r/selectivemutism

I’m getting married next year but I have literally 0 friends to invite, while my boyfriend has a good amount of friends and family he’s inviting. For my family I also have like 5 people I can invite while he’s inviting a huge amount of family. I honestly wanted a small wedding so it’d be less embarrassing but I’m not going to stop him from inviting everyone he wants. What should I do? I feel like it’ll be really embarrassing and his friends and family will look down on me. I mean they obviously know I’m selectively mute, but I feel like having 0 friends is really sad.

Should I try to make friends? I don’t think I’ll be able to keep one due to my selective mutism though
Any advice?

I don't talk at school. Not because I'm shy. It's like my throat closes up. The words are there, I can feel them, but they won't come out.

They've always made fun of me for it. Called me names. Ignored me. Most days I just keep my head down and survive.

But last week was different.

I was at my locker, putting my books away. A group of them came over. I knew what was coming. I could feel my hands start to shake.

One of them said, "Hey. Talk to us."

I shook my head. I couldn't. They knew I couldn't.

"Come on. Just say something. Anything."

I opened my mouth. Nothing. Just that awful silence. My face got hot. I could feel them watching me.

Then one of them laughed and said, "Fine. Then sing. Sing us a song."

I thought he was joking. I looked at him, begging with my eyes. Please. Don't do this.

He wasn't joking. They all started saying it. "Sing. Sing. Sing."

My heart was pounding. My hands were shaking so bad I dropped my pencil case. Everything spilled on the floor. I bent down to pick it up, hoping they'd get bored and leave.

They didn't.

One of them grabbed my arm and pulled me back up. "Sing," he said again. "Happy Birthday. It's easy."

I couldn't breathe. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears. Tears were starting to come, and I hated it. I hated that they could see me cry.

So I did it. I opened my mouth and I tried to sing.

It was horrible. My voice cracked. It came out all wrong, like I was choking. The words were barely there. I could hear how stupid I sounded. I could see them smiling.

I stopped. I couldn't keep going. My face was burning. I was humiliated.

But they weren't done. "Keep going," someone said. "You're not done yet."

So I kept going. I sang the whole thing. Every broken, humiliating word. My voice was shaking. My eyes were wet. And they just stood there, watching me, like I was entertainment.

When I finished, nobody said anything for a second. Then they laughed. Not a mean laugh, just a laugh. Like it was funny. Like I was funny.

One of them patted my shoulder and said, "Not bad." And they walked away.

I stood there for a long time. Just staring at the floor. My throat hurt. My face was still wet. I felt so small.

That night I went home and didn't tell anyone. My mom asked how my day was. I just shrugged. I couldn't even tell her.

Because how do you explain that you sang Happy Birthday like a broken toy just to make them stop? How do you explain that you couldn't stop yourself? That you just did what they said because you were so scared?

I don't talk. That's my thing. That's who I am. But that day, they made me talk. And sing. And cry. And I did it all.

And the worst part? The worst part is I don't know if I'll ever stop hearing their laughter. Or my own voice, cracking and breaking, trying to sing a stupid song I didn't want to sing.

I hate that memory. I hate that I gave it to them.

I never supported pseudo science, I've always thought it was a gimmick.

What are your honest thoughts

I'm a 22 year old male in the UK. I got my diagnosis last month, Since then I've been going through a pretty severe burnout and skill regression. As I've grown up I've managed to be high functioning through time however when I was a young child I now realize I had selective mutism. I never had any treatment or diagnosis until recently but could only talk to a handful of people until I got to around 8 or 9 and since then I've been progressing my communication skills, I've always struggled to speak but the more I grew up I gained the ability to follow scripts etc so I mainly say the same things to everyone I see on a daily basis but as an adult I was at the point of being able to speak to nearly everyone at some level.

Since my diagnosis I've faced significant challenges talking, even with close family and my fiancee and I just don't know what to say and can't explain it. I can no longer talk to strangers etc and I'm just wondering if this is temporary or am I realizing that this is what I've been like all along? I'm confused about the unmasking process, but I've had severe anxiety and depression since the diagnosis and just would like some advice in general, sorry if this isn't worded very well I'm still struggling to put what I'm going through into words. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Hii , does anyone know what might cause selective mutism, OCD, social anxiety in young children ? Right now, I am 22 but as a child I had all of these. I’m a researcher now and I’m trying to figure out what caused it, whether it was purely genetic or due to my childhood trauma ? My mom had always been in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship and my dad used to beat me even as a 5 year old. My dad couldn’t show affection and he continually made us move homes or left us to work overseas. We were also quite poor and lived in India at the time but then we moved overseas to Australia when I was 7. After that my anxiety got a bit better and over time I grew out of the selective mutism by highschool age. Just curious, is it more like my genetic / epigenetics programming caused these issues or was it the childhood? My mum said her pregnancy with me was rough and my dad was very abusive and sometimes she didn’t even get to eat enough. I was also born a bit underweight. Also, how come the OCD went away on its own ? Also I really don’t think I’m autistic , so that can’t be the cause.

Alogia, also known as “poverty of speech” or “poverty of thought,” is a psychiatric and neurological symptom characterized by a significant decrease in the amount of spontaneous speech. People with alogia may give brief, one-word answers, take abnormally long pauses, or speak in a vague, repetitive manner.

Anyone else with SM or recovered SM struggle with this? I know this is frequently seen in autism, which I highly suspect I have, but I’m curious to know if it’s common among people with SM and a contributing factor.

I feel like a huge part of why I didn’t speak when I had SM (outside of anxiety) and why I barely speak now, is because my brain genuinely doesn’t generate any thoughts, regardless of whether anxiety is present. I fit the description of this symptom to a tee. I take a long time to respond and frequently pause between words/sentences, I only speak when prompted or to get needs met, I tend to give brief or one word answers, and I also have set phrases I repeatedly use for the same scenarios, as I can’t think of anything else to say in those moments, so I have to script. It makes holding a normal conversation nearly impossible since my mind just doesn’t think of anything to say. It’s like I have no opinion on anything. It also makes me sad that people tend to judge your intelligence level based on how much you contribute to conversation. And they lose interest in you for not entertaining them in some way. It’s too mentally exhausting to mask having this, so I just stay quiet while secretly feeling bad that I’m disappointing others with my silence.

I am writing a story and i have a character who is autistic and selectively mute. I need help writing his character accuratly. So if anyone who knows or is someone who struggles with selective mutism could comment or something so i could portray his character correctly that would be amazing.

some info on the character is he is an autistic kid and will not talk to anyone but his best friend from ages 2-5ish (let me know if that is accurate or not) his parents don't know that he can talk or will talk to his friend till he is about 4.

let me know if you need more information

(this is also my first reddit post idk how it works)

On top of selective mutism, I also have PTSD from a traumatic hospital stay a few years ago. Whenever I’m in a hospital, I frequently have panic attacks or flashbacks and feel on edge the whole time. I tend to shut down and it’s like I physically can’t talk to anyone (even my family or people I normally have no problems talking to).

My parents are here with me, but I’m in my 20s and the doctors only want to hear me talk, they won’t listen to my parents. I know they’re concerned about abuse or something and tbh I don’t blame them. I’m sure a person in their 20s not speaking and constantly looking over at their parents before answering questions (on the rare occasion that I’m able to answer) looks suspicious af. It’s really stressful though.

I wrote a note for the doctor and explained why I’m not talking and why it’s helpful to have my parents here, but they didn’t know what SM was and kind of disregarded the note. I also tried writing down my answers whenever a nurse/doctor asks me something, but they all seem annoyed by my behavior (except for one nurse who has been AMAZING).

I’m so frustrated. I wish I could just talk, but it feels impossible, especially when I’m already feeling unwell (I’m have an infection) and am stressed about my health :(

English isn't my native language and I'm typing it in despair, so sorry if some things are hard to understand.

I am a teenager, I've never been diagnosed with SM, but since I was a child, I've had trouble talking to people, and I used to only speak at home; I couldn't speak in other places.

On top of that, I have autism, social anxiety, and alexithymia, which makes communication and social interaction even harder. At school, people would always say, 'Say something, I've never heard your voice,' and today a woman told me, 'You're so quiet that I've never heard your voice,' which reminded me of years ago when people said the same thing. I even had a teacher who tried to force me to speak; every class she would say, 'I really want to hear your voice,' 'Speak at least a little, please, I beg you,' and she'd make jokes that made everyone laugh, but for me, it was uncomfortable. Even a friend who's also autistic told me to try speaking and said it's not okay to stay silent all the time.

I feel really guilty for not being able to talk, I only talk to specific people, I just wanted to have a normal teenage life, having fun with friends, but I can't even have a conversation.

Right now I've been in the same classroom for 6 months and I don't have any friends, I've never exchanged a word with anyone there, just with two people and my support teacher. I told this to my mom, and she said it's normal and that you can't make friends in such a short period of time, and also that people don't talk to me because I'm transgender and a new student (to me, having been at the school for 6 months doesn't count as being new, but okay).

Other people would definitely make friends or at least say something after 6 months spending time with the same people in the same classroom almost every day. I used to go to psychologists but I stopped therapy because of certain events, I want to go back to see if this is SM and also because I really need it.

I sometimes send audio to some people I talk to, and I talk normally with my only friend irl, but that's because I feel comfortable and, like I said, I only talk to specific people. what should I do I don't have anyone

I feel really guilty. Extremely guilty.

My daughter is nearly 3 and recently diagnosed with level 1 ASD and selective mutism. She is smart, funny and kind - but I see her struggle to use her voice at school and how she socializes is by imitating her peers. I know she is young and has so much potential, but as her NT mom, my heart aches and I fear the road ahead. I’d love to hear some stories about how the wonderful women in this thread have managed any of these situations. While I would appreciate honest stories of your journey, hoping to hear some encouraging things if possible 💜

Hey everyone!

I’m a rising Junior in high-school and I’ve been feeling very anti social lately. Let me tell you guys a quick story.

So, I went to hang out with my friends during my birthday. They planned it way before and had invited me to it the day before it happened. And I really didn’t have a good time. It might be because of hormones, but I was just not feeling it, so I left early. I felt like it was hard for me to talk to them, and tbh at first I thought they were the problem until tonight.

I went on a call with one of my closest friends, but it just felt so awkward. Like very very awkward. I could tell she knew I was just trying to talk to talk, for example, I gave a problem, and she just gave it like an annoyed response and now I feel like an ass.

Is the problem that I keep complaining and relating everything to myself? Like, I can’t even talk to my closest friends. How do I fix this? I feel like a chud dude, I genuinely do not know what to do.
I just feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore, like when someone tells me about something, the first thing I do is just talk back about something that relates to me. How am I even supposed to respond?? Like, maybe it’s just summer, but when someone tells me something, I feel like it’s so hard for me to talk back.

I also haven’t been checking up on people a lot, which I think also may be the problem. I’m just feel so performative all the time, like depending on who I hang out with I change. Bro the more I write, the more answers I get myself haha

Please give me advice!! I feel like Km gonna barf

for all that this has taken from me, i enjoy my independence as much as possible! what are some solo things you enjoy doing and why? and if you dont do solo outings, what outings in general do you like? i need some ideas :) i used to like going to the movies by myself. i need to start that back up again.

Looking for advice/experiences because I’m not sure what to think.

My son is almost 3. At home he is extremely verbal — full conversations, tells stories, asks questions, sings, jokes, talks about his day, etc. His language seems totally fine.

The confusing part is school. He has been in the same classroom with the same teacher for about 1.5 years and I just found out his teacher has never heard him speak or even whisper. He will nod, gesture, and communicate nonverbally, but he does not use words (even for things like telling them he needs to go potty).

The part that makes this confusing is that he actually loves school. He is excited to go, talks about his friends, tells me everything that happened during the day, and says he has fun. He plays with kids on the playground/water play, but apparently does it nonverbally.

In 2 months he moves to a new classroom with a new teacher and new kids, so I’m wondering if that fresh start could help.

Has anyone experienced this? Did your child eventually start talking at school? Did anyone’s child have selective mutism but still love school and have fun?

Things I’m wondering:

- Is it possible for a child to have selective mutism if they seem happy and not anxious about school?
- Should I be pushing for an evaluation now or wait to see what happens with the new classroom?

Thanks

Often times I wonder if I had selective mutism when I was a kid because ever since I heard about it, I immediately felt like this is what was "wrong" with me, so I guess I'd just like to tell my story here and see what I really had.
When I was 4 and started kindergarten, I used to not talk at all in school. I would only nod yes or no in questions and the only times I would talk is if I ever got called to answer some class question that isn't a yes or no one and I'd speak very quietly while my voice was already naturally quiet. When I come back home I would be perfectly fine so my parents didn't know at that time. On top of that, I would also refuse to show any emotion in school, like I never cried or smiled and when people would try to make me laugh and succeeded, I would cover my entire face with my hands so they wouldn't see me laugh. The next year of preschool, the teachers finally talked to my parents because they thought I was getting abused or had autism or something but my parents said I acted fine at home so that was that. This continued onto 1st and 2nd grade but it slowly got less worse each year because I had the same classmates from preschool to 5th grade, still I was a "quiet kid" though. By 5th grade everyone in my class were friends so that was the most social my life has been. And when I moved to a new country to start middleschool, I thought I could easily change my entire personality since no one knew me, but I found myself unable to talk to anyone without being spoken to first. I used to be really sad about this especially when I started highschool, where I only made a few friends, spent most of my lunches camping in the bathroom stalls, and in most classes would not speak a word unless it was class required, spoken to, or needed to ask the teacher something. Now, I've just graduated and honestly accepted that this is me so I don't feel sad that I don't really have close friends. Even if a part of this story proves that I ever had SM, I think that now I do not have it because I can easily talk when I am spoken to. Although I still very much struggle with socializing in real life and talking in group settings. I know this post is pretty long, but I just wanted to let this out here and if you read this far, thank you! Also, there are a lot of details left in this story, but just for extra context, I didn't have any childhood trauma that made me that way, I was just like that so i don't know if that's a thing that's possible 😭

Seriously, if you’ve ever felt this way, I'm sorry. Humans naturally feel so much pain at not being included in social groups because early humans needed the support of their tribes and families to survive.

A fact I read: Social rejection and physical pain register in the same area of the brain. It is deeply and severely painful to be left out.

Posting this here because I know this experience is common in SM, due to the condition itself, along with the misunderstandings of it and frequent poor treatment from others for behaviors we cannot fully control (unable to speak) - which make me feel trapped behind a wall of glass, able to see everyone getting along and not being able to join in or be accepted. It’s such a deep loneliness when everyone else is right there yet out of reach.

So it was hard not to feel bad that I couldn’t do what seemed so easy for everyone else. And that worsened a cycle of: becoming isolated - feeling bad about myself - self-isolating more - and losing hope I would ever break the cycle.

Do you relate?

It was particularly bad for me in school, seeing classmates make friends so quickly and easily that it seemed like they’d known each other a long time (when they didn’t). And also seeing classmates get a lot of positive attention from the teachers who just seemed to think I was a weird quiet nuisance.

I think it is easier to make connections when you already have some vs being very desperate for it and having little social experience - and also potentially puts you in a vulnerable place if people take advantage because you may put up with more than you should to keep relationships.

edit: but I want to add there is definitely hope because I truly couldn’t imagine a few years ago how much improvement and connection I would have by now. still a work in progress but my life has actually transformed. I’ve commented a lot about this process but maybe should make a whole post about my recovery. it’s just that I get wordy lol so it will be LONG

I developed selective mutism when I was two years old, so ever since that age, I’ve been quiet in school and up til’ now in university. I have never really had friends because I couldn’t talk to anyone in school because of this disorder.

I’ve been wanting to get into vegan activism for many years now, but i’m struggling because I can’t talk to people, no matter how hard I try. Selective mutism is REAL and it seems like no one cares about how hard it is to live with it.

I care about animals deeply, and I just want to help them, but I just can’t seem to have discussions with other humans and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

Today, I brought some vegan flyers in my bag, and I was going to put them up in town, but I just felt so self conscious and anxious. So I just didn’t do it.

Also another thing that happened today was that me and my sister (also vegan) walked past a anonymous for the voiceless group, and my sister went and spoke to them about getting active and it ended up with her getting invited to participate in the event. But I didn’t follow them on their social media because i’m too shy and anxious. And I basically dissociated during the whole conversation with them, where my sister solely spoke with them.

I’ve been asking the autism habilitation to give me a appointment to help me deal with the selective mutism and i’m getting an appointment in three months.

I just wish I could talk to people, but I just can’t. selective mutism is stopping me from helping animals.

Every doctor says something different...

So, some years ago, I think my parents thought I could have autism. But then a school therapist said I could have mutism. A lot has happened since then. I was sent to a clinic twice. I don’t know what the people there diagnosed me with, something along with a depressive Episode. (I don’t trust the people there anyways.) And maybe it got a bit worse again inside the clinic. Then, a little more recently, a speech therapist said at the very first appointment that I don’t have mutism, because nothing at home is different from when I'm anywhere else. (At least my parents think so. I'm not sure.) He diagnosed me with hyperfunctional disphonia. (Basically when I'm scared, my vocal chords don’t work properly.) But then a different doctor said it could still be mutism. And I'm confused.

About my symptoms: It started when I was a child. I would constantly rephrase a sentence and start over, because I wanted to say it as perfect as possible. (Not sure why.) That annoyed everyone around me, and I wanted to please everyone, so eventually I talked less and less. And now I can mostly just talk very quietly, or sort of squeak around when it's really bad. Now I don’t talk because I either don’t know what to say, or because I'm scared to say something wrong or embarrass myself. Sometimes I don’t even want people to understand what I said, in case it's wrong, and maybe they can assume I said the right thing. So, with strangers (if I'm not too scared to approach them) I can talk kinda loud enough if I have to, but only when I know what to say. And often I have to repeat myself. When I get to know them, I can talk better to them, almost like with my parents I think. And when I'm with my best friend, I can almost talk normally, because they don’t judge me and they're patient, and they're closest to me!

So... Could it be mutism? Or hyperfunctional disphonia? Or just part of my social anxiety disorder? (I don’t even know if that one is diagnosed...)

Help!

VENT (i don't expect anyone to actually read ts but I'm putting it here)

uh so i label myself as a person who used to have selective mutism, although no one ever bothered to clinically diagnose me but whatever. I only went to a counsellor, so like no therapists, nor psychiatrists. And since its like an anxiety disorder my mind is basically just like everyones, and I'm fully aware of that patronizing way people speak to me, and well after awhile I was just like left alone and shit though I had always wanted to be able to "speak" just like other people. Be a normal person. In my opinion and experience its like you really want to speak when people prompt you to, but your words are just locked up in your throat and you almost just freeze. I remember how I had froze up when a teacher had like asked me something, and because again i have no diagnostic of selective mutism in my medical records the teacher had just seen me as difficult and well they werent very nice basically.

So you end up isolated and away from society put part of you wants to be with them. I think the lonliness that comes with it is quite depressing. But mentally (like as in cognitive) you're a normal person, while others perceive you as different from them. So i remember these school counsellors I was sent to and I hated them. I hated being treated like i was different, yk? I have honestly no idea if counselling actually helped me and i also don't know how I had come through it, I think I got lucky because a really patient friend started to like be a genuine friend which I think also helped me talk more especially to her. i have no memory im sry Its really hard to explain what had happened back then because its alot and hard to put in words.

Right now i still deal with that sometimes though after a few years i did get better at speaking and so people would actually (i think) consider me as like not a weird person? thought I still can't really actually fit in with uh "society" and seeing these friend groups taking photos as a whole class and shi really like breaks me because I'm genuinely tired of this. I still go to the same school, in a class with people who used to not know how my voice sounded like. And like each day nowadays I kind of wonder if people still see me in that way; that kid who couldn't speak. Like I remember there was a teacher who asked my friends "Why is she just not talking?" That hurt alot for some reason. Like I exist and I'm literally there and I can fucking hear you? it was a presentation btw so ugh idk. Yes its just me and my undiagnosed mental issues

It was only like a few days ago that I had finally asked my parents about this really depressing time of my past and they said they had suspected that I had selective mutism. So I was really fustrated, and honestly its abit infuriating because they should have told me or gotten me diagnosed? So i could know that theres a valid reason to my "difficulties in adapting to the enviroment" (after i changed schools btw) and they could've like told the school or smth.

And now since I'm like unable to actually go diagnose myself or go to a therapist and shi I tried to like research about why stuff is happening to me, and I think that yes selective mutism affected me before. There was a time where nihilistic (discovered that again recently) thoughts had like invaded me and caused me to be depressed, which was also left alone and ignored without going to therapists, but somehow I had gotten through it though I forgot how again, and then the time during those years i think has affected me which I would call it as social trauma, and now I sometimes still like freeze up or become unable to talk in some times but I think I'm getting better, though sometimes the way people talk to me or how they speak to others instead of directly addressing me makes me question if I really had changed fom the past and just gives bad feelings about me when i had selective mutism (though i dont think i have cptsd bc nothing is diagnosed and I'm mostly fine nowadays exepct for like isolation from most people but I still have friends yes)

so I had somehow made friends (I think my very first friend had led me to others), and I had picked up a hobby of playing the cello and piano and yes though I do feel nervous performing sometimes, I think starting out slowly and practicing as in performing more did help me overcome things like stage fright.

honestly gone so off topic idk what this post is even about mb

well thanks if anyone actually was so unemployed to read ts

Want to change my job.

Currently I work as a sales assistant, everyday I need to communicate with many clients and my colleagues, even though most of the time we communicate by sending messages and email, I feel very tired both in body and heart. I really want to quit it and gap for one year.

So I am here ask for help. what jobs you are doing and you like it? or what's your dream jobs.