What have I become?
I’m (M)18 and often have thoughts of killing myself. I don’t like to say I’ve been through a life of hardship but I can’t say I haven’t either. The people I live with now love and care about me, they’re probably the only reason I’m still here today. When I was growing up I was taken advantage of by a woman when I was 7 and a man when I was 10. I often push my significant other to have sexual interaction with me and I can’t stop myself. I always tell myself I won’t be pushing anything on anyone but still continue to do it anyway. My father left when I was young and my mother is on her last leg barely talking to me anymore. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve taken medicine. The therapist tells me things I already know and the medicine makes bad problems worse. Should I just go through with my decision? Should I live a life of loneliness and stay away from people? I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of becoming something that people will hate and I’m scared of being a replica of my father. Why can’t I change?