r/selectivemutism

My 7th grader can barely read. We have tried so hard! He has severe anxiety therefore tutors, reading groups and special Ed has been minimally effective and very expensive. I’ve tried a few workbooks but I need a workbook or curriculum to do with him. He is so embarrassed and tries to hide it. What recommendations do you have? I would love to have one textbook to work through with him.

My child barely talked at preschool (only if I was present or when answering direct questions). He attended summer programs at that same school and talked no problem but his sister was with him for those classes.

hey y’all, new here but i am someone who was diagnosed with and “used to be” selectively mute from the ages of 4-8, particularly in school settings. although i’ve made a lot of progress with my social skills and ability to even speak (though i still have many lingering struggles), i’ve only recently realized that my progress has been limited to when i speak english.

i live in canada, and speak english, french, and my mother tongue. i spoke my mother tongue before i even learned any english at all, and am decently fluent for someone born in a country where there’s not many people around me who speak it. i’m also fluent enough in french to where my quebecois teacher assumed my parents were francophone. i’m in no way close to being a native speaker in either language, but i’m also not just “barely proficient.” i understand both of the languages well, even when the speaker is speaking in a different dialect from my own. despite that though, i can never “show off” my language skills, no matter how much i want to. particularly to family, friends, and the wider social circle of people connected to my family and friends (those are the WORST). that same ursula-stealing-my-vocal-chords-and-replacing-them-with-a-rock feeling that i’d experience in english as a child? that’s exactly what happens… but i somehow never made the connection with SM until today. maybe because i didn’t face the same stigma i would in english, and instead the other person would just assume my silence was due to a lack of fluency in the language?

i’ve also noticed that with the people i’m comfortable enough to actually speak in my other languages to, i only speak with the most basic and limited vocabulary. it makes me feel and look so dumb, but i have a fear of making a mistake and then freezing up so i stick to areas where there’s the lowest risk of that happening. i’m feeling half continued frustration from this all right now, but also half relieved and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after the issue turned out to be something “familiar.” i’m curious now to hear if this is a common experience among ppl with SM who speak more than one language?

I know there are services like IP-Relay which let you type and a human intermediary reads your text to the phone number you "called" and translates their speech into text for you. BUT are there any that don't involve a human? Like AI speech to text and text to speech? Preferably via computer because i suck at phone typing. I checked the r/deaf wiki but didn't see anything like what I'm looking for. I'm in the US if that matters.

I'm temporarily mute (jaw wired shut) and I need to update some medical account info and I really REALLY don't want to give all my account verification info to some random human intermediary.

My ASL is completely beginner level so an ASL interpreter wouldn't work for me. Plus it has the same problem.

-- Before anyone says it. Yes i technically can speak with jaw wired shut, but it's very hard to understand, not loud, and on top of that my autistic brain is essentially invoking selective mutism on me. It's a lot of mental work to even try to speak.

Ever since I was a kid, I don't remember talking to anyone except my family and my childhood best friend at the time. Even in kindergarten, I was so quiet and wouldn't speak at all, which made everyone concerned. At one point, my parents took me to a child therapist or specialist—I don't remember clearly since I was so young. They brought me to his office, and he tried various techniques to get me to say something, but I just sat there quietly like a doll. Eventually, he advised my parents to see another specialist.

Even throughout my school years, I didn't talk to people, including my classmates. Because I grew up in a small town, my classmates were the same kids I grew up with and eventually graduated with. Still, I always avoided social gatherings and went silent whenever there were too many kids around. I only spoke to a few girls in my class.
At one point, I stopped talking much to my family, which worried them enough to try online counseling for me. I talked to the counselor for about a month before quitting because the way he spoke annoyed me. Afterward, they told my parents I had "mood swings" i was around 13 at the time, so you can imagine.

Now that I'm working and living on my own, my social anxiety has improved significantly. I even go to doctor appointments and checkups alone.

However, I recently realized something specific: I shut down whenever there are more than two people around. When my coworkers are laughing and having fun, I genuinely want to join in, talk, and have fun with them, but I just can't. It's not that I'm shy or don't want to i really do. I just feel blocked. On the other hand, in one-on-one conversations, I can talk easily if the person is focusing solely on me. I can even converse normally with strangers or over text without feeling anxious.

Why can't I speak even though I want to? It's like I find comfort in being quiet and sitting alone, but at the same time, I feel left out and want to join in on the fun, yet I can't bring myself to do it.
How do i even explain it i want to talk i want to talk a lot there’s anything i want to say but i cant. Why cant i? Idk

My last post should be visible on my account not sure if it will add much context or anything to this but it’s there if you want to look.

not totally sure what to flair the post so i’ve just picked venting sorry if that’s not what this is.

I’m 22 now in the uk and have made a tiny bit of progress but i just don’t feel like it’s much and it hasn’t helped me with getting a education or job and i just seem pretty stuck.

the progress: i still can’t talk to random people if i’m with someone i know like friends, family or even just people that i knew but on my own i’m now able to:

speak to staff in shops.
i can get the bus.
i can talk to strangers in public.

i don’t do any of those confidently and i don’t go out my way to create conversations, i’m still really awkward and shy.

now i feel like i’ve hit a ceiling with everything because it’s so hard talking in front of people i know that it’s holding me back from doing anything like applying for college, getting a job, getting a girlfriend, having a social life and doing anything. i spent a ton of time thinking and daydreaming about how i could be and what i want life to be like, i’m not happy usually just numb/empty and i’ll get a big wave of sadness, loneliness and get the feeling in my chest that’s hard to describe but it’s not anxiety it maybe closer to yearning i think. i’m considering trying to move away and attempting to just get on with it but i’m not really sure how to go about doing that and i’m worried if i do move away i just stay stuck in my shell not talking but now my far away from anyone i know that can help.

i know what has to been done and i know i’m the only one that can do anything about it but it’s just hard so for right now i’ve a hit a stump, it’s not all doom and gloom though as hard as it is to hope i know there is a chance for me and i’m not completely hopeless.

honestly not sure why i bother writing this but yeah guess i’ll update again if anything changes.

Edit: i just noticed my account was on hide all so i’ve switched it and it should be visible now :) it turns out i didn’t make the post i thought it did but i did write stuff in the comments that might add more context to my situation or i think i did at least. anyway it’s now there if you are interested.

i have a strange unusual sounding voice that catches people off guard the first time they hear it. they question it, they judge it, they insult it, and i’ve endured this for years. i’ve faced disrespect, humiliation and mockery to a point i was genuinely dehumanized. i was never taken seriously by adults. i’d ask a question, then they do answer but by mimicking my voice. i’ve learned and accepted that, me? talking? is just a joke. i can’t speak without people making my voice the spotlight of the conversation. it’s extremely uncomfortable and it makes me feel horrible hearing my own voice. its so bad that it triggers me to shut down mid conversation. until, i just stopped talking entirely and use my notes app to communicate with people in real life. i’m afraid that using my voice will trigger me to get overwhelmed and possibly go through a mental breakdown that i let people hear my voice. and i’m of course afraid of them judging it and insulting it and i just dont wanna go through that pain anymore. but i read somewhere that selective mutism isn’t apparently caused by trauma. so, am i really a selective mute or something else?

I feel like my whole life people have never understood me, or put me in certain «boxes» to try to explain how I am to people.

In kindergarten I struggled to say «thank you» to the teachers after having lunch.
I basically couldn’t get the words out and I can remember the events so clearly, like what was going on inside my head. It’s hard to describe it in words, but it’s like I was so scared and froze, and how it all felt unreal in a sense, like a dream.
I had to say it, or else I couldn’t leave the table to go play with the others, who had no problem saying it, like it was just simple words to them.
So I sat there for many minutes, and I have no idea how many times this happened, but in my head I was like «just say it, why can’t I just say it», and sometimes I could force it out, but it never felt good, and other times I just sat there the whole time so they let me go anyways. After this, saying things like «thank you» or congratulating someone on their birthday, has become a stressor, so it always is something that doesn’t really come from the heart, but more like a thing I need to say to be a «good person».

The teachers never told my parents about this until I was done in kindergarten, and then they took me to a psychiatrist, and they thought I had selective mutism, and they had this person observe me at school, but I don’t know what really happened with that diagnosis, because I don’t remember any of it, but I think maybe I was feeling better when I started school, so they just let it go, I’m not sure. But the social anxiety, which is what I call it, just continued, but it did get better at times, and sometimes I even felt no anxiety reading aloud.

Fastforward to middle school and highschool it just got worse and worse for many reasons that would be too much to explain. But keywords are homelife and school peers. And I became really depressed and couldn’t continue school, which my mom got so angry at me for.

This time was the beginning of what I’m struggling with most now, which was a diagnosis that completely destroyed me, warped my self image, and exacerbated my anxiety so much. I got diagnosed with autism or «aspergers» that they called it. Which I never agreed with at all, and the whole situation was so bad. They had basically decided to start the evaluation and testing before even seeing my face, just based on my mothers explanations, because, well, my anxiety was so bad at this time so I didn’t want to see anyone. All I ever wanted was help with my anxiety and depression, instead I got so much worse. I got put in this box I tried so hard to fit into and understand, this is when the spiraling and research started. I just never felt it fit at all, it just made me feel so misunderstood and when I told them that they just said «anxiety and autism can co-exist, and here’s this informative presentation about autism you can go to.

Then everything went even further downhill, my mother told everyone about the diagnosis and I never really got to say how I felt, at this time I was also trying to make it fit and be okay with it, but this made my anxiety worse because now I felt everyone saw me as this person I was not and just making assumptions, and they were also treating me differently when I went back to school (which I also never truly wanted, long story). Thinking I was this and that, and needed this and that. Just so detrimental to me, and it made me overthink everything.

So I went to a new psychiatrist to get the diagnosis removed, and for help with my mental health that was getting worse and worse. Not only did the diagnosis do all the things I mentioned, but it also sort of closed the doors to the help I truly needed, because autism isn’t a mental disorder so they don’t treat it, it was more of a education about it and talking about yourself. It was just bad. But here’s the thing, this psychiatrist seemed nice at first and like she saw me, but long story short she was not and made me feel awful, like so awful.
This is the event that my brain keeps thinking about so much, just sitting in that chair, her telling me how bad my life is and how I need to go to school and how my mom needs to be stricter with me. Even calling my mom behind my back telling her to be strict with me, and bringing her in and them siding with each other. Bunch of other stuff too. And I cried after the sessions, because of how I was treated and also how my mom treated me afterwards. This went on for about a year and it was all to get the diagnosis removed, which turns out, it was the previous doctors who made the autism diagnosis who had the last say, which I was not informed of until towards the end. Apparently that’s how it just works in some systems, but that’s so stupid if you ask me, she should have been able to make an independent one.

So this made me deteriorate even further, and I was basically thrown back out, with no real treatment, only some medications throughout this awful experience, which only made me worse. So now I’m really struggling and I don’t really feel like I believe therapy can help me anymore, which I never even tried, but I’ve just been researching a lot, learning about myself and I thought for a while I had learned so much about myself that I would never go back into that depression, but I was wrong, it’s just as bad when it hits.

My head has just been going on repeat these past few months about my whole life basically, but especially about the diagnosis thing and psyciatrist experience. I just keep crying and feeling like I can never get over it. I keep having nightmares and just waking up stressed, and there’s not a single moment of silence in my head, and I keep making scenarios where I need to protect myself and make sure I’m not misunderstood again. This is especially hard because if I were to ever «get help» again I would be so vulnerable and even thinking about it makes me stressed, so I feel like that’s not really an option.

I also keep getting triggered whenever someone talks about autism or anything that even makes me think about it at all, and even going in this subreddit triggers it a bit. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, except my mom, who sometimes will support me and other times it ends up in a really bad argument, so I feel like I can’t risk it, because that would make it a million times worse.

I feel like many people don’t really understand how hard it can be misdiagnosed with autism, because people always say it’s the other way around, which makes me feel so alone. If anyone has experienced anything even remotely similar, just hearing that, matters a lot to me.

Since I don't go outside unless I'm going to school, this hasn't happened all that much, but it still bothers me. There was one time when I was waiting for my ride to school, and an old lady walked past me and said hello, I nodded, since that's my way of saying hello, or to show that I heard them. But she just mumbled a mean comment underneath her breath and it genuienly ruined my day, I was so sad because I know that if I had only tried to at least whisper "hello", I maybe wouldnt have gotten that reaction. I was also inside a taxi another time, on my way to school, and an older lady sat beside me, she was talking on the phone and when she was done, she started asking me where I was going, and I was so uncomfortable because I was in a place where I couldnt just leave, so I forced myself to speak, but it was so quite and she told me to repeat myself, and I hated it so much, that also ruined my day. The driver had to intervene and told her that I didn't like talking, which was embarrassing, but I also felt really relieved. I know she wasn't trying to be mean, but she didn't really seem the nicest since she had made a back handed comment insulting the driver and the 3rd passenger. Other people can be like this too, but so far, it's mostly been people above the age of 50.

SM affects us all differently. For me, the workplace is the absolute worst. I had extreme anxiety in the few jobs I've had. I can speak quietly for maybe a few minutes but then go mute for the rest of the shift and feel like I'm having a panic attack the whole time. Right now I barely make a living using delivery gig apps and I'm fine on my own with no anxiety. But it's not enough for me to pay my bills, it's a huge struggle, I haven't even paid my rent this month. I could probably do if I had a better car but I can't afford that right now. I haven't been properly diagnosed but know that would cost money I don't have so I'm stuck. What job could accommodate me without medical documents? What am I supposed to do? I live in Georgia, US btw.

My daughter is 10 and may have SM. She talks to family at home but doesn’t say a word at social situations. However it’s not clear if she is anxious since I can see her smiling sometimes in those situations. We have taken her for camps and have put her in extra curricular stuff to get her out of her shell but not much progress. We are working on getting her a therapist. Would love some advice.

As much as i want to be friends with people, it’s impossible for me to. if i try and post online looking for friends, i’ll get 10+ responses and then not be able to reply because i have no idea what to say. and if i do reply we end up only talking once and then never again. i feel like I'm being too “dry” and when i try to match their energy i sound corny.

It’s not any easier irl either, i‘m homeschooled and live in a small town in arkansas. meaning 90% of people here just suck. i would join stuff like art classes or sports but i suck at both of those things and it feels embarrassing trying to play a sport, or show someone my art.

the only people i talk to regularly are my mom, my dad, and my 10yo cousin. and i desperately want to make friends, but knowing how my last big friendship went i feel like i’ll just ruin it again.

im really only posting this to rant. but if anyone has any tips on what i can do or is in a similar situation and wants to talk, please lmk!!

I can’t access any support for selective mutism. I have medication (for social anxiety) but I can’t get SM-specific therapy or anything. I’ve tried, but there’s nothing. How can I do it myself?

Is there anything you’ve done for yourself, like exposure, to improve your SM? How did you do it? Is it even possible?

I am capable of speaking, but often find myself feeling less like a person and more like an alien when I do. I was diagnosed with autism a few years back, but I'm still trying to understand how it affects me. I'm not sure if my preference for non-oral forms of communication is related to my diagnosis or not. I feel more connected to myself when I'm silent and just existing in a room with other people rather than having to participate in their conversation, but I can still articulate my thoughts verbally if I really need to in most situations. There are times when I become so overwhelmed that my whole body freezes and I can barely force any words out, but I don't feel as if it happens frequently enough to count it as a disability. I genuinely just prefer not to communicate verbally, in both private and public settings.

My biggest issue with this is having to combat the expectation that I have to communicate verbally because I am capable of doing so. It's hard to explain to people that I prefer not to speak after they've just heard me talk, and I feel like a fraud, but I'm only speaking because I know that's what is expected of me and makes other people most comfortable. Ideally, I would love to have the freedom to switch from being verbal to nonspeaking freely, but it's hard to do so around people who've only ever seen the verbal side of me. How do I explain my experience to people without coming off as ablest or disrespectful to those who physically can't speak freely? I don't WANT to be mute; I just don't want to be EXPECTED to be verbal all the time. I just can't help but feel like I'm making this up or that I'm taking away legitimacy from those who actually have difficulties speaking. Like, if I am capable of speaking, how dare I choose not to? Is it selfish for me to not want to all the time? I am aware that I am actively choosing not to speak, and this is where I feel conflicted.

I've started to experiment with being nonspeaking around two of my friends, as I've told them how I feel and that I wish to communicate nonverbally for the foreseeable future. I still speak when I'm around family or at work, because I've already built a life for myself in those settings where speaking is necessary and nonspeaking is misunderstood. When I hang out with those two friends, I make those days my "nonspeaking" days, where I text my friends to communicate instead of speaking. These days have been good for me, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon. I've actually been implementing nonverbal forms of communication into my everyday life, such as doctor's appointments, ordering food/coffee, and any interactions with strangers, etc. All I have to do is use my notes app on my phone to communicate, and people immediately understand and don't expect me to respond verbally. I have been starting each note with "Hi, I'm nonverbal..." but after doing some research, I've learned that claiming to be "nonverbal" when it's not a situation where you legitimately can't speak can be harmful to the autistic community. Is what I'm doing unfair or harmful, and are there other ways to express how I feel without taking validity away from those who wish to speak but have a hard time doing so?

Also, there are times when I do want to contribute to a conversation with my friends verbally, but I'm afraid to now after expressing that I feel more comfortable with nonverbal communication because I worry they'll assume that I'm "out of my nonspeaking phase" and will expect me to talk again from that point on. I feel the need to introduce myself to new people as nonspeaking as well, because otherwise they'll have an expectation of me that I can't always fulfill.

Can anyone relate? Please correct me if any of my terminology has been misused; I've been trying to avoid claiming to be selectively mute or nonverbal, but I don't know how else to describe my experience.

When i was a kid non verbal till 7yo gestalt language processor and used script speech and single words and not conversational after till teen years then copy speech,

i had frequent violent meltdowns during the time up till i was a teenager and still do now if I lose at pokemon tcg pocket 😄

let me tell you, you want to talk, you want more than anything in the world to talk to say what you feel and what you'd like for dinner that evening or mum or dad my brain hurts and im trying to say what's wrong but nothings coming out and im scared and you cant understand me and please stop my brain screaming and I feel terrified and if I hit my head or lash out, break things it takes some frustration away but then im hurting 1s I love so i feel sad and angry and upset and I should hit myself more to shut my brain up and pain takes away from frustration and now im in full meltdown and spiralling and i need a hug and sleep and i need to be alone when all i want to do is be with my family and i broke my hand or knocked myself out again and mum and dad are in trouble with child protective services because im hurt again but it not there fault just like i was a few weeks ago when i had a meltdown or fell out of a tree because a kid dared me to climb it, my god the unending chronic tiredness of trying to be just a normal kid

I’ve been extremely upset and crying all day today because I can’t bring myself to make a simple phone call. I promised my therapist I would do this and I feel like she’ll be disappointed in me when I tell her that I failed. I’ll end up trying again eventually but right now I’m too worked up and have take some time to calm myself down.

I’m an adult and still suffer from selective mutism. I’m at a weird point in my recovery journey where I can speak to anyone now, but only if the person who is speaking to me initiates it. I can engage in brief small talk and extremely short conversations but even then, my voice is still very quiet and shaky and mumbly. I’ve been told so many times to speak up but I can’t. It physically hurts to raise my voice to a normal, “acceptable” volume.

I can also advocate for myself now when it comes to getting my needs met- like at doctor or therapy appointments, or ordering food at a restaurant. Which I’m proud of- I wasn’t able to do that for a majority of my life and it’s a big step to recovery. But when it comes to forming close and meaningful connections, like making friends or dating- that’s something I still really struggle with and it seems almost impossible. I have no friends and I’ve never had a partner. Phone calls are still extremely difficult for me too, and I’ve been wanting to practice because I really want to make a full recovery eventually. I know I’m able to but it’s going to take a lot of time and effort. I feel like I’m halfway there. Phone calls are just another obstacle I have to overcome even though I know I’ll always be nervous making calls- I just want to be able to speak on the phone.

I was diagnosed with selective mutism when I was 5 and my parents didn’t know how to help me. The only thing they did for me was set up an IEP at school which I’m so thankful for, I wouldn’t have been able to get through school without accommodations. But other than that, they didn’t know what else to do. They didn’t want to see me anxious and distressed so they always spoke for me and I feel like they coddled me way too much, and as I became an adult I feel like I was thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool without knowing how to swim. I’m barely keeping my head above water. They thought I would outgrow my SM, but I didn’t. Now they’re frustrated and upset with me for being so far behind in life because it’s still so hard for me to talk. We’ve gotten into so many arguments about it. The only people in my life who I’m 100% comfortable speaking to are my parents and my therapist.

Because of SM, I still haven’t had a job yet, and lately I’ve been looking into volunteering. My therapist and I both agree that it could be something I could benefit from- being involved in the community, working on my social skills, and getting out of the house because I also struggle with agoraphobia. I also really love helping people in any way I can. There is an animal shelter/thrift store that is about ten minutes away from my house that accepts volunteers, and one of the positions is a rescue attendant which is basically helping out the staff with general animal care and cleaning. I really want to do this. I haven’t filled out an application form yet because one of the requirements is giving your cell phone number so they can call you. However, I still can’t speak on the phone.

I really wanted to challenge myself by calling the animal shelter and just simply ask if they’re still accepting volunteers even though I’m sure that they are. Just so I could try speaking on the phone to someone I don’t know. But I couldn’t do it. And I’m so angry with myself even though I know I shouldn’t be. I dialed the number, the call went through and a woman picked up, but once I heard her voice I immediately panicked and hung up. Now she probably thinks it was a prank call and I’m so embarrassed.

I am not sure and I am not diagnosed with it, but I suspect that it has a big role in me being horrible at teaching. I would like advice on how to speak when you are teaching (I usually have a script with everything I think I should say, and share it as a PDF file to my students) or how to compensate better if I can't speak in a situation in which it's necessary.

Did anyone else feel extremely guilty or embarrassed as a kid around their friends because you were mute? This was something I always felt during my elementary/middle school days and I'm just wondering if it's common. Since I was always mute during school, sometimes my friends had to ask the teacher for me if I wanted to use the restroom or anything, or I had to scribble down what I needed on a whiteboard/paper card.