I(28F) might lose my partner(30M) because of my depression. How do I fix this?
Last week my partner of 5 years told me he's been thinking about breaking up. Things have gotten really bad for me 2 years ago and no treatment has worked so far. I don't think he can handle the stress of me being depressed anymore. He loves me so much but it's not enough when I've given up on myself. I used to be super active and love fashion and do sports and meet people. I don't do any of that now. He's been having to force me to do exercise and cook for me and generally force me to take care of myself. I know depression ruins relationships but he's always felt like someone I can lean on. I feel like that's gone now. I've been trying to get the courage to tell him I'm having s*cidal thoughts. I don't think I can do that now. I feel like I've lost my rock and we're not even broken up yet. It feels incredibly destabilizing and it's making me question whether I should just get it over with (but that's probably the depression trying to sabotage me. I love him so much) If we break up, I lose everything, we have a flat together, we have a business together, his parents are a great source of support, my visa to stay in the country depends on us being together. Everything I have to live for depends on this relationship. I think the pressure of all that isn't helping either.
I know I can fix it for him by starting to take care of myself again. I need to show him he doesn't need to take care of me. But it's leaving a weird taste in my mouth. I feel awkward around him now. How do I fix that feeling? I need advice on what to say to him or how to change the 'deal' that we have to make this relationship sustainable again.
Edit: for context, I do two kinds of therapy, cbt and emdr, I'm on 3 different medications, I do tdcs and I'm about to start tms, I've done inpatient treatment. I am getting help, but I'm still trying to find what actually works for me.