r/selectivemutism

I live with my aunt and cousin, I’m not close to both of them and they see me as the “shy” “introverted” person, my mom on the other hand who I’m very comfortable speaking to sees me as the opposite but she knows I have this problem (but she isn’t here living with me)

I’m sure my aunt will start to tease me and even be suspicious if I got a boyfriend or something just because I started speaking

That’s what I’m asking help for, how do I make them not be able to hear me?
My room’s small, I have a closet but it’s full of clothes (the clothes are placed vertically), and I wanted to use that as a place where I can speak but it’s too late now. I do have an exhaust fan that could maybe block out my voice from the outside but I’m not sure if that works

I could try going to the very corner of my room and cover myself with pillows and blankets but I’m still not sure if that will work

I really want to start talking with my online friends, experimenting with my voice, and other stuff.

I’ve tried just whispering but that would be pretty awkward just whispering in a voice call with my friends and sometimes my mic doesn’t even pick it up.

I’ve tried looking for a voice dampener online but they’re kinda expensive for me and my parents won’t let me get them and think they’re a waste of money and they’ll tell me to “just talk”

I asked my mom for help before, like maybe I could go to a therapist? Get counseling? She told me she’d try something, even my teacher recommended it but they haven’t done anything yet.

Anyway.. I think the best thing I could do right now is just to practice how I can talk so I would slowly get used to it and maybe be able to make my voice a little louder. What’s stopping me is that I’m shy they’ll start teasing me like “oh wow you can talk?” and I really don’t want that. So I want some techniques or whatever that could help me with that problem

Sorry if my english isn’t so good

You can ask me some questions and I’ll answer !

So my school surprisingly has a bunch of students with selective mutism. They're all different. Some completely don't talk. Some make facial expressions and nod. Some can whisper in a super quiet voice. I usually always talk to them even though they can't respond. In the hallway just now one of my students was walking with another girl who I didn't realize was mute also until I started talking to them. She seemed really nervous. My student seemed fine (I know that this is an anxiety disorder but she seems comfortable with me). The other girl just kept bowing (I'm located in Asia) and covering her face as I spoke to them in my typical cheerful voice. But now I'm not sure if that was okay.

Yeah so my ex therapist told me that by not speaking I am mocking people who are actually mute, she said even though it feels like i physically can’t talk i actually can and im just making the choice not to push myself and that people who have suffered things that make them fully mute would be very offended by my “choices”.

She also told me my CPTSD flashbacks were autism traits and unrelated to my PTSD.

how are these guys qualified

Okay so I 17F went to a fast food joint and saw a cute cashier (I'm black, keep that in mind ) and he smiled at me and was really nice as i got me and my sisters orders. I wrote on my phone the questions I had like " Could I get a cup?" And he was really nice, paitent as i typed but weren't really having casual conversation since you know i wasn't speaking just smiling nervously up at him, anyways I ended up returning to the queue like 6 times for like tissues, to buy more food and stuff. At one point signing "thank you" mouthing it because thats how I was taught to sign and saying nothing felt odd(?)

When my sisters arrived I texted them (they dont know sign) that i'd like to get his number and one was like "He keeps looking over here and your pretty, he won't reject you so just write it in your phone and show him." so as I finally go to leave I spin around and walking up to the till like a woman with a quest from the Greek gods and show him my phone eith the words "Hi , could I get your number?" written. He didn't read my message out loud (THANK GOD) and he said "Sure" and smiled before taking my phone (really respectfully) And typing it in and adding in the smiley emoticon

Heres the real fuckery part though I can't tell if he knows I can't talk most of the time and I kind of assumed he did since everybody always does (idk why) and there was a till seprating us by maybe 2-3 feet and so when I mouth "I'll text you" out of habit

HE LOOKS AT ME CONFUSED

THEN MY LIPS TRYING TO CATVH WHAT IM NOT SAYING

HE THEN RELAXED AND SMILLED like "ahh well"

Embarassed I waved and scampered off

BUT I texted him and he texted me back

GUYS looking back my siblings were also speaking my Swahilli and we were vausing a ruckus (laughing, typing jokes and my siblings would yell back phrases in both languages as we ate) so with this knowledge in mind do you think he knows I have SM? or at least that I can't speak usually? Probably right? I don't really know.

I've only fully accepted that I have Selective Mutism recently and I've had exams too so i've been really stressed in general and dealing with self-worth so this is my first time having to possibly tell a person that I can't always talk.

But also EVERYONES catching a cold so he might think I have a cold or that i'm judt shy or that I can't speak English well but really I can barely hold a conversation with my twin in public.

Could I get some advice or grounding?

Age 5-9
I was diagnosed with sm when I was about 5, my parents were very supportive of me which I will forever be grateful of. My mom would dedicate time to talk to my teachers and look for psychologists who were specialized in this disorder, it wasn't easy for her given that the internet back then was as advanced.

The only males I could talk to were my dad and my nephew who was my age and came over a lot to play. At school I could play with boys but I never spoke to them, I was even scared of them hearing my voice, girls were easier, they just had to become my friend and I would whisper to them.

Age 10-12
When I was 10 we moved to a different country, I was put in a private school. Same thing happened, I wouldn't talk to boys or let them hear my voice. Once I graduated elementary (6th grade), I wanted to stay in that school for grade 7-11 since it was what I was familiar with, but something in me really wanted me to leave and start all over again. All the other schools were full by then, the only option was a public school.

One of the things I wanted was for there to be so many students that I could be invisible. There were a total of 1200 7th graders haha.

I set myself a goal, I really wanted to get rid of my selective mutism, when a boy would ask me a question, I would answer. If he couldn't hear me or not wasn't my problem, what would matter to me would be that I actually opened my mouth and tried. So I did exactly that, the kid didn't hear me but at least this time I wouldn't be labeled as "the girl who doesn't talk", this time I'd be "the girl who talks quietly". And that would be a huge step for me.

Kids would catch on that I was very quiet and didn't talk much so I wouldn't get bothered a lot, friends eventually came, every time someone new came up to me and asked me something it was a challenge, but I had to keep living up to my new title. My friends would just think that's how I was so once I answered a question and the other person couldn't hear me they'd help me out.

Age 16 and Summary of Age 11-16
By year 11 i had gone through a few friends, I guess not talking much kept me out of drama so I'd always be ok good terms with old friends lol. That year I also made my friend close guy friend, him being gay made me more comfortable.

From year 7 to 11 I got a lot better, not so much in talking louder or more, but in being less afraid to speak. My friends never really knew there was a condition behind what they thought was me being shy, they just accepted me like that and helped me out whenever I was put under pressure they knew I couldn't handle.

Presentations were extremely fear and anxiety inducing, still are, I think that was the hardest part for me, luckily there were very few.

Apart from school, family was also hard for me, because I can't really start over with them, especially men. There's still some family members that I have trouble with or simply can't speak to because it just doesn't feel right. I do way better now with new people since I can be my new self.

Age 17-18
When I graduated I decided to go back to the US to study there, I had to work too, I was really scared but I knew I had to do it. I got a job at Jersey Mikes, mostly there as a cashier (since manager saw I struggled with talking), it was really hard for me the first weeks but after about 3, I started to get the hang of it since it was so repetitive, I started talking louder to the point where customers wouldn't say "what?" every time I said my line.

After only a few weeks I noticed the difference in myself, I could answer questions to strangers in normal/natural sounding tone.

Age 18-20
I was in the US for 5 months, went back to my parents bc I missed them and I felt alone and lost. College was going slow as well. My mom made it clear she would help me with my college at the beginning but I'd have to work to pay the rest. So I did, I wanted to take advantage of my English so I looked for call centers. Eventually got a phone interview, the lady asked me like 4 questions, couldn't answer one, still got hired lol.

I was scared. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know if I'd be able to do it, but I was there. Training lasted for a month. I actually made a few friends and got a bf lol. Having friends there made me feel excited to show up, there were all kinds of people. Ended up being work besties with a 31 y/o alcoholic who lived in the ghetto lmao. Anyways People thought and said I wouldn't make it, they thought I was too shy, too anxious. Trainer had to sit next to me to hear me read out my work, I'm actually surprised he never got mad at me for not talking louder or gave me "the talk" about having to put more effort.

I lasted 3 months due to problems at home. But it definitely helped me so much with my social anxiety.

Conclusion:

I wouldn't say I'm 100% cured from selective mutism since I still struggle with the aftermath, but I believe I'm pretty functional now. I've come a really long way and still have quite a bit to go. But tbh I'm proud of myself, of how brave I've been, of putting myself out there even if I was terrified. I somehow believed in myself to not mess things up, I learned that messing things up isn't as easy as I thought it was haha.

I'm still working on myself, but I hang on the to saying "everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear".

Hey... so this is a bit of a weird question but I just wanted to ask it here because I'm not sure if anyone else would understand my anxiety. Anyway, it's for the girls. So I haven't gotten regular periods in the last 2 or so years, sometimes I can miss up to 7 months. I have gone to the doctor once before and have also gotten a blood test, and nothing has shown up. I know that anxiety can often affect your menstrual cycle. Is this true? Has anyone else experienced the same? Just wanna know if I'm not alone in this lol.

I watched a documentary on YouTube about selective mutism – Children Trapped in Silence by Selective Mutism. At one point in it, a therapist told the little girl something that stayed with me after watching the video. I want to share it here. It’s not an exact quote, but the main parts that resonated with me:

 

Your voice comes out when you’re at home, because everything is nice and how you like it to be at home. But what happens to lots of children is that they go out to different places, and they get really worried. And the funny thing is, it’s not their voices they’re worried about. It’s everything else they’re worried about. And they get so worried that their whole body goes tight and worried. And when your body is tight and worried, your voice can’t come out.

 

I wish someone had told me that when I was younger. With the exception of my speech therapist, all the adults in my life who were concerned about me focused on the speaking part and approached it backwards, like “you must be worried about what to say,” and tried to help me that way. And it was always wrong. I always felt very misunderstood. I knew they were wrong about me, and I knew their advice didn’t work for me. But inside, I didn’t actually understand my own behavior.

And it would have been helpful if I’d had an adult version of that explanation when I was a young adult. I didn’t realize I still had SM then, and not only did I continue to receive advice from other people that was mismatched to me (like, “You need to have more confidence.”), but I also ended up trying to interpret my own nonsensical and random inability to speak or perform, and I kind of believed a lot of things about myself that weren’t true and also weren’t very nice.

27 here. Curious what your life is like. Job, support system wise. Thanks

one of the worst aspects of selective mutism for me is that i have trouble saying things like “thank you“ in public. someone holds open the door for me and i just walk past them without saying anything. someone compliments me and i just sit there like an idiot. in my head im saying thank you but it just doesnt come out of my mouth. i know people probably think im some stuck up douchebag who thinks theyre too good to say thank you and i hate it. help

How do I get better?

Just found this term a few minutes ago, but I think I’ve had selective mutism since I was in year 7, now I’m at year 11. I can’t speak to my mother only except if I whispered, or texted her, whenever she is near I immediately speak less and get super anxious in her hearing me speak normally, I guess I also fear when my mother says something like “you’re speaking now!” whenever I accidentally slip up, this has caused some crazy fear in me. I don’t know why I still can’t talk to her. People look at me in public when I’m whispering to my mother and I get even more anxious then and this has been seriously been affecting my mental health. I also fear other authority maybe because they remind me of my mother but I’ve just been in this constant fear that I genuinely want to get out of.

someone bit my arm really badly i didnt talk anymore when i was like a kid..

i kept

remembering the scar on my arm but now its gone it gave me ocd my whole life and yeah

Since overcoming my SM, I’ve grown into a person that’s desperate for external validation and I tend to trauma dump a lot to anyone who will listen. And this has lead people to push me away. All of this is mostly online and stuff. In real life I’m still more reserved.

I’m curious if anyone here as gone through a similar progression in their life.

I’m 16f, and I’m going to college soon. No one in my family knows I have selective mutism. nor my school, to them I’m just the weird kid that doesn’t talk.

honestly if I tell my parents they probably won’t take me seriously because I act “normal at home”.

I’m not gonna talk to my guidance counselor about feelings and shit.

So I just need someone to talk to, like journaling, trying to stay present, or that bullshit chat gpt tells you about revealing yourself to 1 person. (Like wth are you even talking about the words don’t come out, like I just told you this dumb hoe)

Anyways that shit doesn’t work, I know my parents won’t pay for therapy and I’m 16, which means no job-no money- but eventually when I make my own income it could work out for me.

I just don’t wanna waste money and time on bullshit that doesn’t work.

But I don’t want to be like this forever so has it ever worked?

Hello my daughter has selective mutism at school. I’m learning that it’s worse than I thought.

She doesn’t like speaking to her friends so its pretty stressful for her. She wants friends but the demand to speak is great and it’s overwhelming . A lot of her friends have given up and all others try not to interact with her due to her being different or odd socially. I feel like this is my fault. I need to prepare her better for socializing.

She is fully functioning on the spectrum. She doesn’t look like it which causes confusion with her classmates as they are not as patient or compassionate. Most of her classmates want nothing to do with her since they view her as odd.

I’d appreciate your ideas on best to help her at school.

Also what is the best way to help her outside of school (speech therapy?). I think once she understands socializing this will get better but the groups we have found are very low functioning so its uncomfortable for her. She’s not wanting to do any therapy or get help really which is another hurdle.

Thanks in advance for helping our family!

My daughter will be starting kindergarten in the fall. She has SM and has definitely come a long way with therapy and good community. However, she still struggles a lot talking in a school setting.

Long story short, we are very concerned about her going to a public school or a charter school and being over looked with larger class sizes, etc. We fear she won’t speak up if she needs help or even be able to stand up for herself if another student isn’t nice. But I also fear that we could be hurting her chance to develop the skills on her own.

Anyone have any experience with homeschooling their kids with SM in the early years?

this might sound like a stupid question, but, for me, the reason i don't often speak or didn't really speak in school is a form of self-repression. i'm wondering if this is similar the way you experience challenges with speaking? for me, i have this extreme, extreme shame. and i don't let myself express myself. can you relate to this?

i feel like a huge disappointment to my family and my very few friends. i can’t talk to them even a little bit im completely mute at this point and haven’t talked in years. i’m recently 18 and got a job and ive been trying to talk at work but my voice is so degraded and quiet from years of not using it that nobody can hardly even hear me and i hate hearing myself when i do have to use it. im also a transgender and hate my voice because of that too so im sure that probably makes my perception of my voice worse. i hate how people think i am mentally stunted and treating me as such. because i pick up on every subtle jab at me and every amount of babying like im less-than. i cant even talk to my own parents and sister and im just so ashamed all of the time. i don’t have one friend i vocalize to even a little bit. i can usually talk to complete strangers which makes me feel better but even then, my social skills are extremely lacking and my voice is too quiet. i dont know how ill ever transition in talking to my family again. i feel stupid sometimes even though i am not and i hate it. i hate feeling helpless and trapped in my own body and thoughts. i want to have friends and a good career and feel happy with other people but i just can’t. i cant bring myself to rip off the bandaid that is talking to my family. my therapist wont see me anymore and i dont know why, he hasn’t replied to my text asking to schedule in for a month. maybe im unfixable to him or something and he doesnt want anything to do with me for that. i’m trying to get in with someone else but idek if they can help me either. it does feel good to talk to at least someone after not talking to anyone for weeks but i just wish i was normal. i wish i could live a normal life and not feel so trapped. has anyone else gone through total mutism with their own immediate family? how did you get to talking to them again? i feel so trapped and awkward. they want me to talk to them so bad but i don’t even know how to start and i don’t want to either. but i also do. advice?