u/Interesting_Fan_3096

As the title suggests, I have a mom whom I feel disconnected with all my life. I used to wonder why I was so angry towards her. Now I think it’s because of years of frustration of wanting to connect to the person you should feel safest to talk to about your own vulnerabilities and being left high and dry all the time.

For context, I am 36 years old now and still I feel like that inner child who is seeking connection > being ignored / invalidated > feeling disappointed / frustrated then repeat. I have tried so very hard to verbalize these things and the want/need to better our relationship but my mom who is in her mid-60s, I find, will never ever change. I know I need to accept her for who she is but a part of me wants to protect my inner child by building distance (not just physically as we live in different countries) and a wall up around my mom so as not to ever feel the disappointment.

Examples of recent point of emotional neglect:
- I recently moved abroad, we were moving / selling our home, getting rid of things, no longer have a car, all while Im pregnant, working full time, and raising a toddler. Told my mom I might not be able to prioritize the clothes she left at our place due to all of the above, and may just throw them away. She responds with, “have you not resigned yet?” “I only have a few things there.” “I just thought I would be back there to help.”

It feels frustrating that she skipped the whole bit of us being stressed with the need to pack and move since we sold our house, and this all happens right before our international move. I nag. She ignores all my texts.

For the next few days, I sent some money home (for context, my siblings and I support her financially. Long story). I do not say anything.

And then she finally texts me a short, “Thank you”.

It triggers me.

I tell her, see, I just really want to feel connected to my own mom but you just ignored everything I opened up to you about and you only text me because I sent the money.

For which she responds and I am shortening this: she just wants peace at her age; I lack respect towards my own mom with the way I talk.
I lack empathy and only think about my situation. I complain too much and lack gratitude. I think too highly of myself. She could never do what I do with her own mom because her own mom would have smacked her in the face as soon as she opened her mouth… etc

We resolve this after a few exchanges and I explicitly told her that perhaps maybe I have an expectation of how I want her to validate my feelings instead of ignoring or telling me I complain a lot.

Fast forward to about a month and a half later.

I express, in a kind way, that I wont be able to send money home in the next few months, citng the fact that we just moved, i have no job, and my husband hasnt started his job yet. I told her I worry about her and how she will manage and I feel ashamed that I cannot help. Im sorry and I wish I could help.

All she says is, “there’s already a crisis…” (this is the best translation I could do, but the tone was one of disappointment, like it’s already a struggle and now this happens)

And then a thumbs up.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

Days pass…. Not a word.

Then she goes to text me shes at my sister’s place etc. Like nothing happened.

What or how should I respond? Should I just protect my own peace at this point?

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