Always walking a line
There’s this constant push and pull with you. I keep convincing myself that everything is still intact, even when every single action shows me otherwise. I keep on shoving down these feelings of your extreme dislike and dismissal because you can still answer a text during work. A moment of your free time is never spent on me. A moment of your worry, is never spent on me. You will lead me on till the last moment, to disguise it with a “oh I thought”. I feel so discarded, and used. I keep questioning at which part I became deserving of this treatment, the treatment you’ve told me time and time before no one should ever have of me. Is it someone new getting all this time with you? I can’t eat, or sleep anymore. I feel empty and so fucking unlovable. A worry in me so deep that it’s seeped into my bones. How does one grow from feeling this unworthy. I know I have to let go, but holy fuck the pain of this is unbearable. I’d do anything to fix it, but it would all just be spat in my face anyway. I just have to keep breathing, and moving moment by moment. I hate to feel so deeply, I hate to feel so dramatic. I hate that I say anything at all. Just to keep pushing it down and hoping I will be loved.