What's the process like? What will happen? Will my drills know that I'm feeling this way? If I say anything specific can they take any action on me? I really don't want anyone in my AIT to know about this.
I'm really trying to get help, the urge to hurt myself isn't going away.
I'm in the Army, I've been in for only 3 months and currently I'm in AIT(job training). I just started classes a week ago and I'm already failing miserably. We're learning about DC series-parallel circuits and i just don't understand any of it. We're able to use as many notes, even a calculator to do the work but I just forget everything they teach us. On Wednesday, I had a small mental breakdown, I told a counselor and a instructor that I want to reclass into another job, because I can't understand any of the material, i wanted to say more but i didnt want to risk being on suicide watch or something. It's getting really bad for me and I just can't help but feeling like hurting myself. I'm always the last one to finish any problem and everyone has to wait for me to finish, it makes me feel awful.
Before the army, I always had trouble with numbers and math. I had many tutors growing up, had after school classes, all the resources to learn, but I could never get it. I just get so much anxiety when I have to do math.
I told a friend over here that im starting to think I have dyscalculia, what did he say? He said he doesn't think so because I know where my room is(I don't remember the room number). I just remember the direction, I often have to look at my room key to remember the actual number.
I don't know what the point of this post is, I just feel miserable constantly. I keep getting bad thoughts and I don't want to act on impulse. People here can see im not doing well, im often asked by random people if im okay, im not. This job was supposed to be part of a goal I had, i joined to change myself, but it feels like its all crashing down.
I'm afraid to type this out for various reasons. I've only been in for 3 months, currently in AIT. I'm not really asking for anything, I just have no one to talk to. I won't say my mos but its fairly small and no one really talks to me, even though I've tried making friends. Haven't even ate today, everyone i asked to go to the dfac with tells me they either left, already ate, doing something else, it was like this all weekend. Before the army i was already depressed and ready to go but being in has made it worse. During basic i struggled mentally and physically. At the range I wanted to end things for me so bad but could never do it. Now that I'm in AIT I have constant anxiety, I'm not sure why. I don't even know why I joined in the first place but everyday I regret it, its been nothing but suffering for me. I can't sleep, I have no motivation to do anything, I never felt so alone in my life. In the months leading up for me to leave for basic, I planned to end it, i ended up buying a firearm but could never actually pull the trigger.
Tomorrow we have agsu inspections, I didnt even bother to take it to the cleaners, its wrinkled but any focus i had to succeed here is practically gone. I can barely focus in the schoolhouse.
This isn't a cry for help, I just needed a place to say something.
Edit: AIT isnt the issue, maybe the army in general, i dont know what the issue is but things like phasing up isnt a problem for me. I can't put it into words, I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm never happy, even before the army, this has been going on for a long time.