u/Intelligent_Land2291

one piece of advice i got from therapist, which i really clung to, was that i was never socialised as a female and that's why i had such manly mannerisms. i held this as a core belief to justify how blatantly ridiculous i was. (for context im built like a rugby player, with the mannerisms of a clumsy bloke). I also used this as the reason why being socially transitioned was so difficult, not that i was trying to overwrite my entire life and personality with a fantasy. Was i having a mental breakdown, aided by doctors? I feel like Bill from King of the Hill. but instead of having a good friend like Hank to pull me round a doctor indulged and encouraged me.

I also know this is an unfair representation. i pushed for it. i was the one who lied about my own mind, and thats what makes me so ashamed and embarrassed.

between 2019 and 2025 i socially transitioned, thankfully due to health issues i couldnt get hormones, the dr blocked it at the final stage. which now i am very grateful for. i did get some laser hair removal on my face, which i do regret but its liveable. I have lots of feelings of shame and stupidity. real regrets of some of the things i did. i never went in female bathrooms, as i figured no one could complain about me being in the males. however there was an incident at a beauty salon that makes me want to curl up and die when i think about it.

i was given, what i think now looking back, very bad advice from a therapist who i was seeing for years. rather than addressing historic drug abuse, isolation, alcoholism and ocd, everything was related back to gender dysphoria. i lied about my motivations, knowing what answers drs wanted to hear. i denied that it was related very heavily to porn addiction, and when asked would brush it off. i undertsand that therapists arent there to give advice and ultimately its my decision, but surely for a drug addicted, lonley man at 29, the first option shouldn't be transition.

the whole experience has really changed my as person, i used to be the most progressive left liberal going, now everything just seems like lies and gaslighting.

the whole thing wasnt bad, and did have some good parts, the positive feedback loop from others in the community or progressives was great, but i soon realised how fake it was, and i was still the same lonley man.

just a rant here really, wondering if any other mtftm have similar stories

trying to process it mtftm