I can’t keep a job. I’m currently searching for jobs in my home country. Even with an undergrad and a graduate degree in clinical psychology, I can’t still get a job. Every institution asks for experience even when it’s an entry level job. The thing is, I don’t even wanna be a therapist, I’m a scholar, I’ve worked in research and sadly I feel like that’s the only space where I can be decent. There’s also the fact that I’ve been sexually abused by my last partner, so being in enclosed spaces with men or even dementia and Alzheimer’s patients really scares me. So the therapeutic field is a no go for me. Here, in the Dominican Republic, there’s hardly anyone who wants to do research, there are only two neuroscience/neuropsychology labs in the whole country. I worked in one of them and basically stopped showing up because of how scared and exhausted I was. I’m also going through endometriosis screening at the same time, my periods make me miss work/school every month. It makes me want to get a very rudimentary auto-hysterectomy. I am very functional, I’ve been to therapy, I have AMAZING friends and I love people. But I feel so lost and tired right now. That’s the thing with BPD, the world is overall a trigger. And I feel useless for not contributing and being a burden to my parents. I am 24 and all I can do is study, that’s the only thing I’m good at. They’re so tired of me.
I’m leaving to do another masters in neuroscience in 5 months in Spain, even that is eating me from the inside. The thought of not being enough for La Complutense de Madrid is just making me shit my pants even more.
I really think I can do this. I’m not alone in this but I just wish I could find people with similar experiences. Thanks to whoever read this :)