u/Internal-Excuse-8804

I have always had a secret fascination with alt fashion, whether that's goth or emo or anything else that isn't "normal". Outwardly, as someone who still lives mostly in boy mode, I wear pretty much the most boring, risk-averse men's attire imaginable. Hoodies, jeans, that kind of thing. People I know have joked about this before and make a big deal whenever I wear something that isn't this.

Part of this is related to just not having any feelings toward men's clothing and also having learned to avoid suspicion that I might ever want to wear something different, like women's clothes. I generally like women's fashion, including non-alt stuff that just looks nice. But, for whatever reason, the out-of-the-ordinary stuff is just more fun to me (no, not in the euphoria boner way, guys. I don't actually get those).

Part of me thinks it might be related to just wanting to embrace that I'm not normal. It kind of just rips the bandaid off if you say, "Yeah, I'm weird in multiple ways". Or possibly it's a stepping stone for accepting the fundamental reason why I am weird, which is AGP and dysphoria.

Beyond that, I just like the way it looks. I find androgyny to be attractive and a lot alt stuff blurs the lines between gender, as it is, so there's also that.

Anyways, does anyone else have similar feelings?

One of the key reasons I started HRT, other than the desire to develop more biologically feminine secondary sexual characteristics, was that I wanted my sexuality to be attenuated. Male sexuality has always been overwhelming to me, and I find that some of the only times I felt normal and happy were relatively asexual (as in: having literally no sexual interests or drive) parts of my life.

Since starting HRT, I have enjoyed the way my interest in sexually related topics has declined. It's not that things have stopped working altogether and more so that I'm just not as interested or thinking as regularly about these topics. Sometimes, someone online will make a sexual remark and I'll honestly just think, "gross", including fetish-y topics I used to have some vague interest in. For whatever reason, this change in interest is unexpectedly very relieving to me. I don't think I'd want to go back to the way I felt before and I hope this change only increases as my HRT dose increases. It feels like my brain and my sex drive and whatever you'd call a soul are becoming more aligned, which is great. I'm not saying I'm a woman trapped in a man's body or any of that...it's more so that this hormone regime just works way better with who I am.

I also am now able to find people attractive without automatically having sexual thoughts pop into my head. It's honestly amazing and I love it. Distracting AGP is reduced while warm and fuzzy feelings/butterflies in stomach toward others has grown. I feel happier knowing AGP isn't casting its big shadow on my psyche anymore.

Sometimes I doubt this change has happened...but yes, every time I look at AGP content, it's just not very appealing. A little. Maybe? But definitely not enough to binge on and waste so much time on as before. I get bored quick and seek dopamine elsewhere.

Anyway, I'm realizing that part of the problem is just having a male sexuality and sex drive. I have had dysphoria on top of that. But HRT is a life-saver almost equally in the second sense of making my relationship with sexual things much easier on my psyche.