I feel sexually attracted to multiple women at once (in general). Always have. Probably always will.
I know that's as close as it gets to a non-event on a sub like this.
But it isn't for me.
I grew up in a true-believer religious (christian) family, where it was dangerous to admit even feeling sexually attracted to one woman (I am agnostic myself).
Around the time I was in second grade, I liked and cut a few photos of naked women from the newspaper. I don't even think I knew what the word 'sex' meant back then, I just knew I liked the photos.
But my mother went absolutely berserk with rage.
She beat me up badly, threw me on the floor, and humiliated me by telling me to my teacher, not speaking to me for days, etc.
It scarred me for life.
Of course, it wasn't always as dramatic. But as you can imagine, it wasn't great during my teenage years and until I moved out of my parents' house in my early twenties.
I came to believe that it was extremely dangerous if other people became aware that I felt anything sexual.
I came a long way since then (no pun intended), had many sexual experiences, and am currently in a long-term relationship with a woman who knows and accepts this part of me. I am 33M.
From the get-go, we've agreed that ours will not be a classic, monogamous relationship. So the option was always there. But given the default of my upbringing, I haven't really used it so far. In actual practice, we reverted to the default of unintended monogamous dynamics, so to speak, which made both of us miserable.
Now we are honestly exploring ENM, but I feel a crushing sense of guilt and fear.
I've read the books, but I think it will help to also hear it from other people that it's ok that they know I feel sexually attracted to multiple women. That anything that happens between consenting adults, that doesn't hurt them or others or the planet, etc, is perfectly ok.
I'm currently working on this with a professional therapist, so I don't ask you to play therapist here. I hope you won't.
I just have this need to make it known there is this sexual side of me, and feel safe about it.
This is not a kink I'm getting off on with unwilling/unaware participants either.
It's simply a part of me that has been starved for so long, I pretty much lost hope that I could even do anything about it.
I'm comfortable feeling the attraction and knowing about it myself. What I struggle with is when others know about it. And yes, in the beginning, that also meant the very women I was sexual with (that was an interesting challenge to overcome).
That's why I feel the need to confess to (potentially) thousands of people about something as basic as feeling sexually attracted to multiple women.
Thank you for witnessing me on this (I mean psychologically - becoming aware of it, without punishing me for it - not in an explicit, voyeur/exhibitionist way).
Please don't attack me. This is my raw 'soul on a platter' sort of thing.
If you have and want to share any word of encouragement, it'll be much appreciated.
If you want to share your own experience, even if it's very different, I will gladly read it.
At least I won't feel so alone in it.
It's simply not the kind of subject one can talk about in 'normal' social contexts.
And if you ask yourself: why isn't it enough that your girlfriend accepts you for this?
I honestly don't know. I'm trying to understand that myself, and it's one of the topics in my therapy sessions as well. She has a very different background to my own.
Thank you all! 🙏😌
P. S.
I also don't see this as something I will do on an ongoing basis (asking for such support).
My hope is that it will be a healing experience that will allow me to move on and not always need something so unusual.
It has been the pattern before with other things.