How can I (33F) be better at thinking of my husband (33M) with my ADHD brain?
Hola everyone!
I realize this might seem like a strange question, but I'm wondering if anybody can help me out! I have been diagnosed with ADHD and beyond that I have some trauma from childhood and other things. All in all this amounts to me disassociating a lot, and also having memory issues (apparently emotional suppression leads to memory loss, who knew?). I'm pretty much insufferable because I can't remember anything most of the time, even sometimes conversations that happened the day before. I can quite literally watch a movie 100 times and still forget certain plot points and things that happen in it, but I digress.
I'm a very 'out of sight, out of mind' person. The way that I put it is: "I'm like a dog, I don't think about you when you're not here, but I'm always so happy when you show up." This applies to everyone. My friends, my family, and my husband. Most of the time if they don't message or call first, I don't. Unless I see something that reminds me of them, or just have a random thought after 3-5 weeks that I haven't spoken to them at all and should call or message. I love my husband very much, and all of this has resulted in him feeling invisible.
He says that I don't think of him, consider him as a person, or even his existence. I rarely talk to him while I'm at work other than the occasional "how are you, how are things?" message and if he goes out for the evening with his friends I don't really message or bother him. Again, when I'm by myself I'm very much by myself. And that even when he is around, I don't show any real curiosity about him. I've been told this is incredibly self centered behavior by my husband, and I do see his point. I mean, it IS self centered not to really think of anyone outside yourself unless they're directly in front of your face.
But I also can't just force my brain to think of things it's not thinking about (or can I? I guess that's the purpose of this post lol). That's why I have come, people of reddit, to see if anyone has any advice, shortcuts, things that have worked for them to help me be more present and thoughtful to my husband and the other people in my life. Do I set alarms throughout the day to check in? I thought of doing that, but my husband brought up (without me mentioning it, it was just a cursory conversation) that apparently psychopaths do that kind of stuff. Keeping lists on people and their interests, setting alarms to remind them to talk to people, etc. My husband tells me that if I cared, I would think of him and be curious, and I see his point. But I do care. I do love him.
That kind of scared me, because I don't THINK I'm a psychopath. I hope I'm not! Though as reddit does, I'm sure you'll weigh in on that as much as you want/are able with this small amount of knowledge.
Anyway does anybody have any advice? I want my husband to feel thought about and visible.
I will say that I am currently attending therapy when I can, and am on a waitlist for government mental health counselling so I can go more regularly as it wouldn't cost money. Fingers crossed that gets going soon!