs or so a week).
Yet, the problem still sits here, just waiting for a stressor or a reason to re emerge. So I am not healed or free.
My boyfriend of 6byears has been a part of my life and this disease has been with us during that time. He is encouraging me to go on a 10 day vipassana, and I have said I want to go for 5 days and leave early. I feel with a lot of certainty I can't do 10 days. I want to come back home after 5 days, but we have been having rows about it as he says I am setting myself up to leave early and I should leave my schedule free in case I want to do 10 days.
I have lots of yoga planned in for the rest of my time off, including a session that I've planned and put a lot of time/ people have paid to come to. I kind of messed up with the dates there, but I still want to host it.
Now he has said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where we aren't growing, or something to that tune, and I feel so uncomfortable with that. It feels like a hidden threat, that if I dont cancel all my sessions for the entire 10 days, our relationship is at threat.
I understand also where he is coming from. He wants me to give my recovery everything, and I might feel similar if my partner had an addiction- but it feels fear based. I feel sick and stressed and just drained. What are your honest thoughts on this, considering both sides fairly?
Also, I know vipassana isn't an ED recovery center. I know i shouldnt plan for a short stay. I know it's disrespectful. But I want to try and see if it could help me just a little bit, whilst also being realistic about my limitations. Teaching my yoga and moving regularly helps my mental health. I feel 5 days is the right amount of time. But also wonder if it is my ED giving me an out. I feel so confused, and would appreciate your thoughts as outsiders.