hocd w some real element
so my so ocd started when i was like 13 as a random “what if i was a lesbian” thought out of nowhere (ive only had crushes on guys etc). i got immediately anxious and started to ruminate. since then, i had it 24/7 like 3 to 4 years before it just faded away. i had no thoughts like that for 3 years until they came back about 1 1/2 years ago when i was watching this series where a teenage girl started to have feelings for a girl and was dealing with denial before accepting her true self.
since then my ocd has been pretty on n off. when it started, it was on my mind 247 like couple months before slowly fading away. but since then it has like been coming to say hi after any possible trigger for like a day and then disappear again, so its been lil annoying but pretty easy yk. and there has been months without any thoughts.
however a couple months ago i saw this one guy that i didn’t like or feel attracted to any way, but it was more like a side quest way yk. i made it very clear before we met that i didn’t want to do anything with him yk like that. well he didn’t care about my boundaries, nothing like that happened but he kept trying to pressure me and insist me. he finally stopped pressuring and just dropped me home but during the time where he liked hugged me i had a thought that “i feel like a lesbian rn while hugging this guy”. so now i’ve been back to this 24/7 spiral for the last 2 months and it actually worse and realer than ever. mostly cause i have found out about these new fun things like the term “comphet” and i’ve found people who had so ocd and the thoughts turning out to be true like they actually were in denial while having the ocd spiral. like this one woman said “sometimes what we are most scared of is the truth”
now one of my biggest thoughts that i just cant let go of is this memory of this girl i was friends with when i was like 15 (i had so ocd already back then and during this memory). but i was so obsessed with her like she was a few years older than me and at first it was like a popular kid letting you into her group way. i thought of her in this pedestal and started to use similar clothes like her (not like a psycho way but like admiring way) then we actually became friends but the admiring didnt stop like i still really wanted her acceptance and that she liked me more than anyone and lowkey some “keeping me safe n taking care of me” way too. it felt a lot of like a crush and sometimes i had these ocd panic moments during rumination where i was 100% sure it was a crush and im a lesbian, but then thinking more n being like no im not and it isnt. like i remember thinking back then and being afraid if this is me being lesbian in denial but i didnt want to kiss her or do anything sexual with her. and when i tried to imagine it, it felt off like i didn’t desire it. but i remember still liking when she played w my hair etc. when i was 16-17 we were friends still but i feel like the admiring faded away and then the “obsession” also disappeared and i felt like she genuinely were just my friend.
now i don’t recognize myself from that time like at all. i was really messed up, confused and anxious about like everything and idk i just dont see myself when i look pics from the time. before the thoughts came back, i just thought that i was having severe ocd and also i was 15 like obviously its the time where people are confused about who they are and might feel all sorts of different feelings about things they really don’t relate to when they are older. but i never actually thought it was a crush until now when the thoughts came back cause i feel like if i told that story to any lesbian, theyd be like girl that was a crush. i keep replaying and trying to remember the exact feelings that i had in every single situation and i get so confused cause im not even sure which parts of the memories are real and which are me having maybe intrusive thoughts back then about feeling something i actually didn’t feel and now years later my brain remembers me feeling the feared feeling. i can’t let this go cause in so many coming out stories people explain having these huge admiration type of feelings towards their friends and later when coming out as lesbians realizing they were having huge crushes.
i dont know i just feel so anxious and confused, also im questioning every single no matter how intense crush on boys cause of the new comphet thing, and i can’t even feel attraction to any guy anymore cause im constantly analyzing myself if this is attraction, or wanting attention from attractive men or what the f im feeling and what is anything supposed to feel like.
im sorry this was so long.