Most posts here seem to be from the perspective of the abused and neglected so this should be a change of pace.
I’m a bad person, with control issues, self hatred, narcissism, all of it. I feel like ive only become worse over time. A lot of things have disappointed me in my life and im slowly becoming more of a problem to people. The main thing is I am secretly abusive. The worst of it is i have physically harmed my autistic nephew for being disobedient at times. Nothing permanent, mostly slaps. But it pisses me off seeing him still loving me and looking up to me. I don’t think I want to be loved in any way by anyone. So I abuse them. I have manipulated and said cruel things to friends and family who I see as secretly thinking I’m a joke. Which pisses me off more so I lash out at them to try and feel strong. I feel like there’s no way for me to be different. If I ever got in trouble for many of the things I’ve done I wouldn’t feel remorseful, just upset I got caught, and then I’d still be the same. I think the best thing for me to do is move out and go live on my own, and try and stay away from people since I get irritated easily. I don’t know why I do but maybe it has something to do with this hate of myself I’ve always had and wanting people to hate me or at least go away from me.