I wonder if I might have selective mutism
I only learned about SM recently. I’ve watched some videos and read a number of posts where people shared their experiences, but I’m still not sure. So I want to share some of my own experiences. And if you think that “this isn’t SM,” or that it might be something else, please let me know!
I think I may have had SM when I was younger, and now that I’m in my 20s, it has improved a lot. I’ve always been an introverted person. I could spend an entire day at school without communicating, while at home I can talk with my family, and sometimes I even talk to myself.
I’ve also experienced moments where I wanted to speak but couldn’t. I would open my mouth to talk, but the words would get stuck in my throat, even though everything I wanted to say was already clear in my mind. On the other hand, in some situations I also consciously choose to stay silent and not communicate.
In addition, I’ve experienced situations like these:
• I feel pressured by my surroundings into staying silent. Even when there is a close friend I could talk to, I still can’t open up or speak more.
• I’m especially afraid of becoming the center of attention. Sometimes when I’m speaking and realize I’ve been talking too long and people are focusing on me, I start to feel flustered, stutter, and cut my story short just to end it quickly.
• There was a time I wanted to try live streaming and telling stories, but in the end I just turned on the stream, pointed the camera at my notebook, and didn’t say anything the entire time. I couldn’t speak and felt scared - even a simple greeting was impossible for me.
• There have also been times when I suddenly stopped speaking so people wouldn’t pay attention to me anymore, but they were still waiting for me to respond or continue, which made me feel pressured.
• Although I can now speak more and make small talk, in many situations I still hesitate when I’m about to speak and end up not saying anything at all. In those moments, it feels like there’s a fire burning inside me.
Thank you in advance for reading this.