u/Intelligent_Band_332

I turn 50 next month, and in the past 7 years I have learned that I am queer, I am autistic, and that I have the MCAS/EDS/POTS trifecta. All this info would have been nice to have from the jump but, ok.

Today I think I discovered that I am an empath and it manifests physically. I’ve always known I’m hyper empathetic. I can feel the slightest shift in mood, tell when someone is not who they are performing, and am vulnerable to emotional contagion. I cry really embarrassingly at movies, music, etc.

I figured it was the CTPSD (grew up in a cult and abusive family, wheeeee) and the tism.

But today something clicked. I am an academic advisor and adjunct professor. I spend my M-F on a university campus with 10k students, in an office suite with 12 colleagues. Not an open plan, thank god.

I was in my office all day today and, as the day wore on, I started feeling crappier and crappier. I’m really sensitive to changes in barometric pressure. That queasiness and the heavy feeling I get behind my eyes when the air pressure suddenly drops hit me. Heavy. But the air pressure wasn’t dropping. I just felt a need to “get out of here now”. Made it to my car, and had to take deep breaths to calm the nausea. I get a couple blocks from campus and it just lifts. Poof. I feel fine.

It is finals week. Students are stressed, folks are burnt, angst abounds.

I really think I was physically feeling the weight of a lot of that angst.

Bc when I left campus it stopped. And it hit me that this had happened before. Two summers ago I was on vacation in Maine and toured a civil war fort. Same thing happened but worse. It was dark and scary and heavier. But once I left I was fine. Lots of other examples. Enough for it to be a pattern.

So does the pattern fit or am I overthinking? I’ve recently started meditating and opening up/expanding. Maybe I opened up something I closed out of survival?

If true, I am kinda shook that I managed to not know this about myself for 50 years. I mean I have always had a talent for blocking things—memories, feelings, my sexuality, haha. But to not know this? Ugh. Now I have to figure this out at 50?

So, am I overthinking this?

OK. So I’ve been doing the gateway tapes for just over a week now and finding it utterly fascinating. It has been perspective shifting, which is great, but there are also these interesting effects that I’m hoping folks might have insight into. “phosphenes”.

I was unaware there was a name for this or that not everyone sees them. Ever since I can remember, when I close my eyes, I can see these scores of tiny tiny dots, almost like glitter, moving across my vision, but like not all the way across. It’s like there is some sort of tunnel or portal that they are moving through like a stream. Again, this has been a thing my whole life.

Now, since I’ve been doing the gateway tapes these dots expand across more of my vision , they are making patterns like veins or water systems and flowing. But, just like when I was a child, I cannot focus on them too much or they vanish.

In my brief time in focus 10, I’ve almost been able to sort of imagine myself turning into them or following them through that portal. I’m kinda stalled in f10 though bc I can’t stop worrying about my breathing. But, I digress. Phosphenes. So now I can see them when my eyes are open. Sometimes I just see them now and if I’m not seeing them, I can concentrate and make myself see them.

Ok what? What are these things? Has anyone else had this experience? I have some ideas but I’d love to hear thoughts because this is like half freaking me out and blowing my mind.