I am tempted to detransition
(I hope it doesn’t cross into the forbidden political territory. I know trans stuff has been very politicized, but this is my own experience and struggles as a trans person)
I haven't taken the decision yet, there are a lot of things stopping me from doing so, but it is tempting sometimes.
Being trans is not something I have chosen, it's just me. It's not something I am proud of, but it's not something I'm ashamed of either. Or, at least, it wasn't before.
I started my social transition as an adult 6 years ago, and then medical transition with hormones 5 years ago. I haven't had any surgeries yet as I have health issues that would make it unsafe for the time being. I've been evaluated and approved, just need to be stable enough to handle a surgery. I still struggle heavily with how I look and people's perception of me. Hormones helped, but not to the extent that is usually expected. I get mistaken for my gender assigned at birth constantly and it's really annoying. I don't blame people, it just really sucks to not be seen as who I actually am. All that to say that I am confident in who I am and what I want. The idea of detransitioning has nothing to do with any doubts about my gender identity. My family and friends are all accepting and chill with it too, that's not the issue. My parents still mess up a lot even after 6 years but whatever, it's fine. Hard not to when I don't look or sound like the gender I identify with in the slightest.
How others see trans people has gotten... quite worse. When hatred started to spike up, I was hoping that it would die down eventually. I kept hoping as it kept worsening. I do not live in a country that is currently working on laws targeting trans people, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were to start happening eventually. Everything is kinda going in that direction. I don't mention that I'm trans online, terrifies me. Especially since I've had conversations with people casually saying awful stuff, not knowing that I am trans. I fight against it, I'm not gonna throw other trans people under the bus just to be accepted. I just fight under the guise of "I have trans friends" instead, which isn't a lie. I don't just fight for myself, I fight for them and all the others too. But good god am I tired of fighting. I don't get into long arguments, but I at least express my disapproval. I can't stand there and be passive to vile things being said about people I deeply care about.
The things that people say get to me. They shouldn't, but they do. It's not just strangers. I've had friends saying things behind my back or even directly to me. New acquaintances getting onto the subject without knowing I am trans and gradually becoming more and more hateful about it as they get more comfortable. The sheer volume of them is overwhelming. This is online, so it's more direct. In real life, it all happens too, but in a less visible manner. I just want to become invisible. Hearing all this stuff about trans people being predators, delusional, crazy, a danger to the public and a threat to eradicate, as well as being happy with the idea of them k*lling themselves, to the point of celebrating when it happens. It is draining. It's also worsening the shit out of my OCD, I can't stop questioning my character, whether or not I'm an inherently evil and harmful person. I don't even get a break from it by getting off social media, which I've had to do for my sanity. Don't even get me started on bathrooms, I would rather shit myself than go in, I am terrified. Even when it's empty or a single bathroom, I don't want people to see me going in or coming out.
It would probably be easier if I actually "passed" as the gender I identify with. Introducing myself feels like I'm a 4-year-old trying to convince a bartender that I'm 30. I legally changed my name and gender, yet anyone who has this information in front of them gets it wrong cause they rely on looking and listening to me instead. This is something I can change, it will take time is all. I'm okay with that, it was expected, even if I expected to have a lot more change that I did. Genetics and health issues both in pre-puberty and during puberty didn't do me any favours.
I think it would be easier to simply detransition, considering that things that would make me pass more haven't been done yet. It wouldn't be a hard thing to do. Change my hair a bit, wear different clothes, stop HRT. It'll almost be like I never transitioned in the first place. I lie to others and say that I was wrong, I'm not actually trans. People will address me "correctly." I won't be a target anymore. I won't have to feel threatened by everything I hear. I won't have to be scared and distressed anymore.
Like I said, a lot of things stop me from actually going through with it, excluding the obvious "I would have to roleplay as someone that's not me and feel awful about it." What kind of message would that send to people? Another "you see, being trans is just a delusion!!!" to the people who fight against my existence. Mission accomplished for them, they wore we down. I don't want that. I don't want to give up who I am and what I fought for. I'm not significant whatsoever and won't make any big difference, but it would feel like letting go of my beliefs and values. Other marginalized people don't have the freedom of simply not being marginalized anymore, it feels insulting to them for me to just dip out. And deep inside, I still hold on to a thread of hope that things will get better. Maybe things will change. Maybe I can freely be myself.
But... I am exhausted. Worn down. Tired of fighting. Tired of being scared. I have debilitating health issues that already take everything out of me, I don't need all of that on top of it. I struggle to get out of the home because of them, and then I don't feel fully safe when I do manage to go out. I hide. I get to see or hear about the awful things when I'm in pain and horribly nauseous. I go to the ER and I'm afraid that whatever doctor I end up with says something shitty about me being trans (happened only once, thankfully). Detransitioning to not have to deal with this feels more tempting as time goes on.
I know that it won't solve my issues and the list of pros and cons isn't in favour of going through with it. The distress is just so intense and I don't have enough strength to deal with it anymore. I'm not thinking about harming myself or anything, I have quite a bad phobia of dying so it's not even an option. I just need anything to lessen the load. It feels like the one thing I can do, the one thing I have control over. Even if it comes at the cost of hiding who I am to not feel alienated.
I'm just trying to live my life. Bird watch, play video games, spend time with my pets, study what I'm passionate about whenever my body allows it. I don't want all these people attaching labels to me and treating me differently. I'm just a person doing their best.
Yes I do have mental health support, it's just not consistently accessible, especially with my health issues. It's a whole other problem. A professional I talked tons advice was basically "touch grass," and it did not help. While social media is amplifying everything, the problem's in the grass too.
Thank you for reading if you have. I needed to just say it.