Throwaway because of obvious reasons,
December 2025 I broke up with my bf of a year because I found out he cheated on me. I found inappropriate messages, inappropriate pictures etc. This man was the person I thought I‘d spend the rest of my life with.
This was a LDR, we met online.
From the beginning (February 2025) he was the one who pursued me first. I told him I want to take it slow, that I struggle with my mental health and that it could get really bad, but he said together we could manage everything.
Forward to July 2025 we met irl, and I spent what I thought were the best two weeks ever with him. I had so much love for him, but i kinda had this.. odd feeling, sometimes when I looked into his eyes it felt like he didnt look at me with love, but I brushed it off as delusions because he was very caring otherwise with a lot of kisses, he was comforting me, etc. I even saw him scrolling on snapchat by accident once at it was all girls, it was weird, but he quickly said those were ppl snapchat proposed to add, so i brushed it off and believed him. In hindsight it makes sense.
I‘ll be honest I was toxic the entire relationship too - i was fighting with him over ‚small‘ stuff, mostly because whenever I wanted to talk about how I feel or how I was insecure about stuff (lying about his ex gfs, calling them pretty etc, calling other women that looked nothing like me hot) he wouldn‘t understand it or say I‘m overreacting, or he would just go and play video games with his friends. We had very frequent arguments, many times a week, and I understand it‘s most likely my own fault he cheated, but I was so scared of losing him. He would start to act weird towards the end of the relationship too.
His friends always, always assured me he would NEVER cheat, he‘s not the type to do that, etc. and I believed them, because even if I was insecure sometimes deep down I knew that he would never do that to someone, ESPECIALLY since has been cheated on by ALL of his ex girlfriends before (or so he says). I got him a memorial necklace with a deceased person for christmas that still lays in my room. I want to throw it away but it was extremely expensive (120€) and it just makes me sick every time I think about it being in my apartment.
When I found out he cheated, my entire world crashed down. And I have been cheated on before, but this was a person that I NEVER EVER expected to cheat. And the worst thing is, it wasn‘t just once. It was throughout the ENTIRE relationship. I honestly wouldve forgiven him if It was before we met. But I already had extremely low self-esteem and finding out it was after we met irl made me feel awful. It put me into severe depression and on meds. Even now still. Especially since he tried to gaslight me and tried to lie about the timeframe. I‘m also 99% sure it was his ex gf since he called me her name in a sexual context once.
I broke up with him in December, for new years he sent me a text about how he wants to be better and when I told him about my mental state he did an entire 180 and was pissed at me for feeling bad. Thats when I decided he wasnt worth it.
Our anniversary was on 27th February, and I reached out because I missed him, and he told me he was already talking to another girl. First he lied about being sexual with her but then it became pretty obvious. That was when I realized he will never change, and that he‘s just a lustful loser. He spent valentines day and our anniversary with another girl, and the worst part is, he got with her 1 week or less after we broke up.
I don‘t miss him, I never want him back. I actually don‘t care much about him, or whether he has a new gf or not. I have him blocked everywhere, and I don‘t check his profiles or anything. But still, I feel extremely sad most of the time. I try to be strong, distract myself, I dont have many friends left because of him (whole other story) and it‘s just so hard. I can‘t even pinpoint what I miss. Loving someone like that? It‘s exhausting. I lay in bed all day and I cry. I want to go back to what we had, to who he PRETENDED he was. I was so in love with that person. And it just feels like all of that was a lie, even the experiences irl. I genuinely thought that was the love of my life. And I know people come and go, and I have no problem with letting him go. What annoys me is he is constantly in my head, in my dreams, i always have to cry, i have no energy. I don‘t talk to anyone and I completely isolate myself. I know I‘ve made mistakes in this relationship that might have pushed him to cheat but I wish he would‘ve just broken up. Because I feel like I lost someone I looked up to. And that hurts the most. I lost my best friend AND lover. I feel so played, by him, his friends. The worst part is i know now to him it was all a game to move on from his ex. I was never anything to him. But I genuinely truly loved him. And I know better days are ahead, and I know it‘ll pass. And I won‘t give up on love because of someone like him. I just don‘t know what to do anymore. I‘ve been crying every day for the past 3 months and it‘s pushing me to my limits. I have no energy to do anything.
At least I learned something from this relationship. I know what mistakes I made and I won‘t repeat them in the future. I don‘t even care if I mattered to him.
I can‘t tell what bothers me, or what exactly makes me cry, or what I miss.
I‘m sorry if this is all over the place or if this doesn‘t make sense but i‘m just trying to type out what goes through my head and I wish someone could tell me what I need to do to finally close this chapter.