life after the breakup
my ex (27m) and me (27f) were best friends before we started dating for close to ten years. after he broke up with me it was really hard. after a little bit of time we decided to be friends. it was challenging at first but we figured it out and still figuring out things. he is from a different state and moved to my state to be together. after the breakup, he was waiting for a job to move back. my friend (26f) of a very long time and i were talking about one of our friends who is in a similar situation to me but the breakup was two years ago. my friend said she didn’t understand why our friend didn’t want us to hang out with him. i said to be honest i wouldn’t feel comfortable with you hanging out with my ex either. she then moved the conversation back to the friend again. im going to summarize to the best of my ability. two days later my ex told me she asked him to hang out and once he found out i wasn’t invited he told her no. she asked him three more times over a span of two weeks. both my friends here asked him to hang out during that time and never asked me or spoke to me. once i spoke with her (which wasnt the timing and that’s on me) she lied and said i never said that and that conversation never happened. she then said that she felt like i wasn’t a great friend and she does everything. (which two month before i spoke with her about always being left out by only asking me to hang out when im working (i have the same hours everyday) or not asking me to hang out every once and awhile and how it kinda hurt my feelings. i ended up just saying sorry.) at the end of the conversation i said hey im sorry i should’ve spoken to you sooner about this (i didnt bc i knew i was frustrated, hurt, and honestly confused on how to feel but i should’ve spoken to her about sooner). she said “sorry if i hurt your feelings but we are going to have to agree to disagree about this one and you and ex can do whatever the hell yall want to do”. we haven’t spoken since. a different friend (who also asked my ex to hang out) texted me “hey i wanted to check in to how you were doing” i said back “not great but hanging in there” she never responded. i wasn’t frustrated at that friend bc i never specifically told her. it would’ve still been nice to know but i can’t be mad. i know the only way to make up with my friend is to i’m sorry i shouldn’t of felt that way and sweep under the rug. i love my friends and i truly do think they are great people. however, this really hurt and it’s hard to shake that feeling. it hurt that it feels like they chose him and that my ex was the only one that told me. its hard for me to not think about the what ifs. like what if my ex didn’t have respect for me and went and hung out with her or them. how many times would they have hung out before telling me or asking me to hang out? i just don’t know what to do. i’m hurting constantly. i feel like im worthless and wondering what’s wrong with me. i’ve been in therapy for my anxious attachment and for people pleasing. it’s hard to navigate all this. on one side i just wanna say i’m sorry i shouldn’t have felt that way and just move and have my friends but on the other hand i feel that’s just going back to people pleasing. so i sit alone and it’s a reality that ive created. i’ve been so depressed and lost. i’ve been having suicidal ideations but i wouldn’t actually do i know that. but it’s scares me. i honestly don’t even know why im writing this. i don’t know if it’s to vent or to get advice. also i’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense im a little dyslexic.