My daughter who is 9 made serious disclosures about concerns at her father’s house, which sparked legal and child protection involvement. During all of this, her father then used my son disability and additional needs against me in court proceedings, and as a result, my son was removed from my care and from our home. Long story short of that is my 14 year old son has extreme additional needs to the level that we have 2 support workers in home from 6am to 10pm every single day of the year. His behaviour can at times be dangerous which is how her father was able to argue if my daughter is not safe in his home then she isnt safe in mine. The courts determined that she is safe in my care just not around her brother so she was able to live at home to the exclusion of her brother. Meaning I was then forced to give up care of my 14 year old son.
Since then, myself, my son , and my daughter have been living in an ongoing nightmare of court, investigations, trauma, anxiety, depression, and constant emotional upheaval. It has been a relentless rollercoaster, and honestly, we are barely coping.
My partner and I have been together for about 1.5 years. She has been present through a lot of this, and yes, she cares about my son and loves him I can acknowledge that.
But recently, she became upset, saying I’m not taking her feelings into consideration , that she misses him too, that this hurts her too, and that it’s affecting her mental health.
I told her, bluntly, that I do not have the emotional capacity to hold space for that right now.
I said that while I understand she has feelings, her grief does not compare to: Mine as his mother, the guilt I feel for having to choose one child over another , the guilt I feel for not seeing the signs in my daughter sooner , for not being able to be a mother to both of them right now. What my daughter is going through for her own trauma and the loss of her big brother who she loves and misses and now feels guilt over losing And my son as the child actually removed from his family.
And that right now, being a supportive partner means supporting me, not expecting me to emotionally process and comfort her over a loss that, while real for her, is not the same as what we are experiencing.
I told her if she needs to process those emotions, she should lean on friends, family, or a therapist — because I simply cannot carry her through this on top of everything else. Basically she needs to suck it up and hold space and compassion for me and my kids because our feelings are the biggist in the room and to expect me to find emotional capacity for her right now is asking too much.
She thinks I’m being dismissive and cruel. I think I’m drowning, and I need my partner to be my support system right now, not another person I need to emotionally manage.